Why I'm starting another blog

My life has been an interesting series of transitions, always changing and moving in new directions. Social media seems to mimic our lives, and my life in the virtual world has transformed right alongside my not-so-virtual life (the two are increasingly interwoven… I’m not sure I could separate one from the other anymore).

When I started WorkLoveLife in February 2008, I had no idea it would take me where I am today. What nobody tells you when you start a blog is that you will become a junkie. First, you’ll start devouring other people’s blogs in your genre. Then you start commenting on their blogs, and then you figure out that when you do that you get more readers. Oh that’s neat, you think. I wonder what else I can do to get more readers…

It spiraled out from there. As I grew WorkLoveLife, I began to run across concepts that I was already working with in my day job in marketing. And I was intrigued. Here I had been MySpacing, Facebooking (um, anyone else remember being on Friendster? I was there), Flickring, tagging and tweeting, and mixed up in all this craziness was marketing.

I wrote a few posts that really had nothing to do with Work, Love or Life, but had everything to do brand image, marketing, and social media tools. And they were some of my favorite posts to write. And scrolling through my feeds every day, I would star dozens of articles daily that I wanted to blog about… but they just didn’t seem to fit what I was doing with WorkLoveLife.

One night, not long after my day job had a serious sputter, I sat on the phone with Penelope Trunk, trying to figure out my next move when she spits out the most preposterous idea. “You should be doing social media, Holly,” she says matter-of-factly, as if she’s been reading my tea leaves. “You do it all already. Just start a blog and round out your resume with some bullets by offering to do some social media campaigns for local businesses and friends.”

I considered this and found it hard to swallow that I could offer my thoughts to others on this subject. Then I started looking around my community and saw a major hole. Nobody, and I mean nobody, had any clue when it came to social media. I met with the community in San Antonio, and god love ‘em, they encouraged me. “Holly is social media in Corpus Christi,” Luis Sandoval told someone as he introduced me. And the truth of it hit me. If nobody filled the hole, the snake oil salesmen would show up soon, and I couldn’t have that happen – not to my community, not to social media.

That was about a month ago. Voila, blog. Hello, social media marketing portfolio. And you know, I even ended up falling for the guy who was running the political action group I offered to do a Facebook promotion for.

I love social media.

My new blog is HollyHoffman.com. It's in it's infancy, so keep checking back for updates - first up, RSS so you don't need to keep checking up. And WorkLoveLife isn't going anywhere. Just doubling up the blogging efforts!

News Flash: Sex is a Distraction

When things ended with Date #4, I made a promise to myself: I wouldn’t get into another relationship for six months. It was clear that I couldn’t handle being in a relationship without losing my momentum in other areas of my life, and I was beginning to see a pattern of jumping from one long-term relationship to another. I’d been a serial monogamist since I was 14. One relationship after another. Some started before others had even ended. It was time for a change.

So, no relationships for six months. I decided that they were simply too big a distraction for the kinds of big things I was trying to achieve – applying to business school, saving for my first house, climbing the corporate ladder, crafting my own business, etc.

Did that mean I wasn’t going to have sex for six months either? I mean, let’s be realistic here. Unfortunately (or fortunately), I don’t really have it in me to sleep with someone I’m not romantically interested in, or rather couldn’t be romantically interested in. I tried the “friends with benefits” thing with GIWS, who actually ended up becoming one of my best friends after our relationship ended, but that got messy fast and I decided for the sake of our friendship that needed to be an “emergencies only” kind of thing.

New Year’s Eve rolls around. And I pick up a guy in a bar. And take him home. Ahem. I. Do. Not. Do. This. OK, well I haven’t done it since like, college. But I sort of figured, why not? I got home at 6 a.m. and slept the whole next day. Then we went out again, and I got home at 10:30 a.m. the next day. And I got a bad cold.

I’ve come to the rapid conclusion that not only are relationships a distraction, but so is sex. You heard me: sex is a distraction.

The pursuit of, anticipation of, before and after of – major distractions. How much time do women spend shaving their legs, bleaching their teeth, plucking their eyebrows, getting or giving themselves manicures and pedicures, shopping for the perfect ass jeans, putting together an outfit for a night out, doing our makeup, blow-drying our hair, posturing at the bar, convincing ourselves we can hunt down a worthwhile guy in a club when we know it’s not true, talking about it with our girlfriends, wondering if he’s going to call, and if so, when? I don’t even know how to figure out how much time guys spend thinking about it, but it’s safe to assume it’s at least 75 percent of their waking hours.

And at the end of the day, you still haven’t studied for the GMAT. You’re too tired to go for a run, and you get such a bad cold from your lack of sleep due to Mr. New Year’s Eve’s snoring that you have to take an afternoon off of work during a critical proving-yourself-in-your-new-promotion phase.

Is it worth it? Is sex just one really big distraction? It’s exciting, enticing, and when it’s good, it’s even a little dirty. But it’s fleeting. And what’s been passed up, what effort has been skimped, that lasts. A lower GMAT score, a lesser business school. A missed run can equal three missed runs since you got out of your groove, then you run a minute-less-than-average mile at your 5K. And being less than 110 percent on your career? Well, I don’t even need to go there.

Perhaps this is really why there’s such a gap between male and female earning after their 20s. It’s a lot more socially acceptable for a man to stay out of relationships while pursuing his career, or in the words of less eloquent men, “getting their shit together.” But that’s not the case for 20-something women. There must be something wrong with us if we’re not doing the sex-dating-relationships thing while pursuing our career goals as well. Somehow, we are less feminine. We become “career ladies” or are seen as ball-busters. We are told that taking our work seriously makes us masculine, and we are given tips on being sexy and career-driven at the same time. Well, that part is actually OK with me. I was clamoring along with the rest of you for Hilary to get rid of the pantsuit (seriously, woman, wear a skirt!).

I think a lot of young women are not necessarily in the settle-down life stage, and yet still feel pressured to date and search for The One in anticipation of the onset of that life stage. Why not embrace that stage? And if you still have too much on your plate, why not take sex off the menu in favor of something that will have a greater impact on your life than getting laid on New Year’s Eve?

So, I’m off it all. Sex, dating, relationships. All of it. At least while I prep for the GMAT this month. When it comes down to it, I’ve got priorities – too many if you ask anyone around me. And sex just doesn’t make the list.

Yeah. Ask me what I think in two weeks.

Photo by Bottom-Feeder via Flickr.

Do Your Job Like It’s Your Business

Let me guess: you’re really an entrepreneur at heart; you’re just temporarily stuck in this corporate job, right? One of these days you’re going to bust out of cubicle hell and make a break for the Gen Y holy of holies, owning your own business. And it’s going to be awesome. You’ll be your own boss and you’ll run your company so much cooler than the corporation you’re just biding your time at now. I know. Trust me, I know.

In the meantime, you’re cranking away in front of your PC from 8 a.m. to 6 p.m., fearing layoffs and keeping an impatient eye on the recession economy.

Here’s the thing though: you shouldn’t just be biding your time in your stuffy corporate job. I found in high school and college that the level of my education was entirely up to how much I wanted to learn. I’ve always been one for making the most out of a less-than-ideal situation, and my corporate job is no exception.

I do my job like it’s my own business. I run it like a business, like a separate entity that provides a service to the corporation I work for. I've heard it called “innerpreneur” or “interpreneur.” When people ask who I answer to, my boss tells them that I’m like my own little company. Of course, I still answer to him, have to keep regular business hours, only get my allotted 10 vacation days, etc. But he considers me to fairly independent.

Just like in school, I have two options: I can do what’s needed to get by, or I can make the best of it and really learn something useful. Even if you have a lot of built-in structure in your role, you can still take your position and see how to run it like your own company. It’s great practice for when you finally do have your own company, and your superiors will start to be a lot like my parents were when I was in school – they’ll give you more and more freedom as they see you handling it on your own.

What services do you provide?
The most important question you will ask yourself as an entrepreneur is, what am I providing? As an innerpreneur, you need to ask the same question. As a marketing research analyst, I provide accurate, timely research to my clients that is easy-to-understand and useful in their roles.

Who are your “clients”?
As an entrepreneur you will need to determine who your target consumer or client is. In your corporate job, you also have “clients” – those people who consume your services. It might be a certain department or set of departments; it might be your boss. In my corporate role, my “clients” are the advertising departments of four regional branches of our company, as well as smaller clients in other departments.

Have a marketing plan.
By now you’ve certainly been given the advice to “sell yourself” or “toot your own horn.” I never really understood what people meant by that. Was I supposed to run around telling people how wonderful I was at my job? Not quite. I figured this out during the recession when I saw my industry making sweeping layoffs. I knew I needed to sell my position. I set to work selling my services to my clients. I made a list of the services I provided and the benefits to my clients. In other words, I started emailing the managers of the advertising departments and talking directly with the account executives about what I could do to help them do their jobs better.

I do seasonal marketing. I send emails during the holidays (a busy selling period) letting the advertising departments know how I can save them time, and I use the slower periods to extol the virtues of our planning software and my training opportunities. It works. That’s how you sell yourself, and avoid layoffs.

What are your profits and losses?
As the owner of a company, you’re going to get pretty familiar with P&Ls (profits and losses). This is basically a ledger of what’s coming in and what’s going out. I like to think of this process as doing a return on investment (ROI) on my position. Your salary is your “losses” – that’s how much your “business” is spending every year. It’s probably hard to quantify your “profits” – that’s how much you bring in for the company. You probably don’t have a revenue-producing role; it’s most likely more indirect. As a research analyst, I can tie my role to revenue through the research I provide to our advertising department to facilitate sales. Try to think of your position in terms of this. The closer you can tie yourself to revenue, the more secure your job will be.

Are your “clients” satisfied?
Just like I would in my own café (that’s the business I hope to one day own), I check up with my clients to see if they’re satisfied with the services I’m providing. I check in with managers, account executives, my boss, and our corporate offices regularly to see if they’re getting everything they need from me when they need it. I ride out on sales calls periodically to see my product used in the field, and I survey my clients to see what’s missing. I go back to my boss or corporate offices when necessary and/or make adjustments accordingly.

Is there a more efficient way to do this?
One thing we all say we’ll do when we own our companies is cut out all the red tape. If you’re in a publicly traded corporation, there’s only so much you can do (thank you, Sarbane-Oxley) to cut out certain kinds of bureaucracy. But you can eliminate inefficiencies in your role. The four branches I provide services for were running the same report four different ways. I found a way to streamline, and our corporate offices are considering adopting the changes across all 14 branches we own now.

Have a processes manual.
Good god, I do a lot of stuff. I run various weekly, quarterly, twice-yearly and yearly reports. Some need feedback from my “clients” and the rest are run from five different databases. There are processes for running those reports, training new executives, organizing research studies, cleaning up databases, updating research slides, ad nauseum. There’s no way I can keep all that straight in my head. And what happens if I get promoted, laid off, hit by a bus, or move to another company? I’ll have to spend my last two weeks trying to do a brain dump the size of a small country. So, I keep a processes manual. I record how I run this or that report, what it’s used for, who needs it, how often, etc. I also keep track of the flow of these processes. How do the requests for services come in, to whom do they travel when they are completed?

Have job descriptions.
If you’re thinking of running your own show one day, you’ll need to read “E-Myth Revisited.” In it Michael Gerber talks about how even if you’re a one-man show for a while, one day you don’t want to be. You will play a nominal role in your company (if you so choose), watching it run like a well-oiled machine from a distance. It will be a thing of beauty. He recommends that you create roles for your company – a VP of marketing, production, and sales; managers; producers; etc. where applicable. The idea is that even though your name is penciled into all those roles now, later it won’t be. So, I did that with my job. I came up with job descriptions for the different hats I wear, the various services I provide. Sure, they won’t grow like a business would; one person will probably do all those jobs in this position, but I know how to describe every job I do. And my bosses and predecessors will know as well.

What are your hours of operation?
Yeah, I know. You probably don’t have a lot of control over this. However, you might have more than you think if you start thinking about it. It makes sense for my “business” to be open from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. or 9 a.m. to 6 p.m. because that is when my “clients” need my services. That’s when they expect me to be open for business, so those are my hours. If I could legitimately tell my boss that different hours of operation would be better, say because I’m now dealing with outsourcing to India, he would probably give me a fair hearing because everything I’ve done until now has shown that I have buy-in with my “business.”

Photo by ballgame68 via Flickr.

Gen Y Needs a New Definition for Success

This is a guest post by Marina Cilona, who writes her own fabulous blog, Connecting Ideas.

When I was younger, at high school or university, I had this concept of a successful person as someone who knew a lot about what they were doing. The successful person I dreamed up in my head had a lot of information and used it to stay in control, move through their day with confidence and ease and solve problems with well-thought about solutions. So for me the key to success has always been knowledge you see, you have to know what you’re doing in order to be successful at it.

I’m not going to lie to you – the successful person I always pictured was me. That was my goal for my job: to have all of the knowledge I needed in order to be confident and strong on a day to day basis. In the past year that I’ve been working I’ve realized that my idea of success was dependent on the assumption that there is a protocol, an established way of doing things, that I would need to learn and become really good at in order to be successful.

Then I got a job in a ‘write your own ticket’ sort of company like so many other new, online media companies are. It’s a company that doesn’t have any age or experience prerequisites for success. It’s a company without an established protocol. Your success in the company I work for depends on how well you understand the fact that anyone can publish and access information on the web. Everyone’s a publisher, a mini media mogul and everyone has control of their attention when it comes to their online viewing. So anything my company publishes online is subject to rapidly changing trends, trends that every single person who uses the net shapes. My boss never lied to me when I started. He said it wouldn’t be easy. It’s supposed to be hard to grasp, evasive even, because online media is not a long established industry. It’s still rapidly developing and that can be hard for someone who had such a simple and static definition of success. How the hell am I supposed to feel successful when there is no established protocol for me to dare I say rote learn and then excel at?

I’ll have days where control will feel too far out of my reach to even connect myself with my original idea of a successful person. My confidence, which is so rooted in my intellectual abilities, my power to actually understand things, will rapidly dwindle and I’ll start to feel that I have no capability. On those days I won’t feel productive or, well, competent and I’ll wonder when someone is going to notice and fire me.

For me these bad days happen when I’m reminded of just how much I don’t understand yet. I work for an innovations company. By its very nature its job is to ‘light up the edges’ by conceptualizing new ways for people to communicate with each other that just don’t exist yet. This means that when I started a year ago I needed to get really comfortable really quickly with not knowing, with just trying and moving forward without clarity. You may say that at 23 I’m still stuck in some adolescent hell where I’ll never build up the confidence to feel successful or truly understand my own capabilities. But it all comes down to learning which makes it worthwhile for me. Even though I’m not learning things that have been tried and tested, I still feel like I’m learning on crack. My fear over how much I don’t know, even on it’s worst days, never makes me want to quit and find a job with more direct tasks and clearly defined project and outcomes. I’m learning too much this way and hey, brick walls are put in place to make sure we understand and prove how badly we want things. So if I want to be successful I need to work harder to understand what that means given the challenges and the unknowns of online media.

The thing is I don’t think I’m alone in this battle. So many jobs that are filled by smart, well-educated and driven Gen Yers are new. They were invented along with new technologies and new ways of doing things that need to be managed and communicated.

If you think this isn’t you, if you think these days never happen to you and you never descend to this level of doubt well I don’t believe you. You may deal with it differently or understand it differently but NO ONE and I say this with complete confidence, spends 100 percent of their time riding the top of the wave. You have to struggle through the current sometimes. Those are the times when you actually learn something and those are the days that I think you’ll feel like you’re working towards your own success.

The point I want to make is that it’s supposed to be hard. But that’s what makes us interesting. Be proud of that. This may not seem like the most profound thing you’ve read but it needs to be written and sometimes, on the bad days, it needs to be reread to remind you of the wall and of why you’re trying to push through it.

Marina writes a blog, Connecting Ideas, about work and relationships (and what happens when you work with your partner). She writes about her thoughts which run the gamut of equal pay, writing, love, intimacy, friendship and generally being in her twenties.

My Bohemian Self Versus My Corporate Self

I spent a glorious week in New York City earlier this month. My best friend from college lives in hipper-than-thou Williamsburg, Brooklyn, and I spent a few days with her getting to know that neighborhood and its denizens pretty well. Then I spent a weekend in the middle-of-nowhere Pennsylvania, where my best friend from high school got married. As we toured Frank Lloyd Wright’s Fallingwater house marveling at the architecture, and biking the Laurel Highlands that surrounds it, I struck up conversations with intellectuals from Japan, Russia, Israel, France, Italy and the UK. When I returned to Brooklyn, I ate up my favorite Middle Eastern delicacies and gobbled up conversations about great works of literature and laughed my ass off as artist-musician-writer types joked satirically about mass American culture. 

Less than two short hours of returning home from my vacation, I was told I was being promoted. My boss looked me in the eyes and said, this is it, Holly; this is the big time. You do this right and it’s only a matter of time before you’re up there. I went about my day giddy from that high, but something nagged me in the back of my mind. How is this compatible with that wonderful part of myself I had rediscovered in New York only a few days before?

Here I am, this corporate ladder-climber, who could honestly be no-less-thrilled unless Guy Kawasaki himself had sent her an email. And I write this crazy blog that I might be a little embarrassed by if anyone I worked with actually read it, which I’m pretty sure has even kept me from getting a second-round interview. And I want to get my MBA in marketing and entrepreneurship, and I eat up books like Groundswell, Rich Woman, and E-Myth with the sloppy voracity of a pig in a garbage dump. Two of my friends refer to me as “career lady” and my hair stylist knows we have to toe the line between cutting edge and work appropriate. I’m trying to figure out how I can dress J. Crewish without looking so damned yuppie.

Then there’s this other part of me, the part of me that would be happy to be a coffee-slinging barista for the rest of her life, the part that oh-so-briefly dreamt of making the leap to a shared apartment in Brooklyn with four part-time jobs to make ends meet. It’s the part of me that sits in cafes for hours blogging, reading Henry Miller and Ernest Hemingway, and attending political rallies when I’m not supposed to since I work for the media.

How these two halves of myself possibly be at peace with another?

They usually aren’t.

When I had my weekly call with my life coach and told her about my promotion, she heard the hesitation in my voice. Is this at odds with who I am, who I want to be, I asked. What happens when I’m 40 and I look back and wonder how I got caught up on this corporate ladder?

She reminded me that this isn’t forever. I’m not making some huge statement about who I am or what I believe in. Just because I got a promotion doesn’t mean I shouldn’t still be looking at business schools and applying. This will lead to other things, as every previous position has led to new opportunities.

What’s a different perspective you could take on this, she asked me.

I hesitated.

“I could be like, a bohemian corporate climber?” I asked more than stated.

I could be the blogging, intellectual, semi-rebellious analyst, the manager who challenges the old way things are done, and bringing a new kind of savvy to the business table.

Isn’t that what this whole Gen-Y thing is supposed to be about? Changing the face of achievement in the workplace, challenging the definition of success, and infusing our workplaces with new ideas?

Quick update

I type this now between gobs of work, busy out-of-town weekends, and coffee. Lots of coffee. I know I’ve been absent, but I promise my return is near and I have some real gems in store for everyone.

What’s happened:
1. I got over my insanely huge fear of flying, thanks to EMDR therapy.
2. I went to New York to visit my best friend for a week.
3. I was a bridesmaid (first time!) at a quaint wedding in Middle-of-Nowhere, Pennsylvania.

And most importantly…
4. I got a promotion! The day I got back from vacation, my boss asked me if I would like to be the research manager for the state of Texas. Huzzah!

What does all of this mean to you, dear reader? My brain has been stewing on so many new posts, I hardly have time to get them all out. Remember my post on bursty workers? It’s about to get bursty in here.

Upcoming posts:
Why you should vote for Obama, even if you don’t agree with the issues
Finding pieces of your ‘old’ self
The power of No
Leaning into your fear
Bohemian me vs. corporate me

I’m sure there are more a-brewin’ but that should be enough to keep your eyes peeled!

Allowing the Writer Within to Shine Through

It just hit me: I’m a writer.

It seems pretty silly that I’ve been blogging here at WorkLoveLife for eight months now, and I’ve only just realized that I’m a writer. This is not unique to me, I know. As blogging becomes more and more popular, others I read have questioned at what point you become a writer. And still others have argued against calling yourself a blogger at all.

I’ve come to realize in the past few months that writing has a place in my soul. It allows me to purge, it allows me to mull and remember, and it allows me to connect. And I love words. I took Latin throughout high school, which really boosted my vocabulary. I love the idea in linguistics that the more words we know, the more efficiently and effectively we are able to communicate. I love finding the perfect word or set of a words that most accurately conveys what I’m trying to say. And I even like that I can’t always find them… indescribable is a good place to be, in my book.

But today, I realized that I am writer. Not just a blogger or a lover of words or a novice, even.

The past few days have been hectic – work is hectic and I have meeting and appointments crammed into every nook and cranny of my waking hours. This evening is my first free evening since Friday. I have a half-marathon I signed up for in two weeks that I am ill-prepared for. Tonight could be a night for training. But when I asked myself do you want to run or do you want to write? Would you like to do the half-marathon or would you like to write? The answer reverberated throughout my head: We want to write.

So I didn’t bring my running clothes. I brought my laptop. Because when I neglect my running, I don’t feel half so unbalanced as when I neglect my writing.

I’d like to be a great many things in my life, and I imagine I wouldn’t be great at many of them, but it sure would be fun. My life coach says that I should honor the Holly Who Writes if I want to – I don’t have to be the Holly Who Runs Marathons right now. That’s pretty amazing to me. I thought if I was one, I couldn’t be the other.

I know that the Holly Who Runs Marathons is inside of me, but right now, it’s time for the Holly Who Writes to shine through. Not everything has to be done at once, and not everything has to be done to the nth degree. What a concept.

Photo courtesy Shiny Things via Flickr Creative Commons.

It's not your job to be smart anymore

What is it that I loved about college? I’ve been trying to figure it out because I’ve been thinking about grad school again. I think about grad school about once a year (I think it’s the school-supply air of fall that does it), and wonder if I ought to revive my collegiate goal of becoming a professor. It still appeals to me, and my latest variation includes a marriage of my two fantasies – adjunct professor and business owner.

But really, I think I just want to be in college again, to be a student again. I was a good student. I mean, I was really good at it. I’d really like to give my senior year another shot though. I used to brag about the fact that I was drunk when I wrote the majority of my 83-page thesis in just one month. I got an A-. Imagine what I could’ve done sober.

I did love being a student. I loved to read and extract the ideas, put them in a historical context, spin them together with something new. I could write a 12-to-15-page paper on almost anything in 3.4 hours and consistently earn high marks. One professor like my ideas on Kurt Vonnegut and Thorstein Veblen so much, he invited me to do an independent study with him.

None of that matters in my job, and it doesn’t matter in the majority of the business world. I’m sure there are companies and positions where it does matter, but the reality is that once you leave college, nobody is asking you to make a business of having an informed mind, questioning the way your mind works, or finding an outlet for your creativity. That’s been the truth I’ve found anyway.

And that’s fine for a lot of people. But four years after graduation, I find myself craving it again. I’d left college with the idea that I needed a year or two of “life” before going to grad school, so I didn’t burn out, so I could be sure. I sure have lived, that’s certain.

Interviews, arguments, solocations

I’m sitting in an Austin coffee shop, staring out at the traffic passing by on their way to and from the university. A couple is arguing themselves in circles, even though they’ve already broken up. I’m having my first Clover brewed cup of coffee and appreciating that a drip coffee doesn’t taste bitter. I grab my headphones and turn the volume all the way up so I don’t jump in the couple’s fight and tell the girl she’s a hypocrite. I’m meant to relax now.

I just finished my interview a few hours ago, and it went well. I’m trying not to think of what it means or might mean. I’m trying not to run my own personal troop withdraw time tables, not to figure out how much my present salary would equal in this higher cost of living market. I’m trying not to think of what it would mean for my own struggling relationship, trying not to hear the couple’s conversation that reminds me of the tears-inducing talk Date #4 and I had earlier this week.

No, I’m in Austin. I can tell this is my city. I plan to spend the next few days falling in love with it.

The stress leading into this interview has been unreal. Not only was I stressed out about the interview, but about the travel surrounding it, my relationship problems, and some financial issues that have surfaced. I really couldn’t afford it, but I needed a vacation. So, I’m taking one. I figured a stay at a mental facility would cost a lot more than the bed and breakfast I rented. Har har.

Even here, people seem a little surprised that I’m alone on vacation. I’m calling it my "solocation." I need some time to myself to not think for a while. I brought about 10 books with me, a journal and that’s about it. I’ve got the B&B until Saturday morning and I don’t need to be back in Corpus Christi until Monday. I’m not really sure where I’ll go or what I’ll do. I’ve got my car, a state parks pass and an adventurous spirit. So far all I’ve wanted to do is not pick up my phone, take a nap and eat something.

I do love not having any plans. I love not having anything to do, no place in particular to go. I especially love not knowing anybody.

Adventure.

Work/love balance: The new work/life balance struggle

When I began to hear the phrase “work/life balance” thrown around, I figured it didn’t apply to me. It was my older coworkers with family who mostly used it. Work/life balance meant “time with the kids and spouse.” So I dismissed it. It had nothing to do with me, single childless Holly who has the energy to work three or four jobs and train for marathons.

Then I got a boyfriend.

Anyone who has read this blog for the past 8 weeks or so knows that I’ve struggled to keep everything on my plate plus boyfriend on the side, but things keep slipping off like some overly eager kid’s plate at the dessert buffet. I’ve talked to friends, mentors, even a life coach, listed my priorities, and promptly removed… nothing.

There are so many things I want to pursue that I can’t imagine cutting anything. It’s asking a lot that I’m not adding anything. 

So, I’ve struggled to show the boyfriend that I am committed to us, that I’m willing to put in the time, that I want to spend time together. Actually, that might not be true. I think all I’ve really done is figured out ways to carve out pieces of the week where I can relax or do some work with him. At any rate, this is a new class of balancing act for me – the work/life balance.

Huh? Work-what balance? To me, life and work are fairly seamlessly integrated. I’m not sure what I’d rather be doing on a Sunday besides sitting in my favorite café with a hot chocolate, blogging my guts out. Who wouldn’t want to be integrating a printer into a wireless network on a Tuesday evening? I can honestly say that most nights I would rather be slinging coffee than watching television on the couch.

Instead of saying “Life? What life?” I have “Work? What work?” Unfortunately, it does take up a lot of time though, and I wonder at the end of the day what kind of energy I have leftover for my relationship – for love. I would say the majority of nights I dive headlong into my bed and I’m literally lights out before the BF flips the switch.

So what does this new work/love balance thing mean? I’m not really sure. I can’t say I’ve got it figured out. Perhaps it’s a sign of my youth, but mostly fear swirls around it. If you’re in love, should you place a higher value on that rather than your work? Should one or the other be the entrée and the other the side dish? Is it a matter of finding a person who makes you want to stop spending so much time on your work, makes you think it’s the higher value automatically? Is my relationship to my work and career so perverse that I should just give up on love altogether?

In all honesty, I am sometimes struck with the fear that my work is my only one true love in life. I have no doubt that God made me and business out of the same clay, sprinkling entrepreneurship in my blood like stars in the sky. It’s always there for me, ready to make my day, impatient when I’m away and greeting me with new ideas and excitement. Where does love fit into my already-existent love affair with work?

I glance at the title of my website, WorkLoveLife. People have asked me if that’s how I prioritize the three, if it means anything special. Honestly, it was the only combination of those three words available for a domain name. But, maybe that is it’s significance in my life – at the end of the day, I make work, love and life fit together the only way available to me.

Photo by RaidersLight.

Career buffet: Good at a lot, but great at nothing

I’ve been cursed my whole life with being both right- and left-brained. Not a lot of people can go from designing a new website to working with raw demographic data tables for an unrelated project. I loved logic and trig while being a total art kid in high school. In college, I double-majored in philosophy and art, though I have to admit I could see no use for aesthetic theory – I couldn’t handle philosophy of art.

Thus far, it’s been really useful in my career. When I worked at a non-profit start-up straight out of college, I needed to wear a lot of hats. I recruited, I mentored, I edited news articles, I did research, I designed web pages, I coded, and I took bids on jobs. I had to be able to turn my attention from page design one moment to researching interviewees the next. As a marketing research analyst in a small department, part of the job description was that the candidate should be able to turn on a dime, and I do, from logo design to demographics mapping.

However, I’ve recently realized that my wonderful little gift is also my curse. There are a lot of things I’m good at. I’m not being an egoist; I’m really pretty good at all sorts of stuff. I like trying new things, and enthusiasm will take you far. I’ve been a DJ at a radio station and a nightclub, artist, barista, magazine editor, proofreader, new media director, special events coordinator, bartender, research analyst, blogger, IT consultant. At some point, I was even a pre-med major. I’ve rock-climbed, knitted, done ethnic cooking, trained for marathons, played softball, volleyball and soccer, been a vegetarian, and done some motivational speaking.

The problem? I’m all over the place.

When recently thinking about my career, I realized that I had no specialty. I’ve always had to twist my résumé credentials to fit the requirements (philosophy degree = critical thinking skills + analytical skills + thesis research = market researcher!). Don’t get me a wrong – I’m a great hire. However, I’d really like to be great at something.

I’d like to be great at something.

Not just good. Not okay. Not just ‘oh, yeah, I did that, too.’

I look at the people I admire, and they are either the giants of their fields or they’ve got a particular niche cornered. I’d like to really have my head wrapped around something, not just have a surface understanding or street knowledge about it. I’m tired of being OK at a lot of things.

I’m ready to be great at something. And not just to be Great, but to put the work into it to really understand it, to be an authority on it. When I was a philosophy major, I dreamed of being the Heidegger scholar studied enough to get a glimpse of his unpublished, untranslated papers tucked away in a small German library. As a new media director, I dreamed of taking our little start-up site nationwide, even global.

Now, I dream other dreams... dreams of a research analyst (believe it or not), dreams of a blogger, dreams of an entrepreneur. There are so many things I could do though; how do I choose? How do you know which one you have the potential to be great at?

This is part one in a two-part series.

Office celebrations: Unity or unprofessionalism?

There is a particular department in my company that seems to be in perpetual celebration. There are banners, work tables draped in flimsy paper tablecloths, and an endless parade of cookies, cakes, and potluck lunches. Come to think of it, I don’t think I’ve ever seen that department undecorated.

I try to figure out each time the decorations change what the new celebration is. Is it someone’s birthday? A new season? Canadian national holiday? The vernal equinox? Daylight savings? Sally's cousin's granddaughter turned 2? Perhaps it’s jealousy that I don’t seem to be in the crowd that gets invited despite not being part of that department. More than anything, I find it humorous that it’s the department that is always trying the latest diet fad, which is a whole new level of irony given the confections that department rolls through there.

Don’t get me wrong – I love a raucous company holiday party as much as the next 20-something, and I enjoy the free food that comes along with early morning meetings, lunch meetings and the occasional birthday. When I worked at a start-up that had about 7 employees, we had a grand time one-upping each other when it came time to throw the birthday celebrations. But that was a small office, and at a start-up, you practically have to celebrate your birthday with your coworkers because you’re with them so much.

I understand that office celebrations can provide a sense of unity and community among employees. Some people work 40, 50, sometimes 60 hours a week at their jobs; it can inspire a little goodwill among workers and serve the utilitarian purpose of not losing productivity by keeping employees well fed and happy.

On the flip side, it seems unprofessional to me. There are the decorations, which recently went well beyond streamers and balloons, which stay up for at least a week following the celebration. Then there are the cooking smells from baking in the company kitchen that linger in the hallways for hours. (Side note: When I managed a basement radio station, I banned popcorn. No joke. Those odors lingered for days without ventilation.) Aside from the things that just plain annoy me, I wonder where they get the money for that stuff. Does it come out of their pockets? Is it part of their budget? Why don’t I get paid to cook on the clock? What if a customer comes in – does that undermine the professionalism of the entire company?

Companies spend a lot of time and money on providing the right environment for their employees and customers, taking into account colors, furnishings, and in some cases even smell (the cafe I part-time at doesn't allow outside food or drink because the space should be committed to the aroma of coffee). When you do work in such close proximity with others for that long, you ought to take into account what might be offensive to others. I'm not saying you can't pop popcorn, but enough with the 9 a.m. lasagna baking.

Am I being the office curmudgeon? Is there a point at which office celebrations are taken too far?

Photo: Flickr Creative Commons.

Hold me... accountable, that is

In an earlier post, I announced that I would begin a new accountability regime: posting my goals and my progress toward them to this blog once a month. Several of you, both readers and fellow bloggers, expressed interest in doing the same. I'm inviting everyone to participate who would like to post something similar on their blogs. Email me your blog entries and I'll post them links to them here as well.

Without any further ado, I give you my first Hold Me Accountable post.

Physical
This is probably the area where I've lost the most steam as of late. It is also the one that I would like to get back on track with the most. When I treat my body well, it treats me well. Everything else runs so much more smoothly in my life when I feel good physically. There are three components to my physical goals: exercise, diet and overall health.

Exercise
I took up running in late December last year. I put running down around the beginning of May. I had been training for a relay marathon and once it was over, so was the training. I need a goal in order to stay motivated in my running, even though I love it. I know I'm going to feel good after a run (phenomenal, actually), but the motivation I need is when I really don't feel like waking up early and lacing up my shoes. So, I'm going to sign up for a half-marathon. I'm confident I can do it if I start training now. I'll do short runs on Mondays, hard runs on Wednesdays, cross-train on Saturdays and long runs on Sundays.
Goals: Sign up for half-marathon in October; beginning training schedule.

Diet
I don't mean diet in the sense that I'm trying to lose weight. I'm not. I simply want to give my body good fuel, not crap. The main threat to my diet is the vending machines at work. If I forget (or am too lazy) to make my lunch, I'm known to eat a lunch of chips and soda. Blech. I've already begun to make dinner at night and bring leftovers to work. Note: This helps financial goals as well - double-plus bonus! I'm also really bad about keeping my refrigerator at home stocked. When it's full, not only do I eat better and save money on eating out, but it gives me an odd sense of fulfillment. Hmm.
Goals: Cut out soda, vending machine snacks; bring healthy lunches and snacks to work; keep home fridge stocked.

Health
You've heard me complain about my sinus infections ad nauseum, I know. I bought a neti pot (for nasal irrigation) because I heard from many, many sources that it works wonders. I've been too chicken to try it, even though I feel confident it will help. I've been battling some serious fatigue, probably due to sinus infections and not exercising, which is added incentive for the workout routine. Finally, it's been about 3 years (!) since I've been to the dentist. Yikes.
Goals: Use neti pot three times a week for one month; see dentist.

Relationships
My biggest issue with my relationships right now is that I'm spending an awful lot of time with a certain someone instead of spending some time with myself, my friends and my family. This was fine and well in the budding stages of the relationship, but now that things have settled down a bit I desperately need to hook back up with my friends and fam.
Goals: Hang out with my three best friends for some serious QT at least once this month; visit my aunt and my grandmother.

Career
For now, thing seem to be going really well with my 8-5 job. I'm relatively focused and my recent annual performance evaluation was stellar (including a raise!). Guess where nothing is happening? That's right - my business. uSavvy, my IT consultancy, has one client, no actual tax ID number, nothing, plus a website that's just sitting there, all designed and hosted and not actually up. Include my blog in here, and I haven't been posting as regularly as I would like, which is about 3-4 times per week.
Goals: Obtain tax ID number and sole proprietor status; open bank account; finish site buildout and get online; buy business cards; write business plan; blog 3-4 times per week.

Financial
I have two areas I'm currently working on financially. I've got terrible credit (hey, I drank heavily during those pivotal post-college years), and practically no savings... OK, no savings if you aren't counting that $50 in my ING Orange savings account. I started the ball rolling on this one yesterday though. My pay increase will show up in my next paycheck and instead of rejoicing at the extra money, I already set up an autodraft for the increase amount to pay down my credit card. I also have an autodraft set up for a student loan I am rehabilitating, as well as one for $50 per paycheck to my savings account. Once the credit card is paid down, I will up my savings autodraft to include the amount from the pay increase. The problem with my savings account is that I almost always tap into it. I'm a little more solid financially right now, so my goal is not to do that.
Goals: Pay off credit card in 2.5 months; continue savings without touching it.

Spirituality
I don't talk about my spirituality very much on this blog, even though it's a big part of my life. The truth is that I've been a little disappointed in my spirituality lately... or my lack thereof. I'm not a churchgoer, that's just not for me. However, I do pray and meditate. I include my sobriety as part of this picture because the way I stay sober is to work a spiritual program. I go to three or four 12-step meetings every week, but I'd like to start branching out a little more into more groups besides my home group, particularly to this one young people's group. I'd also like to try to meditate in the mornings, even if it's just for a short time period.
Goals: Attend one non-home group 12-step meeting per week; meditate twice a week.

General
Finally, this part relates to my overall life goals, mood and emotions. I'd say lately I've been in a funk. Definitely in a funk. It's not enough for me to focus on my short-term goals, so I need to keep my long-term goals on the burners, too. I really would like to move to a larger city. I would like to either advance to the next level of my career in research or I would like to take my business full-time. I would like to be a less selfish person on a day-to-day basis. The other day I realized at the end of the day that I was the only person I had thought about all day. That sucks. And I'm guessing that it probably also makes me a pretty obnoxious person to deal with.
Goals: Mostly just to keep my larger life goals top-of-mind; try to think of other people and how I affect them throughout my day.

I will keep you all up-to-date with my progress on a monthly basis, at the very least. I hope that some of you will jump in and participate. It would be really great to have a community of people who are all holding each other accountable, encouraging one another and learning what works and what doesn't in real time, wouldn't it?

Related articles:
Got goals? Hold yourself accountable
How baby steps became a huge deal
Stand up and be accounted
How I change my habits

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Your personal style matters... now give it some thought

I’m not happy with my personal style lately. It’s sort of been ongoing since I got sober and lost some weight… and you know, stopped spending all my money on booze. I’ve told myself that part of the problem is that I don’t have a lot of money to spend on new clothes, but I think there’s a little more to it than that. I would say the real problem is that I don’t give it much thought until I’m actually in a store, ready to buy some item that I need. Seeing as I give almost everything in my life too much thought, I thought that was a little ironic.

Whether we like it or not, we’re judged at a moment’s glance by our outward image. And as much as the BF hems and haws about appearances not mattering, he plays by the rules and wears a suit to the office every day, even Fridays. In our careers, in dating, we’re judged first by our appearance and our clothing does a lot of the talking. (I wasn’t sure if I was attracted to Date #4 when we met – he was wearing a suit and I always say that it blocked any read I was trying to get from him.)

I’ve been watching the preliminary back-to-school ads roll in, and it amazes me how much time and thought middle and high school kids put into their clothing choices. Their clothes (in their minds) say so much about them – what group they belong to, what kind of music they listen to, what their socioeconomic status is, how in tune they are with trends, which causes they support (if any). Why this is, is an entirely different subject that I don’t wish to touch on here. What it did, though, was prompt me to look at my style choices and think about what they said about me.

That’s when I realized that my style choices weren’t really so much choices as they were lazy acquiesces. I live in a town with few clothing options, but I’m not sure I would be much better off anywhere else.

I love:
Blazers
3/4-sleeve jackets
Cardigans
Dark jeans
Vintage-y blouses
‘40s inspired dresses, shoes, hair… well, anything really
Splashes of bright color
Scarves
Preppy-style flats
Colorful, vintage heels
Long dresses

How much of this do I own? Er… none. I do have a few cardigans, but they’re pretty much a necessity in my 60-degree office. Oh, and I own about 7 pairs of dark jeans, but all in the same style and cut from the same store. Even I know that’s wrong.

Looking at this list, I can see that this is actually how I used to dress in high school. My mom hated taking me shopping – I never saw anything I liked unless we were at a Goodwill. Luckily, times have changed and Anthropologie picked up what I was throwing down. Anyhow, I did think that it said something about me. Like today’s teenagers, I was keenly aware of the message I was trying to send. I was eclectic, creative, a little hip, a little bohemian, a non-conformist, an intellectual.

How many of us can say we put that much thought into our wardrobe post-high school or college? I grab whatever Express is offering that month in the way of office-appropriate attire within my budget and that’s about it. Wouldn’t it be nice to have a personal style again?

It’s not just about sending an arbitrary message about who I think I am. After all, if you’re worthwhile and think I’m worthwhile, we’ll get to know each other and you’ll figure out who I am. When my outer self matches my inner self, who it is that I am, I’m a lot happier. Plain and simple, if I actually enjoy the clothes I’m wearing, then I’m a lot happier overall. I also feel a lot more at home in social situations. I feel more comfortable projecting who I am when I’m not tugging on uncomfortable clothes that don’t fit right. And, of course, I wouldn’t mind standing out from the crowd a little.

In an age when personal branding seems to be all the rage, why are we sticking ourselves in the same suits and brands as everyone else? Why aren’t we spending more time thinking about how our “look” corresponds to our personal brand, our goals, and where we want to go?

Some questions to ask yourself about your personal style:
• How would I like people to see me? Use descriptive adjectives: polished, bohemian, put-together, artsy, sleek, glamorous, etc.
• How would I describe myself in a few words? Are you a corporate go-getter, an intellectual, a tech geek, a trendsetter, outdoorsy, creative?
• What styles do I identify with? What words describe them? Do those words describe me?
• What are some items I really like? Do I currently have them in my collection?
• How do my clothing choices affect me on a daily basis? Am I happier when I wear certain colors? Certain styles?

Me, personally, I’m going to start holding out for items that fit with my now clearly defined personal style. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to rethink those 7 pairs of jeans…

All images from Anthropologie.com.

You're Not the Brand I Thought You Were, Starbucks

There’s something that rubs me wrong about what Starbucks is doing lately. It’s not just the elimination of stores; it’s the constant promotions, the discounts, the free samples, the waffling between light roast and dark. Every time I see a new article on Starbucks pop up in my reader, I cringe inside.

Starbucks has become the desperate guy. The desperate guy caught up in the clingy downward spiral.

I’m sorry, Starbucks, I’m simply not attracted to you anymore.

You see, there are guys who simply have no game. They tell you they’re in love with you on your third date, they text message you constantly, and they become even more insistent when you don’t want to spend so much time with them.

This is where Starbucks has gone. Their marketing department could learn a few things from studying a little pick-up.

First, they made themselves too available. This is Dating 101, and perhaps it ought to be Marketing 101. With a Starbucks on every corner, the customer entered the OMG-I’m-so-in-love-with-you phase of spending all their time (and money) at their favorite addictive flavor-spot. And just like any extreme beginning of a relationship, the customer realized that they were spending too much time (and money) with Starbucks.

We just need some space, Starbucks. It’s not that I need to see other coffeehouses; I just need some time (and money) to myself… you know, to sort some things out.

What does Starbucks do? Promises you the world if you’ll come back, if you’ll be with me the way you used to be with me. Here – take some free frappucinos. I’ll give you Wi-Fi. I can change – see? A new roast! Please don’t leave me.

Ugh. Starbucks, you’re scaring me.

Suddenly, Starbucks is everywhere. On my TV, where it never was before. In my magazines. In my blogosphere. I’m surprised you aren’t following me on Twitter or MySpace to see who else I’m drinking… oh wait. You are.

I’m sorry, but you’re just not who I thought you were. You used to be so cool. You were there when I wanted you, but now you’re on every other interstate exit. You were above all that PR crap other brands get involved in. You had social status. A cup with logo clutched in my hand used to mean something before I saw every other person with one.

Take a tip from the dating world: Don’t make yourself so damned available. Have some confidence in your brand and stop trying to do whatever you think will please me.

That’s what made you so hot before – Podunk towns only had one or two locations and we would drive across the city to spend time (and money) with you. Now you’re up my ass. That is so not hot.

Finding Your Primary Aim Becomes Critical When Taking On a Partner

When I first decided that I wanted to have my own company, someone recommended that I pick up a copy of “E-Myth Revisited” by Michael Gerber. That book has had an indelible impact on my life and the way I approach my business.

Last month I asked a colleague who I have collaborated with often if he would like to come on board my little company as a partner. The decision to start a business was a big one for me, and I’m very passionate about it. I know that sacrifices will have to be made, relationships may become strained, and free time might become non-existent. These are all things I am willing to take on for my business.

So when approaching my potential partner, I needed for both of us to be sure that this would be a good fit. He understands the role he would be taking on, and the responsibilities that go along with it. The thing that most people don’t realize is that this is like a marriage. You have to make sure that you’re compatible and that you want the same things for your future.

I turned to “E-Myth” for help. Gerber emphasizes the need for all business owners to first clarify what their primary aim is. Part of the reason so many people start their own businesses is so that they can live the life they want. It’s important to sit down and intentionally design the life you want to lead. Once your purpose and mission is clear, then you can start to build a company that will help you accomplish that life.

These are the questions Gerber says you need to answer:

1. What do I wish my life to look like?
2. How do I wish my life to be on a day-to-day basis?
3. What would I like to be able to say I truly know in my life, about my life?
4. How would I like to be with other people in my life – my family, my friends, my business associates, my customers, my employees, my community?
5. How would I like people to think about me?
6. What would I like to be doing two years from now? Ten years from now? Twenty years from now? When my life comes to a close?
7. What specifically would I like to learn during my life – spiritually, physically, financially, technically, intellectually? About relationships?
8. How much money will I need to do the things I wish to do? By when will I need it?

I have already answered the questions, and now my potential partner is working on them. When he finishes, we’ll share our answers with each other. Based on that, we’ll be able to see what each other want for the future, and whether or not this company will be a vehicle for both of us to those lives.

By the way, I recommend these questions to anyone searching for purpose in his or her life or for clarification thereof, whether starting a business or not.

Gen Y isn’t unique; we’re just a bunch of bursty workers

Earlier this week I ran across an amazing presentation on knowledge workers and office 2.0 on SlideShare (which is an awesome site – it’s like YouTube for presentations). Check it out:

View Upload your own

“Finally,” I thought. “Someone has defined me!” I’ve been trying to figure out a subtle way to e-mail it to my boss ever since.

Here’s the thing: Stephen Collins (the presenter) talks about “bursty” versus “busy” workers. Bursty workers are what we often define ourselves as in the Gen Y set. We may not look like we’re doing work, but we are. We might be at a café, chatting with coworkers in other departments, on Twitter… all the while, we are collecting information in our minds. We’re generating ideas; we’re rolling them around in our heads, working out the kinks.

Take myself, for example: I prefer to design web pages and logos while I’m on the treadmill. I have no idea why; it’s just what works for me. What are the odds my boss is going to let me leave the office at 4 so I can go for a run, though? I can tell you that answer: slim to none.

Bursty workers are called such because they tend to have highly productive bursts in which the majority of their work gets accomplished. They don’t want to be at a desk very often. They can often do in 30 hours what a busy worker will accomplish in 40. They surf the Web, they don’t keep normal office hours, they place importance on connecting with other departments and companies outside of their own, and they don’t mind failure. As a matter of fact, they fail a lot.

Anne Zelenka wrote the quintessential busy vs. bursty worker article more than a year ago. She says it best: “The lack of understanding between busy and burst goes beyond just the inability of the busy to see the value in using Web 2.0 tools. In almost every aspect of work, bursters look entirely unproductive and irresponsible when judged by busyness economy rules.”

You see, my boss is a busy worker. I am a bursty worker. Busy workers very rarely understand the bursty workers. Or, they try to figure out how to fit them into their paradigm: “If they produce more in less time, shouldn’t they just be producing more?” Wrong question. Collins states on his site that you simply can’t discount the time spent in thought, working out the structures.

I started e-mailing with Stephen Collins after watching that presentation, and he pointed out to me that bursty workers are not just Gen-Yers. He’s a Gen-Xer himself, and (of course) a bursty worker. Anyone can be a bursty worker, whether they are Gen Y or Boomer. Knowledge workers (anyone who works for a living at the tasks of developing or using knowledge), however, are especially apt to be bursters.

If you look at the traits of a burster, you’ll probably see the standard frustrations over Gen Y “work ethic” that our busy counterparts are always hemming and hawing over. I posit that these are not Gen Y traits, but that they are simply bursty worker traits. Due to the way that Gen Y has been brought up, we skew toward the bursty side, while our parents, and certainly our parents’ parents, skewed busy because of their environment.

I’d also like to point out that it seems now more than ever, there are more knowledge worker careers available also. My dad was a carpenter, and my mom was a dental assistant. They had to be present at their jobs during specific hours in order to produce. I am a research analyst. I sit in front of a computer most of the day. It doesn’t really matter where my computer is and when I sit at it. As I said above, I actually “produce” on the treadmill.

A problem with Gen Y’s work ethic? It’s not Gen Y. And it’s not a problem.

Note: This article was written in my head while walking around talking to coworkers, surfing the Web, reading Twitter updates, and browsing my Google Reader.

Make a Goodwill Tour of Your Office, Increase Productivity

My first job was at a start-up of just three people (it grew to a whopping 12 at its largest). At first we didn’t even have separate offices, and as we grew, we upgraded to larger digs with more people crammed two to an office. At a start-up, everyone pretty much knows everything about each other’s lives. It’s not just the office sharing; it’s the long hours, the pent-up stress blowouts, and the commiseration over peeved significant others and your lack of life/sleep.

Things were a little different when I started at my present company, which has approximately 300 employees. My department is made up of only three people (sound familiar?), and we have one large open office. So, like before, we’re pretty much in tune with what’s going on in each other’s lives, without the crazy 60-to-80-hour week crap. (I love trying to figure out how to talk to gyno on the phone with my male boss within earshot. Fun.)

That said, there are nine other departments in my company, with varying numbers in each department (IT has three like us, while advertising has more than 50). I usually only have contact with these people when I need something from them. They don’t really know me from Adam, so I have to wait in line usually like everyone else. But I see the long-timers and the super-friendlies skipping their way to the figurative front of the line all the time. I figured this was just how it went and so be it.

There is a part of corporate life that I don’t always understand. It’s the water cooler conversations. To be honest, I don’t give a crap about American Idol, Let’s Make a Deal or what your kids are doing. The asinine things I would hear people talk about totally escaped me – there are times where what they are saying doesn’t even make sense, jokes with mismatched punch lines, etc.

But I learned how to speak it eventually. The first couple of times I didn’t even understand what I was saying but the coworker chuckled and left. As I caught on, I realized that while I may not care what’s going on in my coworkers’ lives, that connection can be leveraged.

If you aren’t a natural connector or social butterfly, try making a “goodwill tour” of your company. Take an hour or so in the morning, when folks are getting their coffee, checking their e-mail and reading the headlines to ask them how their weekend was, how their kids are, how their week is going so far.

I stopped by one department on Monday to ask a manager if he was feeling any better after being out the prior week. He seemed surprised and was genuine in his thanks for the inquiry. As I left I asked another coworker in that department how his weekend was and how his kids were, knowing how much he values his family. I asked another how her daughter’s graduation went, and made a joke about a woman having more work done than the coworker’s house, which I overhear her complaining about the renovation on.

I used to think these things were enormous productivity blockades and time-wasters. Sometimes they are; but other times it has helped me jump to the head of that proverbial line. How’s that cold, Roy? Oh, good to hear. Listen, I’m having tough time getting these lists…

While it sounds self-serving in some aspects, it’s helped me to get involved in my colleagues’ lives to a healthy extent. I have even built outside relationships with a small handful of them. Sometimes I have to be forced into social situations and increasing productivity and decreasing work downtime is a great motivator for me.

Want better networking skills? Be a player

Despite being born under that social sun sign Sagittarius, I somehow grew up a very shy child. From an early age, I was bashful for pictures, shied away from large groups, and even once broke into tears when my mom turned our new video camera on me when I was 6. I never had a group of friends; I always had one best friend and that was it. Things remained this way through high school, and I was lucky in college to be accepted into a co-op dorm of 20 single rooms. I made friends, but it was difficult.

When I left college, I was thrust into a new world and a new culture. South Texas was a lot different from Florida - it was all about who you knew, not necessarily what your skills and experience were. Unfortunately, I approached the situation the wrong way my first two years here; I used some good old-fashioned social lubricant - booze. I've spent the past (sober) year learning my way around the professional networking scene and you might be surprised what's helped me the most. The art of pick-up.

Get your laughs out of the way now. When I chanced upon an article through TwentySet about why you actually want a player boyfriend, I was ready to be pissed. Instead, I was intrigued. Lance's arguments were solid - a player guy is social, has great communication skills, is articulate, has lots of friends and are humorous and playful. Interesting. These were all qualities that I actually wanted to possess, especially as it related to the social aspect.

I started to dig into the art of pick-up, as they call it, to learn more. I subscribed to bloggers who talked about it, began e-mailing with them, and reading the books that the guys read (there are no books on pick-up for women that I can find so far - there's a reason for that, but that's another post). I started talking with a few of my cooler guy friends about it and going out to clubs and doing online dating as 'field research.' Here's what dabbling in pick-up has done for my social skills.

Approach
This is by far and away the area I have the most trouble with. Due to my natural shyness, it's hard for me to start talking to people I don't know. But this is necessary if you're ever going to meet anyone new. Pick-up artists emphasize engaging your target in something on their level. For a female in a club it might be asking for their opinion on a good clothing store for guys. For a chick in a book store, it might be a recommendation for a book on self-improvement. 

This applies in a networking environment too. I was at a young professionals mixer recently and the same way that you don't want to use a tired pick-up line at a bar, you don't want to use the old stand-by of 'what do you do?' Instead I chose to comment on the venue (an art museum) and use that as an intro to conversations. "Are you familiar with Lichtenstein?" Luckily, my background is in fine art, so I could talk a little bit about pop art if the answer was no before moving into the 'Hi, my name is Holly and here's what I do' conversation.

In social artistry (another name for pick-up), this is part of displaying my social worth, which is actually just as, if not more so, important in networking. Why would I be someone worth staying in contact with, having lunch with, etc? All of this can lead up to my contacts thinking of my company first when they or someone they know have need of it. Whether we realize it or not, we would always rather do business with someone who is social, easy to get along with and approachable.

Confidence/Self-Esteem
A large part of my shyness has to do with my confidence level. When I am in a situation I feel confident in, my shyness evaporates. Thus, the key is for me to feel confident in all situations. This goes directly to my self-esteem. If I feel awkward in a situation, I take a moment to do a quick little internal inventory. Why do I feel out of place? Am I less than the people around me? Hell no. A good pick-up artist knows his/her worth and will pump themselves up.

There's a fine line between confidence and arrogance. So, let's clear that up. Arrogance is defined as is an attitude of superiority manifested in presumptuous claims and assumptions. Confidence, on the other hand, is rooted in a consciousness of one's powers or a state of being certain. I was just telling a guy friend that I am confident in my looks - I am conscious of my level of attractiveness. I am by no means a supremely hot chick. I'm cute, pretty even, have a fit body, and am attractive for a certain type. This is an objective inventory of my physical attractiveness; I'm not putting myself down or inflating my ego. It's really where I stand. So when I approach a guy, I know I've got to be hitting on more cylinders than just physical attraction. I have to be funny, intelligent, easy-going and interesting, too. I'm not a girl who can carry a conversation with her looks.

Knowing exactly where I stand allows me to project confidence because I am certain and comfortable with it. It also allows me to compensate for it. If I thought I were a super-hot girl, I would probably not care about all those other things and I would bomb. Likewise, I'm aware that I'm a entry-level professional without a lot of contacts or experience, so I've got to hit on more cylinders than just my professional status when I am networking. I need to show where my prowess lies and what else I can offer a potential contact.

Appearance
Another thing the art of pick-up drove home to me is how much value is really placed on one's appearance and why. Whether we are conscious of it or not, our first impressions are based on a person's appearance. A lot of this has been said before, and most of you are probably aware of it, but it was good for me to be reminded. 

Whenever I'm getting ready for a date or to go out on the weekend, I put a fair amount of time into the way I look. I think about what my choices are going to say about me to a potential pick-up. Does my outfit show that I'm in touch with what is fashionable? This displays social awareness. Does it flatter my body type and skin tone? This will allow me to be more confident (see above). Is it appropriate to the environment? This shows that I am knowledgeable of different social situations and what is expected in said situations.

Likewise, you should carry that attitude into a networking situation, even into your daily work attire. It is acceptable for me to wear jeans during the work week (not just Fridays), but I want to be taken more seriously, so I began paying more attention to what's in fashion for work attire and spending more time on my appearance. The result has been that I'm taken more seriously by my coworkers, especially my superiors, and when I have a networking event pop up, I can go on the same day in the clothes I'm already wearing and feel confident that I'm dressed not just appropriately, but fashionably.

Value
There are different types of pick-up artists. Some want sheer quantity and will approach every girl. Some want quality and will set their standards accordingly (only approaching 9's and above, etc.). This is a decision you have to make with networking, too. Are all contacts good contacts? 

Just like with pick-up, in the beginning I would say approach everyone. It will help you get more comfortable so that you do decide to go after that executive in your dream field (the career equivalent of a major hottie), you'll be comfortable with approaching him or her. Could you imagine walking up to said executive when you don't have the basics down yet?

Once you reach a certain level of comfort and confidence, you'll realize that not necessarily all contacts are worth the time and effort to make the connection. If you're a graphic designer, it might not be too important for you to make a contact with a pipe-fitter. Then again, you never know.

Communication
When a guy approaches a girl in a club, he's going to lose her interest quickly if he's not paying attention to her body language, what she's saying, or how she's reacting to him. No one wants to listen to someone talk about themselves. Quite the opposite: people like to talk about themselves and they love to have their opinion valued. Some people even expect it. 

When you're networking, start out by keeping the focus on your contact. Are they interested in what you're saying? Pay attention to their body language. Are they looking around the room? Are their eyes glazed over? Are you boring them? It's amazing that I could actually tell someone was bored with what I was saying and I would keep going anyway. It was like watching a train wreck in slow motion. Pick-up taught me that it's not about me - it's about the other person and engaging them. Once you have their attention, you can show them your worth instead of telling them.

Relationships
Finally, once you've got someone's attention, you've got to close the interaction. What is the end goal? In pick-up this can be a number-close (getting their number), a date-close, a makeout-close, or an f-close. How do close a new business connection? This is a lot easier in networking actually since you've got those handy little business cards. However, what comes next? They stick it in their wallet and never contact you. 

You have to decide what kind of relationship you would like out of this person. Do you want a mentor relationship? Do you want a lunch meeting? Do you want to make them a client? Once you've determined this, you can move forward. Ask for their card. Differentiate yourself using the factors above - hopefully by this point you've shown that you have some value as a contact for them. Follow-up with an e-mail that maintains the rapport you had in your previous contact. Try to use a detail that shows that you were paying attention to them. If, for instance, they mentioned they were a Mac person, you might mention the latest rumor you heard about the new 3G iPhone coming out in June. They have a reason to respond to you now.

Personally, I continue my pick-up research. You never know where you might find great business tips.

A Simple Productivity Method That Yields Results

In just six months, I have managed to achieve a lot of things in my life, major changes that probably should have taken years to accomplish. Here are just a few: I started a small business that is likely to support me entirely within the next six months, created a blog that is syndicated to two other sites and hit 3,000 unique visitors within two months of founding, lost 20 lbs, reduced my debt and was nominated employee of the month at my company.

A lot of people ask me how I do it; how do I keep up with it all? After all, a full-time job, a part-time job, a company to run and an advice site to publish take up a lot of time and energy.

I will share with you my simple productivity method. I say that it is simple, because it is. However, it is not easy. There is a vast difference. I guarantee that using this method will change your life if employed daily.

Put one foot in front of the other. Take one step at time.

Perhaps I should elaborate. See, first you take a step. If your goal is to start your own business, that step might be to obtain a tax ID as a sole proprietor. If your goal is to lose weight, you switch out your breakfast burrito with an apple and a smoothie. If your goal is to start a website, you purchase the domain and hosting.

Then, you ask yourself, what’s the next step? Then you take it.

You write a business plan. You start running every other day. You sketch ideas for your website homepage.

Rinse. Repeat.

Everyday, you wake up and you ask yourself, what’s the next step? Then you take it.

What’s the catch? There’s no catch. You just have to really want it. There’s no half-ass way to obtain anything worth having. You just wake up and you start doing. You don’t make excuses; you don’t spend a lot of time wondering what the first step is. Don’t worry if you jump into the middle first – you’ll find your way to the beginning quickly.

This is how I started my business, launched my website, became great at my job, got into racing shape, and began dating again. I haven’t done it perfectly, but luckily no one is grading me. And if I had waited to do it perfectly, it wouldn’t have gotten done.

The most important thing is to make sure that your Why is strong enough. Why do you want to start a business, lose weight or start a website? If your reasons are flimsy, your results will be too. If you want to start a business because your buddy is, that’s not a good reason. But if you want to start a business because you believe you have a great product or service the world needs, then that’s something to hold on to. If you want to lose weight because your boyfriend or girlfriend said you were fat, you’ll probably stay the same. But if you want to lose weight because you’ve decided it’s high time you got healthy, then you’ll probably make it.

The reason your Why needs to be strong is because there will be days when your resolve will fail you, when you wake up and say, f*ck the next step, let’s sleep in. You have to keep going, one foot in front of the other.

Some days you may feel like it’s too much, there’s too much to do, too many steps before you get where you want to be. That’s OK. You just have to take one step. Not two, not tomorrow or in a month, but one step today.

One day, you’ll look up and you’ll be amazed at how far you’ve come. One step at a time.

Be Good at What You Do – Even If You Don’t Like It

It’s not really news to anybody that I’m not exactly passionate about my 8-5 job. The work I do is highly analytical, data-oriented and involves me starting at a computer screen for 8 hours a day. When people ask me what I do at my job, their eyes generally glaze over when I get about 15 seconds into it. That’s about how long it takes before my eyes glaze over when I open up a new set of data I’m about to work with. I am not, however, excused from excelling at my job.

I believe that if you ask my coworkers, my boss, and the associates who rely on my work on a daily basis how I am doing, they will probably tell you that I’m a data whiz kid, an Excel genius, a PowerPoint guru. OK, maybe that’s taking it too far, but for the most part, they’ll tell you I rock my job. Because I do.

Let me repeat – I don’t love my job. As a matter of fact, about twice a week I skulk off to the online department and chat with the guys over there about what’s new in the online world. I wonder, sometimes out loud, when another position will be budgeted especially for me. Then I go back to my desk and finish my work.

Sound boring? It is.

Maybe this sounds really bleak to you, really dismal and boring and you say to yourself, “I could never do that.” Well, remember that I do have a passion – my own business that I am growing after hours.

It’s also really exciting to hear the president of your company decide that you are the only person necessary at a conference call who is not a manager or vice-president. It’s nice to hear you described to a new manager as an integral part of such-and-such process. It’s gratifying to hear that you were impressive in that strategic planning meeting.

It could be tempting given the recent success my own business is having, to not give a crap about my current job. Here’s the thing: I don’t want to be known as a crappy worker. I don’t want to put mediocre work out into the world. I also respect that the people I work with are counting on me to support them the best that I can. They are passionate about their jobs and they are counting on it to provide for them.

In a word, what I am talking about it responsibility. I may not be passionate about my 8-5 job, but I am passionate about being a quality employee and coworker. To buck Gen Y stereotypes, I guess you might say I am passionate about responsibility.

If that’s not good enough for you, then remember that everyone you come in contact with at your current job is a contact. Your reputation as a solid worker is at stake.

*Shortly after writing this post, I found out that I am up for Employee of the Month at my company. Pretty great for a job I'm not passionate about, huh?

Optimize Your Space for Maximum Productivity – And Happiness

I made a big move this weekend, in the physical sense, as well as less literally. I moved to a new apartment in a new part of town, and it’s as if I’ve officially started a new phase in my life.

I don’t know if it’s my age, or the situation I found myself in, but I never really could find an apartment that I liked and that I could also afford. Plus, I was living with someone, so compromises had to be made (this place was closer to his work, that place was cheap enough for our budget, etc.). When we split, I had to find a place quick. The place I took was too expensive for my budget, so I downgraded severely as I tried to reign in my spending and get back on my feet financially after losing my job, my car, my dual income living situation and getting sober.

It took me a year. Soon after I celebrated my one-year anniversary last month, I signed a one-year lease on a condo on North Padre Island (the beach!). The past two weeks have been downright unbearable as I waited and waited for moving day to come. And tonight, going back to the old apartment I had come to disdain so much to do the final cleaning, time crept so slowly I thought it would stand still. Finally, I drove off, and immediately called a friend to announce I was leaving the old apartment for the last time. Hallelujah!

I guess the point I’m trying to make in a roundabout way is how our surroundings affect us. I took my previous apartment because it was cheap. That was the only reason. I figured for the price I could stand just about anything. Not so. I grew to dislike it so much that I never wanted to be there. Even when I needed to do work or read, I would go somewhere else to do it. I’m not sure exactly what it was – it could’ve been the grey carpet, or the circa-1978 fixtures, or the unrespectable neighbors. It could’ve been merely what it represented to me – a time in my life where frugality was the biggest necessity, an era of character-building hardship.

Even only half-way unpacked, I love spending time in my new home so much, I look forward to returning to it all day, unlike my previous apartment, which I dreaded going home to. For the first time in my life, everything seems like it belongs. The furniture belongs, the paintings belong, and the towels match. I belong. I guess it feels like my space, my own home. It’s a wonderful feeling.

As I move my company into a new area – office optimization – how your space affects you is something that I will be focusing on. Certain colors soothe (blue), while others energize (orange). There is an optimal set-up to achieve maximum productivity in every space. As I move into my new apartment, I’m trying to achieve this with my own space.

It’s about more than just achieving maximum productivity though. It’s about being able to enjoy the space that you’re working in. One of the coolest office set-ups I’ve ever seen is at Pixar, and Microsoft Research has some pretty cool ones too. My offices at work are painted in two shades of green – bright grass green and cool pastel green. It’s energizing and somehow always makes it feel fresh in there.

The best offices, in my opinion, are wireless and paperless. Why not set up Wi-Fi and give everybody laptops? Make spaces that go beyond traditional cubicles and desks. I had the opportunity to redesign a previous company’s space, and that was exactly what I lobbied for. Instead of desks, there were tables and comfortable sofa chairs. Instead of a separate office for every employee, the rooms were separated by function. There was a meeting room, a brainstorming room, a library/”quiet” room, a multimedia room, and a break room. Each one had a different tone to match its function. The brainstorming room was looser, had brighter colors and rearrangable furniture. The library had bean bags and sofas and dimmer lights to suggest quiet; the multimedia room had large glass tables for projects and plenty of direct light.

When your environment is inviting, it will be hard to get people to leave it, kind of like my new apartment and me. When the environment is functional, things will get done. When the environment is optimized, things will get done faster. Faster, productive employees who want to be at the office? Sounds good to me.

Check out real people's cool home offices [hat tip: Lifehacker.com].

No Accidental Business

I never thought I’d run an IT company in a million years. It was further from my mind as a career option than pursuing medicine or flying airplanes. OK, maybe not airplanes. At any rate, my little IT consultancy began by chance.

Over the past four years or so I have been involved in the Internet in some way or other. My first position out of college was as an administrative assistant for a start-up magazine. I was quickly promoted to editorial assistant to associate editor, and when I left I was the director of new media, which basically means I was running anything and everything to do with our website. I loved it. I dove in headlong. Somehow or other, I’ve become a go-to person for all things computer-related at my workplaces. For some reason, computers, programs, etc. have just always made sense to me.

It seems like the Internet, computers and web design was the perfect area for me. It is always changing, rarely boring and there’s always something new to learn. I love that it’s fast-paced and that I can find a bunch of nerds like me, much nerdier than me, to clue me into what’s up-and-coming and how to do things I don’t know how to do yet.

So, when a friend asked if I she could hire me to replace a computer guy that wasn’t really working out, I agreed enthusiastically. As I worked with her to teach her some basic computer skills, showed her around the Internet and advised her on purchases, I realized how many other people were in her situation, especially women, especially older women. Thus, a business was born.

As my company grew (and continues to grow) rapidly, I realized that without some direction, it could grow in ways I don’t want it to. I have begun to acquire new business and with that I am beginning to contract parts of that work out. While I’m still kind of far away from hiring employees in my mind, who knows what might happen? What happens if things take off and I don’t have a plan in place to direct growth? My greatest fear is that five years will go by, and I’ll be working 80 hours a week because I didn’t have a plan in place for working my way out of my business. After all, the point is to work on a business, not in it.

So here’s what I did. I took a page from E-Myth Revisited by Michael Gerber and set up what he calls an Organizational Strategy. This is a little different from job descriptions and workflow. These are the positions that need to be filled for the business that I will be filling until I hire people to fill them. As I hire and train people into the positions, I will stair step my way up and out of the company altogether eventually. This is an exit strategy. For my particular company, the structure looks like this:



I’m already contracting work to a designer/programmer on an as-needed basis. The technician position will be critical to growing the private client side of the business, and will be the next one I begin contracting out.

It’s important that I point out there that I am working in all of these positions currently. This way I know what it takes to fill them, all of the little intricacies involved in the positions, and I will be better able to train the people who fill them when that time comes. Gerber has a lot to say about exactly how to do this, and as I feel my way through this in the coming weeks, I’m sure I’ll be writing about it a lot.

Growth should never be a problem and exponential growth should always be expected. Don’t let your company stay an accident – make a plan now for when that growth does happen so that you won’t be scrambling to throw something together while also trying to handle all of your new business. You’ll have your hands full enough. Trust me.

Your #1 Productivity Killer - Sickness

Meetings, e-mail alerts, busy work… these are the most frequently addressed productivity killers. I have read books and found work-arounds for all of them. What I can’t get around, what kills my productivity more than any form of corporate red tape is getting sick. Ironically, this seems to be the one productivity killer I can’t find a book on. Americans seem bound and determined to a.) not take care of themselves, and then b.) attempt to keep working, thereby dragging out their illness and spreading it around. This exponentially decreases productivity.

Two weeks ago, I got a sinus infection. This is a fairly common occurrence for me, given my allergies. What I should’ve done was take a break, get some decent sleep, watch my diet, hydrate more than usual, and get some good sleep. What I did instead was continue a ridiculously busy schedule and pay no attention to any of the afore-mentioned factors. Each day my sinus infection was compounded by the loss of sleep it brought. With no time in my schedule to make it up, I was blessed with a raging case of laryngitis.

Because I wouldn’t take two or three days to run at a slower-than-usual pace, I lost a good two weeks of productivity. I ran at my bare minimum, calling into work twice because of how sick I was. When I was at work, I was unfocused, tired and probably spreading some major germ action. My appearance was tired, messy and unkempt. My ‘give a crap’ was busted. I lost my voice for two or three days entirely, and only recently got my voice back (I’ve been borrowing Kathleen Turner’s voice for the past 10 days).

I took a few lessons away from this. These are pretty basic, but it’s amazing how glaring they can become when you’re completely wiped out for a few weeks.

Heed the Warning Signs
Given that I attended two funerals for people I cared about very much within one week of the other, I should’ve taken some steps to guard against illness. The mind-body connection is amazingly strong, and stress can and will take you down with the ship. When your life gets stressful, treat yourself better than usual. I’m not talking about an extra glass of wine; I mean you should take it easy on yourself. Get rid of the things in your schedule that aren’t essential and crucial and get some rest.

Watch Your Diet
What you eat is the fuel that you provide your body to keep you going. Treat your body like a Porsche. Are you going to put regular gas in that bad boy? I didn’t think so. You’re going premium all the way. It ought to be the same way with your diet, especially when you’re sick. Think about what’s going to help you get better and make a conscious effort to supplement your diet with the things you’ll need to ward off prolonged illness. Get some protein, eat dark green veggies, and for heaven’s sake, eat some oranges. The worst thing you can do is stop eating. You give your body nothing to use as defense and it will only get worse.

Hit the Hay
Your body is going to need more time to recharge than usual. If you are used to sleeping 6-7 hours every night, you’re going to have to make time to get more in order to get well. I also find naps help me get better faster. When I’m not feeling well, I’ll get home from work and snooze for a good 90 minutes. I find this is long enough to be effective and short enough to not ruin my regular bedtime.

Get a Little Exercise
Don’t go running any 10Ks, but do a little bit of exercise if you are physically able when you feel something coming on or are coming out of being sick. Some exertion will boost your immune system and help you feel well faster. Don’t take up anything new while you're sick; just do whatever you usually do at about half the time or pace. For me, this has taken the form of a light jog because I am already a regular runner. If I can exercise when I feel something coming on, it usually wards it off. When I do get sick, then as soon as I get over the hump I try to do a little something to boost my immune system again.

Cut Yourself Some Slack
Highly motivated people are usually their own worst critics. Beating yourself up mentally when you’re sick is counterproductive (as a matter of fact, it’s usually counterproductive, but that’s another post). Take this time to go easy on yourself. Again, that mind-body connection is strong and it is real. Stressing yourself out is going to make you sicker, longer.

You Can Land a Job, But You Can't Land a Man: Successful Women Remain Single

An article caught my eye earlier this week on MSN about the (apparent) amplitude of single, successful women who (gasp) may never find a man.

The article sites the following as the major obstacles these women are facing:
1. They want someone as successful as they are
2. Little time leftover for dating after work and other priorities

But there is one that stands out as the bigger issue:
3. They simply intimidate their male counterparts

I recently had a conversation with Guy I’ve Been Seeing about this very thing. I’m not exactly your prototypical hard-as-nails businesswoman. I don’t think they’ve existed since the ‘80s and the days of mandatory hosiery in the office, so let’s just kill that stereotype now. I am, however, very driven and motivated, like so many of my fellow successful Gen Y females.

Since high school, my intelligence and my inability to hide behind a pretty, artificially dumbed-down exterior has gotten in the way of my love life. I began to notice the trend in college, when one of my friends pointed out to me that guys were probably just intimidated by me. Me? I asked. I’m 5’ 3”, a buck-nothing. How is that intimidating? A boyfriend confirmed the theory. “You’ve always intimidated me,” he said. “You’re smart, but in a business way that I’m not.”

GIBS couldn’t believe this. “You? Intimidating? How?” he said. I explained to him about how most guys (I’m speaking from experience now) would rather have someone who is a little less complicated, a little easier, with a little more time on their hands… in essence, they would rather be the alpha. I don’t work well with that. I don’t like being the alpha either, though.

That’s where the real problems start to happen. It’s a difficult balance to find – a guy that challenges you would have to be at your level in some sense, pursuing his own goals, career, and success, who is also supportive of your success, and who is looking for that type of woman. Not to mention all the other little stuff people like in relationships, like compatibility, shared values and common interests, etc.

That’s not to say I haven’t had boyfriends. Up until the past year, I was in a string of long-term relationships since high school. The problem was that the guys I ended up with simply didn’t have the cojones to challenge me the way I needed to be back then. I’ve finally learned how to challenge myself, but I think I’d still like someone who is working on achieving his own big dreams and goals.

So, now here I am at 26, single for the first time since college and I’m being given a fairly bleak outlook. The more successful I become, the harder it’s going to be to connect.

But see, I don’t think these women are sitting around at home, crying into their Chardonnay about it. I think the article totally misses the point. These women aren’t willing to settle for anything less than what they want because the lesson their success has taught them is that they can achieve great things in spite of the odds. They are Whole People who aren’t okay with accepting anything less than another Whole Person.

Speaking for myself, I have accepted the idea that I could possibly never be married. Some people might say that this is a self-fulfilling prophecy. I don’t think it is. Fifty percent of all marriages in divorce, remember? A very small fraction of married folk believe their marriage could in divorce. Who’s fooling whom here? If I can be okay with being single for potentially the rest of my life, then I am not going to wait around to do things. I’m going to charge full force. And somewhere out there, there is a guy who thinks that’s hot. He’s the guy for me.

Dashing My Remote Working Dreams

I recently read (or actually listened to) “The Four-Hour Work Week,” which is pretty much about how you need very little time to complete your work if you use the author’s productivity methods and outsourcing. Fascinating. Doable, I thought. So, I started trying out some of the methods at my current 8-5 gig. Let me just let you in on a few of the blunders I committed and obstacles I ran into that I didn’t hear anything about in the book.

Auto-Reply Blunders
The first thing I did was institute the auto-reply method. I won’t go into it here, but I did blog about it last week. I made a blanket auto-reply message that bounced back to anybody (and everybody it turned out) who e-mailed me. Including my boss. Including his boss.

It worked like a charm until I realized that I had gotten an e-mail from my boss’s boss. Now, this would normally be a good thing. This means that my role is important enough to be receiving requests directly from the Big Man. The bad thing is that he immediately told my boss that I needed to remove the auto-reply.

“Corporate sees that, too,” my boss reminded me. “Besides,” he continued. “You should be answering e-mails as often as possible.”

Auto-reply killed. I still have the dinging alert and pop-up window turned off so that if I’m deep into a project so a forward of cute kittens and puppies won’t distract me from the task at hand.

Punching the Clock – Literally
OK, this was my bad. I had a hard time getting back on my sleep schedule after being on hiatus from what will be henceforth known as Two Weeks of Hell. I came in late twice last week (30 minutes late), prompting my boss to remind me that my hours are 8-5 and that’s important because I’m the only one in from 8-9 am.

“It’s not that big a deal,” Boss says. “Besides, next year we’ll probably be moving to a clock-in, clock-out system anyway.” Say what?!

Apparently, I’m not the only person appalled at the idea of having to physically clock in. A recent article described the rise of fingerprint clock systems as “creepy” and intrusive. Aside from being amazed at the level to which corporate America will stoop in its pointlessness, this throws a major wrench in my plans to work towards a remote working environment in my current job. What will be the point if once achieved a few months later I am forced to be present for clocking in?

This is presenteeism at it’s worst in my opinion. Perhaps I’m merely a product of my generation, but I don’t understand why my presence is necessary when I spend the whole day in front of the computer, interacting with no one outside of e-mail and the very occasional phone call.

Never one to admit defeat, however, I am prepared to regroup and figure out a work-around. Unfortunately, if these things are true at my present job, then it may be that my work-around is a new source of income. Which was sort of the point anyways. I wanted to pick the easier way, but it doesn’t look like it’s viable. In all fairness, Ferriss (author, “Four-Hour Work Week”) did say it was better to lose the corporate gig altogether, but hey, sometimes we have to leave our claw marks in what’s comfortable before we’ll give it up.

Good Work Life = Good Sex Life

Recently my career life has taken off in unexpected ways. I got a raise at work. My IT consultancy has a steady, dedicated customer, and plans for increasing the client base are going well. My blog site, WorkLoveLife.com, has skyrocketed within the past two weeks, with traffic increasing exponentially.

I was riding a huge wave, and suddenly I exuded confidence in a way I never have. My newfound success gave me a sense of poise that spilled over into other areas of my life. Why not upgrade to a nicer apartment on the beach when my lease is up in a month? I’ve earned it. Why not gun forward on that project at work? I know it will work.

Here’s a not-so-secretive secret about confidence. Not only does it dramatically increase your odds of getting what you want, but it does wonders for your sex life. Self-confidence is sexy. Someone who knows what she or he wants and goes after it is, well, hot. There are no two ways about it.

I read a blog recently about why you actually want to date a player (hat tip: HoneyAndLance). A lot of it has to do with self-confidence. I have to admit by the end of the post I realized that the guy I’ve been seeing is sort of a player. And I like it. I love that he’s confident, self-assured and comfortable in social situations.

I didn’t make the correlation between career and sexual confidence until recently. Given the number of deaths and illnesses in my life recently, let’s just say I haven’t exactly been feeling it. Something snapped on Saturday though. After looking at a fabulous 1-bedroom condo on the beach and deciding to take it, I was riding high. I went shopping and after realizing that all the running had paid off in the loss of both a jean size and a shirt size, I asked myself why I shouldn’t go all out on the weekly Saturday night dance-a-thon. Some cherry-red lipgloss and a new pair of jeans later, I knew I was looking good. More than that, I was feeling good. I was rocking it.

One problem. The guy I was seeing said earlier that day he wasn’t game for going out. Exuding a confidence he was unaccustomed to seeing in me, I messaged him: “You should reconsider. I’m looking pretty damn good tonight.” Some more flirty text messaging ensued (totally out-of-character for me), and before long I had him: “We’re on our way.”

Don’t feel too bad for him. He knew what I was up to from text message #1. That didn’t matter – what got him was the surprising new attitude I wore. It was clear that I knew what I wanted that night and that I went after it. It was a turn on, not just for him, but for me too. I wasn’t nervous, anxious, distracted, or busy trying to decipher whether or not he was thinking the same thing I was. I had my eyes on the prize.

The interesting thing is that I always thought that this wasn’t part of my make-up. That in order to be one of those sexy, confident women, I would have to act, play a part. The truth is nothing has come more naturally.

A warning here. It goes without saying that over-confidence is decidedly unsexy. Take it too far and you’ll come off arrogant, stuck-up, better-than or all of the above. Not hot.

Productivity Tip: Read All Your Books With Your Ears

I am an audiobibliophile, a lover of audio books. It didn’t always used to be this way. I used to be your average, run-of-the-mill book junkie. Then I ran out of time to read. So I did what any good junkie does – I adapted.

It started just a few months ago. While reading “Rich Woman,” I was turned on to the Rich Dad Poor Dad series. I enjoyed “Rich Woman” so much that I wanted to pick up something else. The problem was that with my job, my burgeoning entrepreneurial efforts and my newfound love of running eating up more and more of my time, I was losing time for reading.

I was also finding it difficult to concentrate and focus. If I tried reading at home, I would fall asleep (lame!). I couldn’t read on the treadmill (too much bounce). Finally, my vestige the coffee shop would eventually fail me, too, as I would find myself more interested in journaling, sketching business plans or working on the blog. My love, my passion was falling to the wayside.

Aside from reading for the sheer pleasure of it, I am a known neophile. I love new things – new activities, new places, new foods, and most importantly, new ideas. I’ve had a profound love of learning since I was little. I probably scared my parents half-dead when I announced at 16 that I planned to be a professional student. That didn’t happen per se, but I like to think of myself as a student of life, always willing to learn what life has to dish out.

All this stops if I can’t read. I must consume new ideas. It’s like oxygen. So, time-starved and apparently suffocating sometime in January, the audio book entered my life in a big way. I started small with “Retire Young, Retire Rich” by Robert Kiyosaki (another Rich Dad Poor Dad book). It was only three hours, but I figured, geez, how long do I really spend in the car? Apparently a lot of time. I finished that bad boy in three or four days. So I listened to it again to make sure I had absorbed it all.

From there, it spiraled. I have a friend who introduced me to audio books who listens to them too, so we swap them back and forth. Sometimes I just listen to the CDs, but sometimes I rip them into my library and put them on my iPod. Now I can read and jog at the same time. No problem.

This is an important productivity tool for me. I simply do not have the time I used to have to read, but I do have plenty of gaps in my schedule where I am not necessarily doing something that requires sustained intellectual effort, like driving or jogging. We cannot simply let the things we love drop off because we don’t have time for them anymore. We adapt, we change, and we learn to get both when seemingly given a choice between two options.

Tips for productively using audio books:
· Get non-fiction. This seems like a no-brainer to me. Unless you have absolutely no time for fiction and need it, then I suggest going on a strict non-fiction audio diet. Get your learn on.

· Get something you’re interested in, otherwise you’ll get bored. Instead of being invigorated by your audio experience, you’ll be snoozing. I’m a fan of quasi-inspirational material, like “Good to Great.”

· Take recommendations. If you have friends who have similar passions, pursuits, goals and/or tastes, hit them up for some suggestions. Remember, they don’t have to be recommendations for audio books.

· Borrow and buy used. Audio books are expense. I can sink $75 in one trip to Barnes & Noble on just two audio books. I like to swap with friends, buy used or at discount.

· Load it into your portable audio device. Putting it on my iPod allows me to pick up wherever I left off, whether in the car, on the treadmill or at the beach. You can actually download mp3s of books directly now.

· Convert your reading list. I have a lengthy book list. This might seem simple, but a lot of people forget. Just convert your “book list” to an “audio book list” and begin there. You’ll have that bad boy whipped in no time.

· Listen to it twice. I don’t always absorb it all the first time. Whenever our mind wanders when we are reading, our eyes will naturally go back and scan the sentence over again. That’s why sometimes we find that we’ve been reading one paragraph for 30 minutes. Our ears don’t do that.

Keep your ears peeled. You just might learn something.

Are Schedules Made for Breaking?

I recently got a question from a reader and responded to it. It clarifies some of my thoughts related to relationships, ambition and organization, so I thought I would share it here.

Question:
"Just curious, are you secretly one day hoping for some man of your dreams character to come along and throw you off your schedule and change your life? Or do you ever feel like maybe you're organizing your life too much? I'm not saying you are, but a lot of the blog is organizing your life, and though you're not there now, it seems like you might progressively become a schedule book. Sometimes I want to become a schedule book, but just so I can break out of it."

Answer:
"Hmm... No, I don't secretly want a man to throw me off my path. As a matter of fact, the past few months I've become rather relationship phobic. I would say that I'm afraid someone will throw me off, but I'm not afraid of it because I know I wouldn't let it happen.

I schedule my time, but I schedule it so that I can fit in all the things that I love doing. When I was doing it without a schedule, I felt crazed and time-starved constantly. The fun things were falling to the wayside because I was running around distracted.

I leave big gaps in my schedule. Sunday, for example, has just a few items: run, write blogs, post blog. None of them have set times, it's more a loose to-do list. I fully intend to spend most of that day on the beach with my iPod, some Jack Johnson and a book (which will probably be used more as a pillow than for reading). And I shall eat strawberries and wonder what the poor people are doing (i.e. people in snow, not near water, etc.).

I understand what you mean though. I used to come up with schedules in college just so I could rebel against them - it made me feel spontaneous to be at Wal-Mart buying hula hoops at 1 am when I should have been writing my Vonnegut paper.

That you would consider someone to be rescuing you from your scheduled self makes me think that you don't enjoy schedules in the first place. Some people work well with highly-organized agendas, like me. I'm a terribly disorganized person in reality (you should see my apartment), so people marvel when they see my color-coded planner with my entire week neatly arranged. 

Why? Because I couldn't freakin' remember to do ANY of it if I didn't do this. If I were naturally organized and prompt, I wouldn't need multiple alarm clocks, a color-coded organization system, and e-mail reminders. If I were a naturally focused person, I wouldn't need productivity methods. I am simply a person who knows 1. her weaknesses, and 2. what she needs to do to accomplish her goals.

Do I want someone to rescue me? No. Do I want someone to share my beach blanket and smile back when I wonder what the poor people are doing? Sure. Do I want someone to sympathize with me when I get done with an 18-hour day? Absolutely. But I want someone who respects me enough to know that what I do is important to me and who supports me in it, who believes that I can do it - not someone who wants to 'take me away from it all.' 

I enjoy my life, so immensely. It's full, it's productive; readers (some friends, but mostly strangers) e-mail me and say what I'm writing is making a difference. That's why I do this. This is worth it to me. I wouldn't have it any other way."

Batch It Up - I'll Take It

On a recent road trip, I listened to “The Four-Hour Work Week” to make the most of my time. Now, I’m no productivity junkie (I’ve seen those people – it’s hilarious to watch how unproductive they are), but Ferriss had some ideas I found easy to put into action immediately. His concept of batching in particular has been useful for solving a problem I’ve been having lately with focus.

Ferriss uses the analogy of how T-shirts are batched, or produced in quantity at once, at screen printers. He recommends applying this concept to regular tasks you face at work; such as checking e-mail and voicemail only twice a day at specified times. By batching you save time because you are not stopping in the middle of one task to read and answer e-mail or the phone, throwing your focus off of the task you were working on.

Here’s what my new auto-response is on my e-mail: “Due to the volume of projects I currently have, I will only be answering e-mails at 11 am and 4 pm daily. If you have a time-sensitive, urgent matter, please call me at 555-5555. Thank you and have a great day.”

I don’t pick up the phone when it rings as a rule. My voicemail goes: “You’ve reached Holly, blah blah manager at XYZ. Due to the volume of projects I currently have, I am checking voicemail at 11 am and 4 pm daily. If you have an urgent, time-sensitive matter, please call my cell phone at 444-4444.”

This has actually been working. As a matter of fact, some of my coworkers actually apologize when they do get ahold of me saying, “We all know you’re busy, but I’m having problems with X.” This method forces them to be specific with their requests, using less of your precious time.

I have been able to apply this to other areas, as well. I started batching things for this blog, for example. On Sundays, I set time aside to write all of my posts for the upcoming week. This has been particularly effective. It can take me a while to get into the creative mindset I need to write, and it’s not very efficient to take 15 or 20 minutes to get there and quit after just one post. So, I write three or four on Sunday and don’t write any more during the rest of the week.

I have also batched responding to comments and e-mails regarding the site. I do that on Tuesday, Thursday and Sundays. Scheduling it has allowed me to keep up with it on a regular basis and to be consistent with readers. On Wednesdays, I respond to other blogs I have read and e-mail or network with other bloggers. Again, this has helped with regularity and consistency. It also ensures that I’m not up at midnight reading and responding to blogs every night when I ought to be sleeping.

What can you batch?

One Life, Two Jobs

I recently acquired a second job in addition to my regular 8-5 corporate job. It was meant to accomplish two things: 1. Give me practical experience in the field in which I aim to start a business one day, and 2. Give me a little extra income to put toward savings for a house and investments.

I thought long and hard before deciding to take on a second job. Would I be able to handle the hours out of my social life and other entrepreneurial ventures? What toll would it take on my primary job/career? Were my reasons solid enough to keep me interested and motivated when I got tired and missed the beach?

It’s important to understand that my second job was not driven by the second reason – additional income. In "Rich Woman," Kim Kiyosaki talks about finding your Why, the thing that is going to keep you going when you want to give up, when you want to be a ‘normal’ person instead of spending all of your free time like some kind of freak who has two jobs and two companies to run. Ahem…

My Why in this case is establishing my own coffee bar. I never imagined I could ever do anything so bold as owning my own café, but one fateful encounter brought me to the realization that given the right Why, I am capable of almost anything. And while I feel that my Why is a very strong one, I found myself burnt out and near tears at the end of my second weekend of my new job, screaming in my head that today will be the last day I work here.

Luckily for me, one of the other cafés I had applied to at the same time as Job A called me for an interview. I rushed from the end of my shift to the interview. This new place was heaven. It was exactly what I had wanted in the other job but wasn’t getting. The owner sat in on the interview and got excited as I answered the “What is your defining characteristic or passion?” question promptly and firmly: “Entrepreneurship.”

This was the ideal situation. The owners were starting this shop from scratch after they dreamed about it for a year or two. They were excited to take me under their wings and show me what they did and were doing. The shop also hadn’t opened yet, so I got to see everything from the ground up. I have been trained on all elements of the business, whereas the other job had me working only in one area, and it had nothing to do with coffee. Bonus: They were completely understanding and sensitive to me having a full-time job and the need to have a weekend day off (I could only work 7-hour shifts every weekend day at the other café).

Establish your Why
It is crucial that you have a rock-solid Why before you go into a second job. Ask yourself what you want to accomplish with your new job. Are you trying to gain experience to add to your resume or for a future endeavor? Are you working for additional income? If so, establish a really great Why for how you intend to use the money you make from it. Your free time is worth a lot, and most part-time jobs aren’t going to pay a lot. There has to be a bigger pay-off besides money. If you are saving for a new home or for an investment, then establish this as your Why.

Use your Why when the going gets tough
Even with the new, totally amazing job that I love, love, love, I still get tired. When it’s Saturday midnight and I’m finishing my shift for the second night in a row, I think about my girlfriends and how they are probably out dancing after a day at the beach. As I start down that slippery slope I close my eyes and conjure up images of my own future café. I picture my employees, my couches, me chatting up the regulars. I throw in the added bonus of imagining leaving my café and going home to that house I’m saving up for from the additional income. Once I’m home and in bed, I know I wouldn’t be happy doing it any other way.

Define what you want from your second job
What days and hours do you want to work? Exactly what functions would you like to be serving and what role would you like to be in? Define the ideal situation before you go into it so that you can gauge whether or not the position is going to benefit you. The problem I had with Job A wasn’t that my Why wasn’t strong enough; the problem was that the hours didn’t work for me and I wasn’t learning anything beneficial for my end goal. When I saw Job B, I knew right away it was what I wanted. I didn’t need the first one; I would’ve quit it whether or not the other place I offered me a position.

Don’t over-commit yourself
If I were being realistic when I accepted Job A, I would’ve realized that working Saturdays and Sundays 8-4 on top of my Monday-Friday 8-5 wasn’t going to work out well. By the end of the second week I was exhausted and a crazed mess. All I did for those two weeks was come home from whichever job and try to get up the energy to do laundry, dishes, etc. I wasn’t eating properly, I was skipping workouts, and I was skimping on my personal life big time. I was so unhappy, and everyone could see it. Job B allows me to work shifts on weekday evenings and will schedule me for only one weekend day because they agreed with me when I said if I didn’t have one day off I would “go nuts.”

Don’t waste your precious time, but don’t give up
If you simply are not getting what you want out of your second job, leave it. Your free time is too precious to waste. Just be honest with yourself – don’t leave a second job if it’s benefiting you just because you want to hit the bar more often. Most people go through life sleeping; the ones who are awake live in a constant state of amazement. Don't be content with the status quo - that's sleeping. You’ll know deep down whether or not it’s worth it. I knew Job A was without a doubt a major waste of my spare time. I had such a strong feeling about Job B, however, that it almost felt kismet that it appeared when it did. I think you’ll know, but if you aren't sure, give it a shot and quit if it’s not what you wanted.

If money is your Why…
If your Why is the additional income a second job will generate, I have a few suggestions for making it work. Put all of it toward your goal. It can be tempting to splurge on all those little things you’ve been denied based on your regular salary. Don’t give in. A few weeks into it you’ll lose your drive because you can’t see it adding up.

Set up a separate account for this new income. If possible set up a direct deposit for that paycheck into a savings account instead of your checking account. I use ING for my savings instead of my regular bank because it has a higher interest rate and it’s not as convenient to withdrawal from (I am often tempted when I get low on cash to dip into my savings, so ING’s 2-3 day withdrawal time is key for me).

Finally, put some kind of visual reminder of where that money is going somewhere where you’ll see it everyday. This will not only keeping you motivated, but it will keep you from spending it on a new set of plates you don’t need from Pier 1.

How I Asked for a Raise in a Down Economy – And Got It

First, let me admit that I talked about asking for a raise for about two months before I finally got the cojones to actually do it. But that’s sort of how I operate. I like to think I’m improving though.

It all started back around the end of December when I decided I wanted to buy a house. I got in touch with a friend of a friend who is a mortgage broker and we went over my financials.

Mortgage broker: ‘Holly, your DTI [debt-to-income ratio] is simply too high. You do not spend frivolously. I do not see how you could lower your debt much either. You simply do not make enough. Can you ask for a raise?’
Me: ‘Oh, yeah. Let me just go run and ask my boss for a raise and say my mortgage broker said I need it. That’s what I’ve been waiting for.’

I spent a good few weeks feeling hopeless, dejected and trying to figure out how to lower my debt, assuming that a raise was out of the question. As I struggled to find ways to lower my debt, I became frustrated and began to wonder just how little I made... Less than most dental hygenists it turned out. Less than the lower 10 percent of my profession in my state it turned out. Talk about a heightened sense of frustration.

From there I timidly started throwing out the idea to my closest friends: “I’m thinking about asking for a raise,” I’d say casually. And, seeing as I have the best friends in the whole world, all of them said, “Right on! You should! You deserve more!” Thanks, guys.

Then, I told two of my accountability partners. “I’m doing it on Monday,” I swore to my self-imposed bullshit-callers. Then, Monday evening I had to explain to them why I didn’t. A dozen lame excuses later, I realized the only one who was suffering bad pay was me.

I did a little bit of research online, but honestly unless you’ve never asked for a raise before, don’t really have a valid reason to do so, or don’t have a parent or mentor to explain it to you, then this is a waste of time. I didn’t learn anything I didn’t already know, and all it did was give me a way to put off what I didn’t want to do. So one morning, armed with notes and government labor statistics, I meekly asked my boss if he had a minute.

I opened the conversation with a comment on not really knowing how raises worked (not quite true – I was very familiar with my company’s policies, which I highly recommend you know before going in), but that I had passed my six-month mark with no evaluation. He replied that raises usually came at the one year mark and in the form of 2-3 percent. Was this what I was looking for, he asked. Well, I replied, I was looking for something a little more substantial and pointed out the industry and market stats I had (briefly and in one easy sentence – no one wants to hear your research paper on the subject). He said he wasn’t sure what he could do, but that I was definitely on track for the small yearly bump.

Rejection. I went in the office bathroom and forced myself to suck back the tears. You’re a grown-up, for crying out loud, I told myself, and hey, at least you asked. Time to look for a new job, I thought. Bummer. I like my job, but nothing will stand in the way of me achieving my own home.

Imagine my surprise two days later when my boss asks me if I have a minute. Here’s what I’ll do for you, he says. Something close to the sum I was hoping for, plus my yearly bump when I get there. Hurrah! Take that soft economy and you financial naysayers! I visited the bathroom again, this time to do a little dance.

So what it did it really take to get my raise? The balls to ask for it. Show up and suit up, and stuff happens. Not showing up because you’re assuming you’ll lose is ridiculous. Know what you want, know what you’re worth and ask for it, politely and informed, and be prepared for one of three answers: yes, no or maybe. You don't have to demand or threaten to quit. The worst that can happen is they say no or I don’t know. Hey, I’ve been there and it’s still worth it.

No harm in asking.

Work: My Security Blanket

Like Linus, the Peanuts character whose blue blankie is ever-present, so I am with my tan-and-black workbag. It contains whatever two or three books I’m reading (currently Eat Pray Love, Rich Dad Poor Dad, and E-Myth), my planner, two journals (one personal and one career-related), pens, pencils, highlighters, and all the lovely little things that go in a normal purse.

I lug it around with me everywhere. I get razzed endlessly by my friends, family, or whoever else is around to be embarrassed by what is clearly too large and inappropriate for the movies, a restaurant, or shopping. “What do you need all that for?” is a frequently-asked question.

What do I need it all for? Well, just in case. In case of what? In case I have a free moment. In case I end up somewhere alone. Just in case.

So, here I am in my hometown of Pensacola for my grandfather’s funeral, lugging around my bag of work gear endlessly, not getting anything done. I have nothing to do. My work stuff is all at the office. Staying with relatives means no Internet (slinking away from relations for a daily dose of coffee and Internet seems addict-like), so I can’t work on the blog. Endless chaos and noise and relatives you’ve not seen for years do not make for an environment conducive to reading or journaling. So, my bag is useless.

Which means I CAN’T WORK. For some reason, this has me geeking out more than anything. I have no routine. All of my pet projects, all of my entrepreneurial endeavors, everything that has defined my waking (and sometimes sleeping) life is unavailable to me. A big gaping hole of non-productivity – that’s what I feel like. It’s like an itch that can’t be scratched. I guess the real problem is that I want to be back in my life.

In reality, I simply don’t want to be here – not here in Pensacola or at my grandfather’s funeral. I don’t want to be going through this.

I don’t think that it’s uncommon to use work as a security blanket. Often times, we simply don’t want to deal with the big emotional things looming larger than life – surely updating the margin widths of my website is of the utmost importance. Hmm…

I won’t go on a lengthy diatribe about how detrimental a workaholic attitude (the use of work as a way to not deal with emotional pain) can be. We know that it ruins marriages, families, relationships, and friendships, and can lead to even bigger isms (alcoholism, obsessive compulsive disorder, depression). It also doesn’t get you anywhere.

Someone once told me that painful things will happen in life and you’ll have an overwhelming urge to do something, anything about it. You will be frantic trying to find a way to fix it, to plug the hole through which emotion is flowing, like the Dutch boy with his finger in a dam. Unfortunately, we come across situations that we can’t do anything about. There is simply nothing to be done about losing two people you care very much about in less than two weeks. There is nothing to be done about 12-hour drives, crazy families and heartache. The only thing you can do is feel the pain. All you can do is simply stand.

I don’t really know how I made it through actually. I can tell you that I feel somehow stronger knowing that I came through all of it without any crutches. I know I can survive almost anything. Asking for a raise no longer seems like the earth-shattering event it was three weeks ago. The thought of not seeing that guy anymore is no longer life-altering. Everything seems somehow smaller, paltry. I know I weather any unexpected storm. I know I can stand.

Stand undeterred.

How Baby Steps Became a Huge Deal

If you had told me three months ago what I would be doing tomorrow, I wouldn’t have believed you.

A few months ago, my life took an unexpected turn. I was on a second date, which happened also to be my 26th birthday, and he asked me where I saw myself in 10 years. I had no answer. Stumped and on the spot, I had to admit that I wasn’t really sure.

Ouch. For one thing, I knew that wasn’t a good thing for a date. More importantly, I couldn’t believe I didn’t have any idea where I wanted to be in 10 years. I mean, this is standard stuff, stuff I would’ve had figured out if you had asked me a year ago. But since my life was turned upside down last April, I had been focusing so much on my day-to-day being that I hadn’t been thinking about my future.

I thought about it a lot the following couple of days. I asked myself a lot of questions as I spaced out at work staring at my computer screen. I asked myself what I would do if I had no boundaries, no limits, if money wasn’t a factor. 

The answer was instantaneous. I would open a coffee bar. I had dreamed secretly of owning a coffee bar since I was in high school, but I had never considered it a possibility. Owning a business was something other people did, not me. I couldn’t; I wouldn’t know how, I always figured.

But then I thought, why not me? Why couldn’t I do the thing I had always dreamed of doing, but dared not pursue?

That one date, that one question set me on the path I am on today. I bought a copy of Ladies Who Launch and began to define my dream. I learned how to dream even bigger, to flesh out my plans, to become comfortable with speaking about my dream. I even named it and registered the domain for a future website.

Then I was poking through the bookstore again when someone recommended The E-Myth Revisited to me. I started reading it and realized how little I knew about my intended business despite having worked at two cafes. So, I applied for weekend positions at Starbucks and a couple of the local independents.

Tomorrow is my first day at one of those cafes. Tomorrow will be the most concrete step I’ve taken since I started allowing myself to believe that I can do this. Sometimes I pick my head up from my unbelievably busy life and take a look around. I can’t believe how much I’ve been able to accomplish in the past couple of months.

Oh, and I still got the third date.

Dream big. Baby step.