When "Relaxation" Becomes Plain Lazy

I’m staring back at my reflection wearily. I’ve just finished washing my face for bed when I realize why I’m so tired of looking at myself in the mirror every night. It smacks me it comes back so suddenly. This is what you looked like before you got a grip, I remember.

There’s a lack of color here. There’s been a lack of color since… since… when did it fade? Somewhere around falling in love and completing my relay marathon only a month ago. I used that week after the race to “reward myself.” I let myself eat poorly and slack off on my training… way off. As in, didn’t do it all.

That week has yawned into a month.

I can feel the little roll at tummy when I slump in my bad posture. It isn’t just that my face has lost color and that I have probably put on two or three pounds. I haven’t been sleeping enough, not what I call a healthful amount. I haven’t been going to enough meetings and I can feel that my spiritual well-being is affected. I’ve been eating entire meals out of the vending machine at work.

This isn’t the dark cloud of grief that rolled overhead back at the beginning of April. This is laziness. Knowing how to pick myself up and not being willing to do the work to bring that about. In my 12-step program, we say that when the pain is enough, we will act.

Luckily my threshold for pain has become amazingly low. Tonight, one glance in the mirror does the trick. I’m tired of being lazy, I assert to my innermost self. This sucks. Let’s quit this shit and get on with the rest of it.

I could go on and on as to why this has happened – work has been slow and uninspiring, a new relationship needs attention, there are things to do besides train for races that are months away. Excuses. Excuses I’ve been willing to make and accept because I am lazy and unmotivated. So here I am. Out of racing shape, pallid faced with an upset stomach and three pounds heavier. I’ve even been reduced to participating in pointless blog commenting, something I usually have enough serenity to not get involved in.

This one is all on me. I’ve written before about accountability partners and the wonders they can work for helping you to stay motivated. That’s fine and well, unless you stop calling them… especially when you want to avoid being, er… accountable.

In the past I could spend an entire blog post on how I’m going to pull my shit together, exactly what I’ll do and in what order to get things back on track, reassure you the reader that I am indeed doing it. And then promptly sit on my ass for two more weeks before I finally follow through. I won’t do that here. I’m not sure when my motivation will come back to me or when exactly I’ll decide that it’s been enough.

I think I just did though.

Forget Relaxation - Take A Bliss Break

It’s been suggested that I’m wound a *little* tight. I’ll be the first to admit that I have problems relaxing. I tend to be sort of a black-or-white, stop-or-go kind of person, at least when it comes to my work and myself. For the past five months or so, I haven’t been able to let go of this tension. I’ve sort of had this feeling that I need it to keep going, that somehow relaxing would cause me to lose my momentum. 

On the other hand, I know that I need to relax every now and then; otherwise I won’t be as productive as I could be. And so it has been with this in mind – increased productivity – that I have set about trying to “relax.” Like any good workaholic, I schedule a break. I cordon off a largish chunk of the day and I say this is where I will relax. 

It never works. For some reason all I can think is something along the lines of “Hurry up and relax so we can get revitalized and work better!” It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that not a lot of relaxing gets done this way. And yet, bull-headed and not really knowing any other way of doing it, I keep trying the same thing expecting different results.

So when Date #4 asked if I would like to steal away to his property in the Hill Country for the weekend, I said yes without a second thought. I wondered if it were possible that I could actually unwind finally. Would I be able to release the tension I’d been holding so tightly to me for the past five months?

I won’t lie: I brought my laptop with me and double-checked with D#4 that there would indeed be Internet access. And bless his heart, he let me bring it, warning me that I wouldn’t want it once I got there.

Indeed, as we drove onto smaller-still roads that turned to gravel, I thought two things: one, is he gonna kill me out here; and two, you’d have to get me this far away from things to quiet my mind. I am pleased to report that the majority of the weekend was spent in sleep (10 hours every night for three nights), in bed (ahem), reading fiction (fiction?!), talking, or hiking and swimming.

The weekend was in a word blissful. (Merriam-Webster defines bliss as "complete happiness.") I had let go of every thought of work, this blog, my company… I wasn’t consciously attempting to relax. I had sort of given up on the idea. I finally let go of the part of myself that felt guilty or anxious for indulging in day-long pajama-wearing or 48 hours without e-mail (gasp!).

I came back to work refreshed and ready to tackle a lot of projects I’d been putting off. I was much more focused than I had been (that might have had something to do with all of the sleep I got), and my mind was swirling with new business ideas. And, of course, this post.

What is the most blissful thing you could do for yourself? Maybe it’s as simple as a pedicure, calling in a sick day to go surf, or spending 48 hours in the country. Try to make it happen this weekend. See how much more productive you are on Monday.

Prepare to Stay Ahead

There has been some major backsliding going on in my life the past three or four weeks. Let’s just say some slacking has occurred… it’s like cancer. It started in one area of my life and spread quickly to the others. Part of this can be blamed on tragedy and illness, but that crutch has gotten old. It’s time to throw out the excuses and get things back on track now.

Sleep
I used to be the Queen of Good Rest. I always slept well and for the optimal time. I guarded my sleep schedule like it was Fort Knox. I defended it and nurtured it. It’s as if I’ve spent the past month beating the shit out of it and calling it a Bad Kid. It hates me now and acts like an angry toddler. When I do give myself the time to get a good night’s rest, I have problems either falling asleep or staying asleep. When I wake up, I don’t feel refreshed. I feel more tired. Last night I slept for 9 hours to make up for the 5 ½ hour sleep cycles I’ve been doing. I feel less awake. People even say I look tired. I need to get back on a schedule. I’m sure it has to do with the fact that it’s been erratic.

Diet
I’ve lost three more pounds. Most women would be excited by this. I am not. This has nothing to do with healthy weight loss – I’m not eating right. And I’m running distance. As a distance runner, weight loss is your enemy (after a certain point anyways). I am usually vigilant about my diet – 6 or 7 small, regimented meals per day. I make sure I eat enough protein, iron, dairy and good carbs. Lately, I’ve been skipping meals, not really eating anything healthy, etc. I can feel how awful it is for me. Eating well takes time. You need to get to the grocery regularly for fresh produce and plan your meals ahead if you have a jam-packed day like I do.

Running/exercise
I run four days a week like it’s my religion. Since everything happened last month, I have seriously slacked. It’s Thursday and I haven’t run at all this week. Now, this is serious business. I have a 5K and a relay marathon to run in May. I’m not where I need to be. Aside from that, running is my release. I feel energized and empowered when I’m done with a good run. I particularly enjoy the time I spend outside doing it. It’s relaxing. Skimping on this area of my life does exponential harm to me; it kills my relaxation and my health.

Budget
Ugh. To be fair, I’ve lost 18 pounds since I got sober. The first five came off right away (I was a beer drinker – muy fattening). The rest I lost in the past 5 months or so through the combination of a healthy diet and running. So, I’m down a few sizes in almost everything, especially work clothes. That’s where I’m blowing my money. I’m close to overdrafting my bank account, and that is a place I really hate to be.

General cleanliness
Please step away from the apartment, miss. Really, things are pretty messy on the home front. I’m never in my apartment and since I am moving next weekend, I decided not to worry about doing much until then. Really, all I’ve done is create more work for myself when I start packing. The car is in pretty bad shape too – a cleaning inside and out is definitely in order.

Tardiness
Running around at break-neck speed has caused me to forget just about everything. (Hello? I brought my running clothes, but left my sneakers. Is anyone home?) I am sleeping as late as I can, and thus making it to work perpetually 15 minutes late, which causes me to leave 15 minutes late, throwing my entire schedule into chaos. That does not look good to the boss either. And, let’s face it, tardiness is tacky.

The Solution
The best people in my life always tell me to get out of the problem and into the solution. Having defined the problem, I know how to tackle it. One of my major problems has been budgeting time for preparation. Most of the things above can be eliminated if I will simply slow down and take the time to prepare for them.

I need to prepare my food for the next day. I need to get my bag of running gear together the night before. I have to take the time to sit down with monthly bills twice a month and look at how much I can afford to spend on clothes, etc. I need to spend just 10 little minutes cleaning up when I get home instead of falling onto the couch with the laptop for an hour. And finally, I need to guard my sleep schedule like it was the Most Precious and Dear Thing on the Earth again.

Running on fumes

I have a tendency, like most young paycheck-to-paycheck earners, to let my gas tank get so low, I am convinced it is running merely on gas fumes when I pull into the station. I am running on fumes, vapors, slight wisps of flagging energy as my personal orange light glows insistently.

I don't understand. I've never felt so energized by my personal and professional life. Why at this point am I more tired, nay, more exhausted than I have ever been? I am exercising regularly, getting great cardio and mixing in an occasional yoga class. I am eating healthy, timing my fruit, veggie, protein and carb intake to the best times of day. I am taking a daily multivitamin. I leave my work stress at the office. I go to bed before midnight. What the heck is going on?

I have begun to notice, too, that my physical exhaustion creeps into my emotional life. Both yesterday and today I have felt close to tears on more than one occasion, even making a dash for the office bathroom to choke back some emotion and pump myself back up. And all these healthy habits I mentioned above, there's a part of me that wants to say, "Screw it, I'm still exhausted. Let's skip the run and go have a burger and a strawberry shake." But I don't, because I know I'd still feel exhausted – plus lazy and bloated to boot.

I can't help but feel like at some point I'm going to breakdown if I don't stop to refuel. I think the real problem is that I haven't felt a moment of relaxation in the past three weeks. Even my sleep serves a purpose; it's a necessity, something that needs to get done on the checklist so I can carry on with the rest of the list.

But how do you refuel?

Not just what do you do, but how do you stop your brain and recharge?

Tell us: What restores your energy and brings you renewed vitality to face your day-to-day challenges and big goals?