When "Relaxation" Becomes Plain Lazy

I’m staring back at my reflection wearily. I’ve just finished washing my face for bed when I realize why I’m so tired of looking at myself in the mirror every night. It smacks me it comes back so suddenly. This is what you looked like before you got a grip, I remember.

There’s a lack of color here. There’s been a lack of color since… since… when did it fade? Somewhere around falling in love and completing my relay marathon only a month ago. I used that week after the race to “reward myself.” I let myself eat poorly and slack off on my training… way off. As in, didn’t do it all.

That week has yawned into a month.

I can feel the little roll at tummy when I slump in my bad posture. It isn’t just that my face has lost color and that I have probably put on two or three pounds. I haven’t been sleeping enough, not what I call a healthful amount. I haven’t been going to enough meetings and I can feel that my spiritual well-being is affected. I’ve been eating entire meals out of the vending machine at work.

This isn’t the dark cloud of grief that rolled overhead back at the beginning of April. This is laziness. Knowing how to pick myself up and not being willing to do the work to bring that about. In my 12-step program, we say that when the pain is enough, we will act.

Luckily my threshold for pain has become amazingly low. Tonight, one glance in the mirror does the trick. I’m tired of being lazy, I assert to my innermost self. This sucks. Let’s quit this shit and get on with the rest of it.

I could go on and on as to why this has happened – work has been slow and uninspiring, a new relationship needs attention, there are things to do besides train for races that are months away. Excuses. Excuses I’ve been willing to make and accept because I am lazy and unmotivated. So here I am. Out of racing shape, pallid faced with an upset stomach and three pounds heavier. I’ve even been reduced to participating in pointless blog commenting, something I usually have enough serenity to not get involved in.

This one is all on me. I’ve written before about accountability partners and the wonders they can work for helping you to stay motivated. That’s fine and well, unless you stop calling them… especially when you want to avoid being, er… accountable.

In the past I could spend an entire blog post on how I’m going to pull my shit together, exactly what I’ll do and in what order to get things back on track, reassure you the reader that I am indeed doing it. And then promptly sit on my ass for two more weeks before I finally follow through. I won’t do that here. I’m not sure when my motivation will come back to me or when exactly I’ll decide that it’s been enough.

I think I just did though.

Be Good at What You Do – Even If You Don’t Like It

It’s not really news to anybody that I’m not exactly passionate about my 8-5 job. The work I do is highly analytical, data-oriented and involves me starting at a computer screen for 8 hours a day. When people ask me what I do at my job, their eyes generally glaze over when I get about 15 seconds into it. That’s about how long it takes before my eyes glaze over when I open up a new set of data I’m about to work with. I am not, however, excused from excelling at my job.

I believe that if you ask my coworkers, my boss, and the associates who rely on my work on a daily basis how I am doing, they will probably tell you that I’m a data whiz kid, an Excel genius, a PowerPoint guru. OK, maybe that’s taking it too far, but for the most part, they’ll tell you I rock my job. Because I do.

Let me repeat – I don’t love my job. As a matter of fact, about twice a week I skulk off to the online department and chat with the guys over there about what’s new in the online world. I wonder, sometimes out loud, when another position will be budgeted especially for me. Then I go back to my desk and finish my work.

Sound boring? It is.

Maybe this sounds really bleak to you, really dismal and boring and you say to yourself, “I could never do that.” Well, remember that I do have a passion – my own business that I am growing after hours.

It’s also really exciting to hear the president of your company decide that you are the only person necessary at a conference call who is not a manager or vice-president. It’s nice to hear you described to a new manager as an integral part of such-and-such process. It’s gratifying to hear that you were impressive in that strategic planning meeting.

It could be tempting given the recent success my own business is having, to not give a crap about my current job. Here’s the thing: I don’t want to be known as a crappy worker. I don’t want to put mediocre work out into the world. I also respect that the people I work with are counting on me to support them the best that I can. They are passionate about their jobs and they are counting on it to provide for them.

In a word, what I am talking about it responsibility. I may not be passionate about my 8-5 job, but I am passionate about being a quality employee and coworker. To buck Gen Y stereotypes, I guess you might say I am passionate about responsibility.

If that’s not good enough for you, then remember that everyone you come in contact with at your current job is a contact. Your reputation as a solid worker is at stake.

*Shortly after writing this post, I found out that I am up for Employee of the Month at my company. Pretty great for a job I'm not passionate about, huh?

How I Asked for a Raise in a Down Economy – And Got It

First, let me admit that I talked about asking for a raise for about two months before I finally got the cojones to actually do it. But that’s sort of how I operate. I like to think I’m improving though.

It all started back around the end of December when I decided I wanted to buy a house. I got in touch with a friend of a friend who is a mortgage broker and we went over my financials.

Mortgage broker: ‘Holly, your DTI [debt-to-income ratio] is simply too high. You do not spend frivolously. I do not see how you could lower your debt much either. You simply do not make enough. Can you ask for a raise?’
Me: ‘Oh, yeah. Let me just go run and ask my boss for a raise and say my mortgage broker said I need it. That’s what I’ve been waiting for.’

I spent a good few weeks feeling hopeless, dejected and trying to figure out how to lower my debt, assuming that a raise was out of the question. As I struggled to find ways to lower my debt, I became frustrated and began to wonder just how little I made... Less than most dental hygenists it turned out. Less than the lower 10 percent of my profession in my state it turned out. Talk about a heightened sense of frustration.

From there I timidly started throwing out the idea to my closest friends: “I’m thinking about asking for a raise,” I’d say casually. And, seeing as I have the best friends in the whole world, all of them said, “Right on! You should! You deserve more!” Thanks, guys.

Then, I told two of my accountability partners. “I’m doing it on Monday,” I swore to my self-imposed bullshit-callers. Then, Monday evening I had to explain to them why I didn’t. A dozen lame excuses later, I realized the only one who was suffering bad pay was me.

I did a little bit of research online, but honestly unless you’ve never asked for a raise before, don’t really have a valid reason to do so, or don’t have a parent or mentor to explain it to you, then this is a waste of time. I didn’t learn anything I didn’t already know, and all it did was give me a way to put off what I didn’t want to do. So one morning, armed with notes and government labor statistics, I meekly asked my boss if he had a minute.

I opened the conversation with a comment on not really knowing how raises worked (not quite true – I was very familiar with my company’s policies, which I highly recommend you know before going in), but that I had passed my six-month mark with no evaluation. He replied that raises usually came at the one year mark and in the form of 2-3 percent. Was this what I was looking for, he asked. Well, I replied, I was looking for something a little more substantial and pointed out the industry and market stats I had (briefly and in one easy sentence – no one wants to hear your research paper on the subject). He said he wasn’t sure what he could do, but that I was definitely on track for the small yearly bump.

Rejection. I went in the office bathroom and forced myself to suck back the tears. You’re a grown-up, for crying out loud, I told myself, and hey, at least you asked. Time to look for a new job, I thought. Bummer. I like my job, but nothing will stand in the way of me achieving my own home.

Imagine my surprise two days later when my boss asks me if I have a minute. Here’s what I’ll do for you, he says. Something close to the sum I was hoping for, plus my yearly bump when I get there. Hurrah! Take that soft economy and you financial naysayers! I visited the bathroom again, this time to do a little dance.

So what it did it really take to get my raise? The balls to ask for it. Show up and suit up, and stuff happens. Not showing up because you’re assuming you’ll lose is ridiculous. Know what you want, know what you’re worth and ask for it, politely and informed, and be prepared for one of three answers: yes, no or maybe. You don't have to demand or threaten to quit. The worst that can happen is they say no or I don’t know. Hey, I’ve been there and it’s still worth it.

No harm in asking.

Work: My Security Blanket

Like Linus, the Peanuts character whose blue blankie is ever-present, so I am with my tan-and-black workbag. It contains whatever two or three books I’m reading (currently Eat Pray Love, Rich Dad Poor Dad, and E-Myth), my planner, two journals (one personal and one career-related), pens, pencils, highlighters, and all the lovely little things that go in a normal purse.

I lug it around with me everywhere. I get razzed endlessly by my friends, family, or whoever else is around to be embarrassed by what is clearly too large and inappropriate for the movies, a restaurant, or shopping. “What do you need all that for?” is a frequently-asked question.

What do I need it all for? Well, just in case. In case of what? In case I have a free moment. In case I end up somewhere alone. Just in case.

So, here I am in my hometown of Pensacola for my grandfather’s funeral, lugging around my bag of work gear endlessly, not getting anything done. I have nothing to do. My work stuff is all at the office. Staying with relatives means no Internet (slinking away from relations for a daily dose of coffee and Internet seems addict-like), so I can’t work on the blog. Endless chaos and noise and relatives you’ve not seen for years do not make for an environment conducive to reading or journaling. So, my bag is useless.

Which means I CAN’T WORK. For some reason, this has me geeking out more than anything. I have no routine. All of my pet projects, all of my entrepreneurial endeavors, everything that has defined my waking (and sometimes sleeping) life is unavailable to me. A big gaping hole of non-productivity – that’s what I feel like. It’s like an itch that can’t be scratched. I guess the real problem is that I want to be back in my life.

In reality, I simply don’t want to be here – not here in Pensacola or at my grandfather’s funeral. I don’t want to be going through this.

I don’t think that it’s uncommon to use work as a security blanket. Often times, we simply don’t want to deal with the big emotional things looming larger than life – surely updating the margin widths of my website is of the utmost importance. Hmm…

I won’t go on a lengthy diatribe about how detrimental a workaholic attitude (the use of work as a way to not deal with emotional pain) can be. We know that it ruins marriages, families, relationships, and friendships, and can lead to even bigger isms (alcoholism, obsessive compulsive disorder, depression). It also doesn’t get you anywhere.

Someone once told me that painful things will happen in life and you’ll have an overwhelming urge to do something, anything about it. You will be frantic trying to find a way to fix it, to plug the hole through which emotion is flowing, like the Dutch boy with his finger in a dam. Unfortunately, we come across situations that we can’t do anything about. There is simply nothing to be done about losing two people you care very much about in less than two weeks. There is nothing to be done about 12-hour drives, crazy families and heartache. The only thing you can do is feel the pain. All you can do is simply stand.

I don’t really know how I made it through actually. I can tell you that I feel somehow stronger knowing that I came through all of it without any crutches. I know I can survive almost anything. Asking for a raise no longer seems like the earth-shattering event it was three weeks ago. The thought of not seeing that guy anymore is no longer life-altering. Everything seems somehow smaller, paltry. I know I weather any unexpected storm. I know I can stand.

Stand undeterred.

How Baby Steps Became a Huge Deal

If you had told me three months ago what I would be doing tomorrow, I wouldn’t have believed you.

A few months ago, my life took an unexpected turn. I was on a second date, which happened also to be my 26th birthday, and he asked me where I saw myself in 10 years. I had no answer. Stumped and on the spot, I had to admit that I wasn’t really sure.

Ouch. For one thing, I knew that wasn’t a good thing for a date. More importantly, I couldn’t believe I didn’t have any idea where I wanted to be in 10 years. I mean, this is standard stuff, stuff I would’ve had figured out if you had asked me a year ago. But since my life was turned upside down last April, I had been focusing so much on my day-to-day being that I hadn’t been thinking about my future.

I thought about it a lot the following couple of days. I asked myself a lot of questions as I spaced out at work staring at my computer screen. I asked myself what I would do if I had no boundaries, no limits, if money wasn’t a factor. 

The answer was instantaneous. I would open a coffee bar. I had dreamed secretly of owning a coffee bar since I was in high school, but I had never considered it a possibility. Owning a business was something other people did, not me. I couldn’t; I wouldn’t know how, I always figured.

But then I thought, why not me? Why couldn’t I do the thing I had always dreamed of doing, but dared not pursue?

That one date, that one question set me on the path I am on today. I bought a copy of Ladies Who Launch and began to define my dream. I learned how to dream even bigger, to flesh out my plans, to become comfortable with speaking about my dream. I even named it and registered the domain for a future website.

Then I was poking through the bookstore again when someone recommended The E-Myth Revisited to me. I started reading it and realized how little I knew about my intended business despite having worked at two cafes. So, I applied for weekend positions at Starbucks and a couple of the local independents.

Tomorrow is my first day at one of those cafes. Tomorrow will be the most concrete step I’ve taken since I started allowing myself to believe that I can do this. Sometimes I pick my head up from my unbelievably busy life and take a look around. I can’t believe how much I’ve been able to accomplish in the past couple of months.

Oh, and I still got the third date.

Dream big. Baby step.

I Get Accountable: A Follow-Up

I took my own advice this week after blogging about accountability partners. After all, that’s what the post was about. I met with a girlfriend Wednesday to catch up and discuss a book I had loaned to her a few weeks ago, Ladies Who Launch. It was the first book I read when I realized I wanted to be an entrepreneur and it eased me into the start-up mindset. So, knowing my friend was feeling uninspired, I loaned it to her. It had such an impact at a pivotal moment in my life, I was anxious to see how it would affect her.

After a great hour-and-a-half long conversation that included brainstorming business ideas, we agreed that it would be nice to do on a regular basis. Earlier that day, at a political rally, I bumped into another one of my girlfriends, an ex-coworker, who in the course of the usual chit-chat off-handedly mentioned that she was thinking of starting her own business. I made a lunch date with her for later in the week, and mentioned the idea of adding her to our weekly meetings to my other friend.

Accountability group accomplished. It’s more than that, though, since we have different interests. We’re all interested in starting our own businesses, but some of us are interested in real estate investing, stocks and inventing. The nice thing is that three people can accomplish more than one can. So, instead of one person trying to research sole proprietorships, limited liability corporations, taxes and bookkeeping, trademarking and copyrighting law, etc., we have three people who can split it up. And where one person has X contacts in her network, our group will multiply that by three.

Besides all of the rational and technical benefits of our group, there is also the more emotional benefit of knowing that there are people who get excited about the same things I do, who are striving toward the lofty goals as well, who are unsatisfied with the status quo and are willing to take action.

Stand Up and Be Accounted

Accountability is a word you often hear bounced around your workplace (i.e. being held accountable for your responsibilities) and the big business arena (i.e. corporate accountability). What I’m talking about is a different sort of accountability. Really, the word has come to mean so little to me due to its jargonization from the first two instances that I needed to look it up.

Accountability, according to Merriam-Webster, means the quality or state of being accountable; especially: an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one's actions.

I first heard of “accountability groups” from their use as post-rehab groups. Recovering addicts and alcoholics leaving rehab facilities who live in the same area get together regularly to discuss their recent progress and actions, and to accept responsibility for them.

That might sound pretty hard-core, but it’s something that I’ve been able to utilize recently to help me make some life changes I really wanted to achieve. For instance, most recently I decided that it would be better for my life overall if I started waking up earlier. I thought a long time before I mentioned it to anybody because I know myself and I know that waking up earlier is not going to be easy for me. Once I made the decision, I knew that I couldn’t go it alone.

How to get started
My accountability partner happened on accident. When I started my running program, I got so excited about it that I told everyone. One friend in particular made a point of asking me nearly every time I talked to him how my running program was going. I always answered honestly, whether it was going good or bad. When it was good, he was glad to hear it; keep it up, he said. When it was rough, he offered encouraging words; don’t give up, he said, you’ll get there.

The amazing thing, though, is what took place in my head. When I thought about skipping a run, I knew I would have to face my friend with the truth. I was going to be held accountable for my decision. Knowing that made me go through the excuses I would try to get away with, know that no one of them would work and I would sound like an ass, so I went for my run. It’s been 8 weeks since I started that running program and I haven’t missed a day!

So, when it came time to quit coffee and within a few days, begin a new morning routine, I told my accountability partner. Day Six without coffee and Day Two waking up early, and he’s asked me about both. And each time I see a tempting cup of coffee or I feel the desire to hit the snooze button, I imagine having to tell my accountability partner my lame reasons why I made those decisions.

Don’t just take – give accountability!
I realized this morning how much of an accountability monger I’ve been! Spread the love, people. You can be someone’s accountability partner, too. All it takes is a genuine concern and a little bit of effort to remember to ask a friend how he or she is doing on whatever new venture or project they are working on.

The nice thing about accountability is that it does have a whole lot to do with advice. If you know something about their project, great. Offer your experience. But it doesn’t matter if you don’t. The point is that you are there.

Tips for accountability
1. You’re there to give/get support. You don’t need to dish out advice every time you talk to someone. Ask them how it’s going, good or bad. Get details if it’s bad. Let them know if you’re seeing progress. This can be especially important for long-term goals.

2. Don’t be an unsolicited accountability partner. It sucks, but it’s true – sometimes people don’t want to be held accountable. I see it every New Year; people tell you about their new resolution, and when you ask them about it two or three weeks later you get a mumble and a growl. Not everyone wants to really change, and you’ll only piss them off, you busy body know-it-all!

3. Frequency is key. If you’re not being held accountable on a regular basis, then it won’t work. Figure out what the optimal schedule is for the task at hand. If it’s running four times a week, then at least once a week will work. If it’s sticking to a monthly budget, then once a month might work. Figure it out with your accountability partner so that you don’t go too easy or too hard on yourself.

4. Your accountability partner should keep you in line. Dump a doormat accountability partner. They’ll get you nowhere fast and you might not be helping them much either. On the other side of the spectrum, ditch an overbearing partner. You shouldn’t dread calling your accountability partner because you think he or she is going to rail at you. That’s the fastest way to give up.

5. Be honest. Otherwise, there’s no point. Remember, this isn’t forced upon you as a class assignment or as a job duty. It’s supposed to be about a change you really want to make. If you’re not honest, you’re only lying to yourself.

6. Spread the love; start an accountability group. If you are a person in the middle of totally reworking your life from top to bottom, honey, you might be too much for one person! In all seriousness, being an accountability partner is a big responsibility. Consider getting a group of like-minded friends together once a month to discuss your goals, actions and plans and hold each other accountable for them. Sometimes it’s just nice to know that not everyone is perfect 100% of the time. A group can be there to share their experiences with similar goals or projects.

7. Post it on a blog. Hard to admit publicly that your attempt at quitting coffee or waking up early failed miserably because you didn't have the will power to pull it off. Heh.

Don't forget the rewards

Providing a friend with support can be a truly amazing experience. My accountability partner told me recently how rewarding it’s been for him to see me achieve the goals he’s helped me with. I hope one day I can experience that kind of reward with many of my friends.

Get accounted.

How I change my habits

Thanks to a recent article circulating some of my favorite blogs, I found this article on quitting caffeine through LifeHacker.com.

I am drinking tea right now. At 9 a.m. Those of you who know me at all know this is something of a feat in itself. I guess we'll see who the real friends are around Saturday, when the caffeine withdraws get ugly.

Honestly, though, this is exactly what happened when I decided I wanted to start eating healthier. One day I woke up and I simply didn't feel like putting crap in my body anymore. This morning I woke up and I was tired and I wanted to feel energized, not caffeinated. When I walked into the office kitchen I glanced at the coffee pot, and without a second thought, I headed to the hot water instead.

This is how it's worked for me lately when I decide I want something in my life to change. I start to think about it as an option. Then, I try to force myself to do it and fail a few times. I typically take on a "screw it" attitude and gorge myself on something I'm trying to quit or totally ignore something I want to do. It doesn't take long before I come full-circle with conviction to just do whatever it is without really thinking about it. This is how it's been when I quit drinking, started eating healthier, took up running, and decided to launch a business.

Think it, try it, fail, screw it, succeed.