This past week I’ve been grappling with what Love is exactly. Not the kind between friends and family, but the kind between two people in a relationship. Is it codependency? Is it having a partner in crime? A best friend you have hot sex with? Someone who can teach you something that you can in turn teach also? Is it an ethereal feeling that no one can pinpoint because it’s different for everyone? Is it forever or is it fleeting and something else carries you through the rest of the years?

I have no idea, to be honest. But I think I’m falling in love. And it’s got me nervous.

It would just be insane to say that I am actually in love at this point. We’ve been seeing each other for about a month. But to say I am in the process is true enough.

I’ve been hesitant to give a follow-up to my online dating post for several reasons, but it had a bit of a cliffhanger ending I suppose because my friends, family and readers have been asking for an update on the status of Date #4.

::Sap alert::

Even I groaned when I first heard myself say it. As a dyed-in-the-wool Sag, I am not prone to expressions of love or sentiment, nor do I always know how to handle them. Plus, let’s face it; I’m a bit of a commitment phobe. I really wasn’t looking for a relationship when this whole thing started with the online dating experiment. Just fun, just dates. Then Date #4 came along.

I knew I was in trouble after that second date. We ate great food and had some phenomenal conversation. Attraction was clearly mutual. It was definitely unexpected. I was nearly knocked off my feet when after mentioning my thesis he said, “Oh, Heidegger? I studied him a bit. What aspect of his philosophy was your thesis on?” Swoon. When he defended Nietzsche’s later thought, I was struck silent. Damn, I thought, he’s gonna keep me on my toes. Nerd love, I can’t help it.

Still, we kept it light, fun, casual. I was upfront and honest with him about not wanting anything serious, and he was cool with it. That lasted until this weekend. I could feel it happening. There was nothing wrong with him. I keep waiting for it to pop up, so we keep spending time together, though still only once or twice a week since we both maintain full, productive lives. But still nothing. Even the big red flag kind of stuff – like the fact that he has a kid – it doesn’t bother me. He’s open and honest and sincere, which apparently is like my Kryptonite. I trust him.

So, what does it mean when I’m done being all serious and heavy about it? I figure I handle most things in my life one day at a time, so I’ll do this the same way. I’m not going to freak out that I’m going off the market, will end up married with 3 brats in suburbia, then divorced and out-of-shape and broke at 47 (personal nightmare). I just have to handle today, and today it feels really nice to be falling in love.

It’s a tough to put this out there. I feel a little embarrassed considering I’ve been such a die-hard single as of late. I’ve reveled in it; I’ve loved it actually. Part of me still doesn’t want to give it up, but I can spot a good adventure when I see one. And I never pass up an adventure.

There’s this one site I am absolutely glued to, HoneyandLance.com. (Love ya, guys.) Mostly, I’ve been fascinated by the pick-up artist end of things. This experiment was inspired by a post in which Lance mentions that he opens up a girl by asking about crazy online dating stories, which most girls have. Not me, I thought. Not yet.

*Let me preface this by saying that I think we all know we each just want to get a little action at some point. I don’t think it’s fair that because I’m a female with a busy and full schedule without time for a serious relationship, I should be excluded from the nooky end of things. To further complicate matters, I don’t drink, so I can’t do what most of my girlfriends do – go out, drink a little, hook-up with a guy at the end of the night and blame it all on the alcohol.

So, how does a single, dare I say, attractive young woman with little time on her hands go about dating pretty much for the first time in her life because she’s been a serial monogamist since high school? You sign up for an online dating site and tell all your friends that you’re doing it as research for your blog.

Ha.

In all honesty, I’ve really enjoyed it. Some of my girlfriends have tried it, and those who haven’t are thrilled to watch me be the guinea pig and listen to my stories. I tend to approach most things these days with a sense of adventure, and admittedly, doing it as “research” for the site allowed me to stay unemotional about it. I just went for it.

Making the Profile
Here’s what I did. I made my profile. I first searched and found profiles I thought were appealing. I liked the profiles of guys who had travel and action photos, as well as clear mug shots. So I added those kinds of photos to my profile. Then I read a few I liked and shaped my profile after theirs. Specifics really are great, by the way. I got more comments about describing what I like to do after a good run more than any of the general “me” stuff.

Displaying Interest
Then I set my search criteria. I winked at all of the guys who I thought were good-looking and had interesting profiles, a conservative move in the world of online dating. (If you haven’t online dated, “winking” is the simplest, most basic level of interest. Using it is often considered a wuss move.) Three of the original four wrote back. The good ones were brief (a couple lines), included something specific about my profile that they liked and asked a question, thus eliciting a response from me. I responded with matching length (imitation is a form of flirting) and similar comments. They usually e-mailed back a much lengthier response and thus deeper e-mail conversation began. After a few e-mails, meeting was suggested, and a few hours before meeting, numbers were exchanged.

The Dates
In total, I have dated four guys from the online dating site. I will not use their names here, but here’s the run-down.

Date #1: Lawyer, over 30, divorced, no kids.

Date #2: Financial advisor, closer to my age, never married, no kids.

Date #3: Pilot, over 30, divorced, no kids.

Date #4: Lawyer, over 30, never married, one kid.

Date #1
The first meet-up with Date #1 went well. We had good conversation, he was decent-looking and intelligent. It’s just that I simply didn’t feel it. And although this might add credence to what some guys call impossibly high standards, I just couldn’t handle that he tucked his T-shirts into his jeans and wore a belt too. I don’t think that’s having high standards; I think it’s just a personality thing.

Things tapered off with him, especially after he seemed to be in constant contact – e-mailing, text messaging or calling. I realize that because of my busy schedule it can be difficult to display interest, but he came on too strong for me, especially given my slight case of relationship phobia (I’m a classic Sagittarius – can’t be tied down).

Date #2
Date #2 was a lunch date. Neither one of us had an evening free. Good sign, I thought. He takes his career seriously, too. I was also really excited to meet another young professional in my city (south Texas isn’t exactly Young Professional Central). We got along great and had decent conversation. Still there’s not much you can get from a one-hour lunch date, so I proposed a baseball game (I have phenomenal tickets behind home plate for our local AA ball club). By the end of the night, I pretty much figured this one for a really cool friend. We had lunch again, and it sealed the deal. I think we could both pretty much tell there wasn’t a spark there. I did invite him to a young pros networking event this weekend, and I think he’ll make a great contact and friend since we’re both driven in our careers.

Date #3
Date #3 was a bust. He looked a lot older than I thought he would. The convo was decent. I introduced him to two coworkers/friends who happened to be at the café we met at. The next day the male coworker asked if I had known Date #3 long. Nooo, I said slowly. Why? Ask Female Coworker, he said. Ohhhh. Forget it. He called, but I’m not returning it. Too complicated and I wasn’t that interested anyway.

Date #4
By the time Date #4 rolled around, I had already decided to call it quits. This is the last one, I thought. No more freakin’ online dates. We met for Thai food. We ended up going for coffee and talking until 11 pm. He walked me to my car and stopped my door just short of closing, leaned in and said, “I had a really good time. Really.” Hmmm. I drove off smiling a little.

The next morning I decided to kick it up a notch. I sent a highly flirtatious text message: “Morning tiger. Great date last night. Hope you’re having a good Tuesday.” I figure this would indicate that I’m interested beyond a friendship level and hopefully surprise and delight a little. I figured it also showed self-confidence.

A client cancelled on me two days later, leaving me an unexpected hole in my schedule, and Date #4 just happened to ask on the off chance whether I was free for the evening. As a matter of fact…

He picked me up for dinner. I had some fear after Date #1 that all lawyers dress poorly, and our first date together he had arrived in full suit, fresh out of the office. Luckily, not so. He was perfectly dressed down and sporting glasses (H-O-T). More great dinner conversation. He could keep up with me intellectually, which is not common, and he could talk about personal stuff, which was refreshing after GIWS (Guy I Was Seeing).

I suggested a walk on the beach post-dinner (my new pad is a 120-second walk to the beach). More gre
at convo. No smooch. He walked me to my door and I invited him in to check out the new digs I’d been raving about. Finally, make-out action. Good make-out action. Damn near perfect. Not too aggressive (I still have my tonsils, check), not too light (we have tongues, check). I let it slip that I am surprised, pleasantly so. He checks out for the evening and I go to bed thinking I might be in trouble.

Date #4 was unexpected, especially considering he’s the one with an actual deal-breaker (kid). I’m struggling a little to keep things in perspective and not to do the I-can’t-have-a-relationship freak-out thing, considering we’ve had two dates. But that’s a whole other can of worms. I’ve definitely made it clear to him that my businesses are my number one priority and that I don’t have a lot of free time. I have also made it relatively clear that I’m not looking for anything serious. Hopefully that’s enough for now.