Let me first say this: I was not a fashionable teenager. To be honest, I’m not sure any  teenagers are… The ones I see who are trendy look totally ridiculous. I think your school becomes your own little world, and whatever is cool there, you think is cool everywhere.

Which isn’t actually true.

Any kid who’s been moved from city to city while in middle and high school can tell you that. One brand is hot in one city, and kids in another city have never even heard of it.

But what happens is the one kid who has the balls to wear something new and be confident in it is the one who sets the trends. I’m not talking about the kids who dress purposely ugly (goths spring to mind), ridiculous (Uggs in the summer? Really?), or skimpy (enough said).

I’m talking about that girl who seems to wear whatever she likes, and then everyone wants to wear it too. That girl. Be that girl.

Here’s what I’ve figured out about following trends.

They aren’t you, and you’ll feel uncomfortable and look uncomfortable in them.

When I was in high school, around 10th grade, I finally came around to “normal” clothes after an ill-advised stint in novelty t-shirts and big jeans. I started dressing like all the popular kids. In those days, it was khakis from The Gap and Doc Martens sandals. It wasn’t me, and I still didn’t really fit in. I didn’t figure it out until much, much later in life. I never looked good in them because I never felt good in them.

Not all trends are all that flattering.

(Bubble skirts pop into my mind.) Pick clothes that actually look good on you. I kept trying to pick clothes that looked like what I saw in magazines or catalogs, but they looked horrible on me. My mom would do this thing when she took me shopping, where she would pick up something I didn’t like and say, “Humor me.” Which loosely translated means, “Go try this on or you’re not getting anything.” Then, if it looked good, she would say, “That looks so becoming on you.”

Becoming on you. Not really the words every teenage girl is dying to hear in the dressing room. But she was onto something. There are lots of beautiful clothes out there. Just because you put them on, doesn’t mean you’ll look beautiful in them. It doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. It just means that some clothes look good on certain shapes, lengths, and sizes of woman. There are some clothes that just don’t look good on anyone. Period.

Pick stuff you like, whether anyone else likes it or not.

Now, this piece of advice, I sometimes followed and sometimes didn’t as a teenager. Sometimes I followed it to my own detriment (like the Star Wars athletic tee I wouldn’t take off for most of age 15), and sometimes I didn’t follow it, also to my detriment (see above, where I wore clothes because they were trendy).

The times in my life I remember enjoying my style, and consequently felt the most confident, is when I wore what made me feel good. A lot of times it included really, really short hair, which didn’t always thrill my mom and certain types of boys, but I pulled it off because I felt good in it. I actually kind of rocked the short hair.

Cultivate a personal sense of style.

I spent a lot of time trying to look exactly like things I saw in magazines and catalogs, but that stuff passes. What’s hot today isn’t hot tomorrow. And then you wasted money on clothes that aren’t cool anymore. And you just got them like, last month. (I still make this mistake sometimes. That’s why I have 5 embellished t-shirts in my closet that I just got 6 months ago and probably won’t wear ever again.)

You’ll find items that you’ll literally cry over when something irreparable happens to them. I’m not talking about materialism; I mean pieces of clothing that you feel like are a perfect representation of you and your own style, that make you look and feel great. Look for things like that, and hang onto them.

The girls I remember wishing I could look like weren’t following trends or letting what everyone else was wearing dictate their style. Well, they weren’t trendy anyway. There was just something about them… they were comfortable, they owned their look, and most of them probably still do today, over a decade later.

Find your own clothing personality, and live outside of the trends. Ironically, this will make you the trendsetter.

Just a little advice from the me I am now to the me I was then.

This is the first post in a series called Letters to a Teenage Girl. Read the intro here.

I haven’t found much to blog about recently (oh, you noticed?), especially since my mind seems to be occupied with my start-up and our clients, etc. I’ve felt like I don’t have much to say in the way of advice. I’m feeling my way through new phases of my life, including marriage, and everything is going by so fast, there’s not much time to process it.

But, lately, I’ve been writing letters in my head to a teenage girl. One of my close friends has a 13-year-old daughter, and she relates her most recent adventures in the world of having a teenage daughter to me from time to time. So much of it sounds so familiar to me that I end up smiling to myself, and wishing someone would’ve told me all the things I didn’t figure out until I was in my mid-twenties.

Maybe someone did. Maybe it was my mom or my sister, and I just couldn’t hear it.

And so, these letters are for M. I hope she hears them.

Here are the current posts in order:
Be The Trendsetter: Letters to a Teenage Girl
Don’t Throw Your Mom Under the Bus: Letters to a Teenage Girl

Wow! This is apparently a hot topic, and there were a ton of great submissions from everyone. Thanks to everyone who participated! I’m going to post the links to everyone’s posts (in no particular order) and give you a brief snapshot of what they’re about. Perspectives range from those who don’t want or need mentors, to those who pine for them, and to others who grateful for the ones they’ve had. Happy traffic and pagerank to you all.

I Want What You Have – The New Mentorship My post on mentorship explores a new definition and criteria for mentorship – wanting what that person has. I also introduce you to the village of mentors I have. As someone said, “Wow. Sounds like you have a lot of support.” Yeaaaaaaah…

Moving On From A Mentor or Friend Steve Errey goes back to our original Twitter conversation about what happens when you outgrow a friend or mentor. He says that besides the natural wearing away of time, there are only two good reasons to move on. Read his post to find them out. And I love that he uses our original tweets to make his points.

Are Mentors Just A Myth? Chris Catania is the third player in the original Twitter conversation. Chris hasn’t had a mentor since he outgrew his at the age of 22, and our tweeting stirred up “wish I had a mentor” feelings in him.

Mentoring Will Change Your Life From the folks who inspired the round table concept, Lance encourages readers to actively seek out people to mentor. He provides examples of times in his life when he wishes he had a mentor, and makes the case for anyone with a strong suit to find someone to mentor in that area.

I Don’t Need A Mentor Jun Loayaza has never had a mentor, in his idea of the word, and isn’t sure he wants one. He sees people as teammates or partners rather than mentors. Jun even throws in a little Buddhism.

6 Ways to Find Your Next Mentor Steph Auteri thinks you need a mentor. And this lady’s gonna tell you where to find them. From the classroom to your peers to your book shelf, Steph breaks it down.

If The Mentor Shoe Fits, Wear It Michelle Poteet shares about a pushy boss who wants to be a mentor. And coins this little gem: “… a great mentor is like a fabulous pair of pumps. Nice on the outside, but can definitely push you to the limits on the inside.”

The Golden Rules of Mentorship Carlos Miceli warns against deifying your mentors, relying on them for too much, and gives advice as to mentor selection. He dedicates the post to his own set of mentors.

Who Are Your Mentors? Matthew Egan remembers his mentors, including his grandfather, and talks about the journey from friendship to mentorship. He sees his mentors in hindsight, figures who emerged to lead him forward.

Of Mentor and Countrypeople Jess Commins has a mentor to thank for the miserable failing of her dream business. But she really means it. And she goes from blog-reader to being coached by the blogger. Like me, she pays some of her mentors too.

You Need A Mentor Edward Antrobus is desperately seeking mentors. He may have found one – and shocker – she’s younger than him.

Mentors | How Important Are They To Your Success? Hani is the only video blog entry! And she’s so cute and fun to watch! Oh, and there’s substance there too. Hani talks about the stereotypical mentor and whether or not we need them to succeed.

My Mentor Jacki Welsh’s mentors have always been teachers. One in particular, an Elvis-loving English teacher, made her a writer at grade 7.

I’ve Never Had a Mentor, and That’s OK Ryan Paugh adds to the anti-mentor movement. His post opens with a would-be mentor turning him down, and swiftly moves from hate to friendship to self-sufficiency.

Mentors . . . Carol Kiphart has a hard time concentrating on the subject dealing with a personal crisis, but she manages to remember a few of her mentors in her time of distress. She leaves off with the thought that mentorship is like love: it doesn’t come knocking until the moment we think we don’t need it.

Mentorship is a Gift We Give and Receive Melissa Marks Garner is embarking on a year-long journey to make her dreams come true with a life coach and 7 other individuals, people she hopes might be “mentors-in-the-making.”

Mentor Me This, Mentor Me That Gerard McLean sees his lack of mentors as “support system of bumper rails without risk of co-dependency.” Fearing he’s failed past mentees, he sees his blog as a replacement for his desire to mentor.

What I Learned From My Mentor Chris Silk typically writes about drama in the confines of his local Starbucks, but he breaks from that to share a beautiful story about growing up in a poor, rural town and how he went from not knowing how to read to being in a highly selective Gifted & Talented program.

My First Blogging Round Table: Mentors Sara Martisek proves it’s never too young to have outgrown a mentor. At 22 and preparing to graduate, she has two others already.

Give Me Failure, or Give Me Death In true RestlessLikeMe fashion, Andrew Norcross doesn’t want anything you’ve got unless you failed getting there. Best line: “Pain is learning.”

On Generosity and Gold Dust: Lessons From A Mentor Jenny Blake’s entry includes a giveaway of her mentor’s book! Her mentor teaches her about generosity and living the dream.

How To Get and Keep a Mentor (And Why I’ve Been So Guarded Lately) Monica O’Brien submits an older post for your approval. Her advice is on not only how to select a mentor, but how to be a good mentee. Six great tips here.

Thanks again to everyone who participated! If you didn’t make the deadline, no worries. Feel free to post it in the comments section. If I get enough, maybe I’ll do a round-up #2.

A couple years ago, I participated in a blogging round table at HoneyAndLance.com and I thought it was one of the coolest ideas I’d seen. So, I hope my friends there won’t mind if I borrow (heavily) from their call-for-posts post. WorkLoveLife is hosting a round table. The subject is mentors. Any blogger can participate, but a few of you I’m contacting directly to make sure you do. Ahem.

How It Works

Write a post on the topic on your blog. I’m not curating the posts, there are no prizes or winners, and all posts are included in no particular order. If you do participate, please drop the link to your post in the comments section of this post. When all is said and done, I’ll post a round-up of everyone who participated with links to your blog posts on the subject. I think the rest of the participating bloggers would appreciate you spreading the link love on your blog, too, after I post the round-up.

I’ll be looking for your post to be up by next Monday, March 1.

Benefits

As my friends at HoneyAndLance pointed out, there are many benefits to participating:

1. Test out your writing chops.

2. By interlinking the posts everyone will pump up their pageranking and take advantage of search engine traffic. Having a keyword like “mentors” or “personal board of directors” could be popular, too, and give your post a long tail.

3. Drive our individual audiences to other blogs.

4. Read interesting and diverse perspectives.

To Get the Ideas Cranking

The mentorship round table topic was spawned from a single tweet I sent out last week.

It got a ton of response – more than I thought one sentence would get, but apparently it rings true for a lot of people. I got a bunch of replies from people who could relate, and it spurred a lot of online (and offline) conversations with friends about the nature of mentorship. I joke that it takes a board of directors to run my life. But you’ll have to read my post to find out more about that.

So, who are your mentors? What do you do when you outgrow a mentor? How do you find your mentors? What value is there in having a mentor? Do any of you think having a mentor is pointless? Are you a mentor to someone else? Tell us your story. Again, don’t forget to post your link in the comments!

I’m looking forward to hearing what you think.