Lean into Your Fear

I used to be afraid of flying. Deathly afraid. Dear-god-I-might-throw-open-the-emergency-exit-before-takeoff, let-me-out-of-this-thing afraid.

It’s been 18 months since I’ve last flown. Before that, I got tanked to get on a plane. We’re talking lots of booze and pills to make it possible. Like, where-am-I-again drunk. Obviously, I don’t have that luxury anymore. And because I value my sobriety, I don’t have the luxury of taking a sweet little anti-anxiety pill any more either. That option went down with the ship.

So, I had to deal with my fear like a normal messed-up person. I went to therapy. My therapist told me something wonderful and amazing and completely rational.

Lean into your fear.

He told me when I was sitting on that flight and I got nervous to take a deep breath, take my left hand, put it on my right hand and pat it reassuringly. Then, he said, physically and mentally lean into your fear.

It worked.

Well, along with a few EMDR sessions. I don't want to discount that. It was a combination of techniques that got me through this. But it got me thinking about fear, a common thread I’ve come to find in my problems in sobriety. I drank to cover up my fear, and without the drink, the majority of discomfort in my life comes from trying to avoid fear and other negative emotions.

But this isn’t just a common trait among alcoholics, I’ve found. I was just talking to a friend earlier who is in a lot of fear over a big decision in her life. And my life coach just published a post on Brazen Careerist about overcoming your fear to literally rock your life.

As young people, in particular, we’re learning how to recognize our fears and overcome them. This is one such way to do just that. Instead of running away from the things that frighten you, instead of avoiding the uncomfortable situation, instead of not looking into the unknown, lean into your fear.

Get on the airplane and face the fear. You’ll overcome it.

Take the leap and move to a foreign country. You’ll never regret it.

Ask your boss for a raise. You’ll thank yourself.

Have the conversation you’ve been afraid of. You’ll be a better person for it.

Take a deep breath. Pat your own hand reassuringly.

Lean into the fear.

Once you've looked into it, it will vanish. And you'll see it for all it is - fear.

As a friend of mine says, kiss that monster on the nose.

My Bohemian Self Versus My Corporate Self

I spent a glorious week in New York City earlier this month. My best friend from college lives in hipper-than-thou Williamsburg, Brooklyn, and I spent a few days with her getting to know that neighborhood and its denizens pretty well. Then I spent a weekend in the middle-of-nowhere Pennsylvania, where my best friend from high school got married. As we toured Frank Lloyd Wright’s Fallingwater house marveling at the architecture, and biking the Laurel Highlands that surrounds it, I struck up conversations with intellectuals from Japan, Russia, Israel, France, Italy and the UK. When I returned to Brooklyn, I ate up my favorite Middle Eastern delicacies and gobbled up conversations about great works of literature and laughed my ass off as artist-musician-writer types joked satirically about mass American culture. 

Less than two short hours of returning home from my vacation, I was told I was being promoted. My boss looked me in the eyes and said, this is it, Holly; this is the big time. You do this right and it’s only a matter of time before you’re up there. I went about my day giddy from that high, but something nagged me in the back of my mind. How is this compatible with that wonderful part of myself I had rediscovered in New York only a few days before?

Here I am, this corporate ladder-climber, who could honestly be no-less-thrilled unless Guy Kawasaki himself had sent her an email. And I write this crazy blog that I might be a little embarrassed by if anyone I worked with actually read it, which I’m pretty sure has even kept me from getting a second-round interview. And I want to get my MBA in marketing and entrepreneurship, and I eat up books like Groundswell, Rich Woman, and E-Myth with the sloppy voracity of a pig in a garbage dump. Two of my friends refer to me as “career lady” and my hair stylist knows we have to toe the line between cutting edge and work appropriate. I’m trying to figure out how I can dress J. Crewish without looking so damned yuppie.

Then there’s this other part of me, the part of me that would be happy to be a coffee-slinging barista for the rest of her life, the part that oh-so-briefly dreamt of making the leap to a shared apartment in Brooklyn with four part-time jobs to make ends meet. It’s the part of me that sits in cafes for hours blogging, reading Henry Miller and Ernest Hemingway, and attending political rallies when I’m not supposed to since I work for the media.

How these two halves of myself possibly be at peace with another?

They usually aren’t.

When I had my weekly call with my life coach and told her about my promotion, she heard the hesitation in my voice. Is this at odds with who I am, who I want to be, I asked. What happens when I’m 40 and I look back and wonder how I got caught up on this corporate ladder?

She reminded me that this isn’t forever. I’m not making some huge statement about who I am or what I believe in. Just because I got a promotion doesn’t mean I shouldn’t still be looking at business schools and applying. This will lead to other things, as every previous position has led to new opportunities.

What’s a different perspective you could take on this, she asked me.

I hesitated.

“I could be like, a bohemian corporate climber?” I asked more than stated.

I could be the blogging, intellectual, semi-rebellious analyst, the manager who challenges the old way things are done, and bringing a new kind of savvy to the business table.

Isn’t that what this whole Gen-Y thing is supposed to be about? Changing the face of achievement in the workplace, challenging the definition of success, and infusing our workplaces with new ideas?

Want a weekend with my life coach?

There's a contest going on over at Brazen Careerist that you must check out if you liked the My Life Coach Rocks post. Jenny (that's my life coach!) is hosting a contest over at BC about overcoming fear in order to literally rock your 20s, as well you should!

Jenny's question is about choice and overcoming the paralysis it can cause to make your life the best possible. Head over to Brazen Careerist and leave a comment. If you win, you'll join Jenny (and me!) for a weekend experience at a resort where Jenny and her speakers will teach you to:

1. Create a springboard to accelerate personal success in life and work.
2. Focus attention on the key factors that open the doors to designing your dream life.
3. Challenge you and empowering you to take the actions that will move you forward NOW.

So what are you waiting for? Go comment!

Why You Should Vote for Obama, Even If You Don't Agree on the Issues

I'd like to start out by saying that I hope this doesn't affect my readership. I think the world of my readers, and I understand that we are all entitled to our own personal political beliefs. This is simply my opinion. Feel free to agree and disagree, but please do not resort to angry name-calling. Keep it civil and intelligent.

If people are the greatest resource a nation has, then a primary goal of government is to inspire those people to do what is necessary to make that nation great. This is simply an exercise in the marketing of ideas on the grandest scale. While McCain might be a maverick who can help to clean up Washington, Obama is the candidate who has nailed the ability to communicate and inspire people to do more. Inspiring confidence and communicating with people may mean more than any bill either candidate can get signed into law.

- From "Marketing and the Economy; Why America Needs Obama and Coca-Cola" by Joe Marchese, MediaPost

This post may be too late for some, and I actually considered not posting it. I’m not very eloquent about my political beliefs – my expertise is in marketing. Then my mom told me she was still undecided. So this one is for you, Mom.

I’ve been in marketing for about a year and a half now. I’m no Guy Kawasaki, but I’ve really taken to the field. I’m fascinated by what motivates people to make a purchase, choose a certain product or brand, and how pyschographics plays into that. So, when Ad Age named Barack Obama Marketer of the Year, I wasn’t surprised. The man is a marketing genius. I actually think this is why people compare him to JFK. It’s not so much the youth thing – it’s the agent of change thing.

Whether or not you agree with the issues, I think you should vote for Obama.

Obama is the candidate that has been able to inspire large chunks of the population to believe that things can change for the better. Whenever I’ve had conversations with my acquaintances and friends about why I am voting for Obama, I cite consumer confidence.

Either way, I think the markets will see an upswing after Nov. 2. Any change in leadership is a positive one, in my opinion. But I think we will see a greater upswing in national confidence if Obama is elected. For one thing, other great nations would like to see Obama as president. If he were elected, I think you would see faith restored in the international markets.

If McCain is elected, a large portion of the population will be left dejected and with a total loss of faith in their nation. This election is more to us than any other election. For someone my age, the belief that I can, along with my fellow Americans, create lasting and vital change hinges on the outcome of this election. Obama has been able to inspire a historically apathetic voting demographic to become involved in politics, to show up at the polls (I’ll be voting for the first time since 2000), and to take an earnest interest in the future of their nation.

McCain simply doesn’t connect with people on that level. If McCain is elected, my belief in America as a great nation that can lead the world into an era of positive change will be shattered. I will know that my nation has failed the vision test, that I live in a country blinded by fear-mongering, hatred and impotence. Change will be slow, not swift. We will have elected a corporation where we needed a start-up. It will be titanic effort instead of nimble agility, which is what we see with brands that “act small” versus the colossus of slow-to-change industries.

It takes more than wielding power to get a law passed. Like Joe Marchese said earlier this month in an article on MediaPost, the American brand has taken a beating recently. Which message would we like to send our nation and to other nations – one where we’re too blinded by fear of change and backward-looking issues to make the leap of faith, or one that stands for change, belief and hope?

I for one, regardless of the issues, because let’s face it – it’s less about abortion, the economy, and oil than it is about the kind of nation we’d like to have, would like to put our nation’s best face forward. I don’t think that’s what McCain will be about. I want a strong person in power who is ready to lead this nation into the 21st century. It’s not about the issues – it’s about the message.

What message do you want to send?

Quick update

I type this now between gobs of work, busy out-of-town weekends, and coffee. Lots of coffee. I know I’ve been absent, but I promise my return is near and I have some real gems in store for everyone.

What’s happened:
1. I got over my insanely huge fear of flying, thanks to EMDR therapy.
2. I went to New York to visit my best friend for a week.
3. I was a bridesmaid (first time!) at a quaint wedding in Middle-of-Nowhere, Pennsylvania.

And most importantly…
4. I got a promotion! The day I got back from vacation, my boss asked me if I would like to be the research manager for the state of Texas. Huzzah!

What does all of this mean to you, dear reader? My brain has been stewing on so many new posts, I hardly have time to get them all out. Remember my post on bursty workers? It’s about to get bursty in here.

Upcoming posts:
Why you should vote for Obama, even if you don’t agree with the issues
Finding pieces of your ‘old’ self
The power of No
Leaning into your fear
Bohemian me vs. corporate me

I’m sure there are more a-brewin’ but that should be enough to keep your eyes peeled!

My life coach rocks

I believe that everyone ought to have a personal board of directors in their life… especially in your 20s. I’m only six years into this (thank god it’s halfway over!), but figuring out finances, romances, career aspirations, and general living sense eludes me from time to time. I seem to bump along fine for a few months, then WHAM! I get something that completely throws me off-kilter. I was just entering shaky ground when I met Jenny Ferry, a life coach.

Now, Jenny and I have never actually met, but I can imagine exactly how she would be from our phone and email interaction. Her warmth actually radiates in every hello via phone and every earnest closing of an email. Not many people can pull off that kind of emotion with sincerity, in this skeptic’s book.

Jenny specializes in helping twenty-something women find direction in whatever it is their having trouble with. We started by identifying what that might be for me. Just picking one or two things to work on was a challenge in and of its self. I believe my words were, “Ugh. Where do I start??” I was working two jobs, running my small business and writing this blog. I was in a new relationship and I was training for a half-marathon. I was just about to freak out.

I took a quick diagnostic survey. The career portion practically leapt off the page at us. That was definitely where we needed to start. Then there was this “fun” category. Fun? What’s that? Work is fun, I said. Heh. We were still going to work on it. “We’ll just sprinkle it in,” Jenny said. I could go along with that.

We tackled my four jobs first. I told her I felt like I had the ability to do all of these really great things, but I didn’t know how to pick just one, or even two to pursue. She helped me break it down and get it on paper. Once we did some simple evaluation and took a look at it, I was blown away. Right there, in black and white, I could see what was most important to me out of my four “jobs.” Blogging was by far and away my number one passion. It was followed closely by my marketing job, then came the café (which lost major points in the income category), and trailing abysmally behind was the one I was putting the most effort into – my IT company. According to that sheet of paper, it was my least favorite thing to do. And I had to agree.

“What can we take off your plate?” Jenny asked. Jenny always asks the hard questions. I drew my breath in sharply and deeply. Hearing me, she said, “Why don’t you spend some time on this one. Let me know what you come up with.” I talked over it with friends, and I thought about it. I looked at that sheet of paper and my decision was clear. I’ve since put the company on indefinite hold. I still have one client who doesn’t require much attention at the moment, but no efforts are being made to attract new ones. I’ve been able to concentrate on my blog more and to scale back my hours at the café so that it’s less work and more just-for-fun.

Jenny challenges me to step outside my boundaries in order to pursue what I want. At her suggestion, I have: asked for my hours to be changed at work, found a mentor at the corporate level, taken a relaxing bath, and have begun researching business schools for my MBA. I didn’t even know I wanted to get an MBA before I started working with Jenny. I was afraid to say that I want the thing that everyone says I don’t need.

One major exercise we did was crafting my life purpose statement. This single sentence would be a tuning fork for my entire life that I could use at any point to see if I was “in tune” with what I felt my life’s purpose was. I was definitely skeptical. After all, I’ve spent at least 14 years trying to find my purpose in life. I was a philosophy major, for crying out loud. In one hour, I’m going to find my life purpose. Yeah, right.

Yeah, right! My life purpose statement kicks some major ass. It is Holly with a capital H. I can go through my week knocking that tuning fork and know pretty much whether or not I’m lined up with my life’s purpose. It soothes me, it invigorates me, but most importantly, it reminds me of who I am and who I want to be. A life purpose statement is really personal, so I’m not going to share it here. You’ll just have to become friends with me and ask.

What Jenny does as a life coach is help define my goal and bring it into focus. We find my obstacles, which are usually my own limits, and then she promptly challenges me to knock them down. She does this with warmth, passion, enthusiasm and empathy. If we were in the same town, I have no doubt every meeting would end with a squeeze. But the woman will make you work – trust me. And in that work, you find yourself. You find these amazing little gems (courage, confidence, self-awareness) that were already inside of you, but you just didn’t know how to access.

I feel more in tune with myself and with my goals, and I feel more confident in the path I’m taking to achieve them. So often my 20s have felt like blindly groping for I-don’t-know-what in a black room. Jenny helps me shed a little light on what I’m looking for and how to grab it.

Allowing the Writer Within to Shine Through

It just hit me: I’m a writer.

It seems pretty silly that I’ve been blogging here at WorkLoveLife for eight months now, and I’ve only just realized that I’m a writer. This is not unique to me, I know. As blogging becomes more and more popular, others I read have questioned at what point you become a writer. And still others have argued against calling yourself a blogger at all.

I’ve come to realize in the past few months that writing has a place in my soul. It allows me to purge, it allows me to mull and remember, and it allows me to connect. And I love words. I took Latin throughout high school, which really boosted my vocabulary. I love the idea in linguistics that the more words we know, the more efficiently and effectively we are able to communicate. I love finding the perfect word or set of a words that most accurately conveys what I’m trying to say. And I even like that I can’t always find them… indescribable is a good place to be, in my book.

But today, I realized that I am writer. Not just a blogger or a lover of words or a novice, even.

The past few days have been hectic – work is hectic and I have meeting and appointments crammed into every nook and cranny of my waking hours. This evening is my first free evening since Friday. I have a half-marathon I signed up for in two weeks that I am ill-prepared for. Tonight could be a night for training. But when I asked myself do you want to run or do you want to write? Would you like to do the half-marathon or would you like to write? The answer reverberated throughout my head: We want to write.

So I didn’t bring my running clothes. I brought my laptop. Because when I neglect my running, I don’t feel half so unbalanced as when I neglect my writing.

I’d like to be a great many things in my life, and I imagine I wouldn’t be great at many of them, but it sure would be fun. My life coach says that I should honor the Holly Who Writes if I want to – I don’t have to be the Holly Who Runs Marathons right now. That’s pretty amazing to me. I thought if I was one, I couldn’t be the other.

I know that the Holly Who Runs Marathons is inside of me, but right now, it’s time for the Holly Who Writes to shine through. Not everything has to be done at once, and not everything has to be done to the nth degree. What a concept.

Photo courtesy Shiny Things via Flickr Creative Commons.