Work/love balance: The new work/life balance struggle
When I began to hear the phrase “work/life balance” thrown around, I figured it didn’t apply to me. It was my older coworkers with family who mostly used it. Work/life balance meant “time with the kids and spouse.” So I dismissed it. It had nothing to do with me, single childless Holly who has the energy to work three or four jobs and train for marathons.Then I got a boyfriend.
Anyone who has read this blog for the past 8 weeks or so knows that I’ve struggled to keep everything on my plate plus boyfriend on the side, but things keep slipping off like some overly eager kid’s plate at the dessert buffet. I’ve talked to friends, mentors, even a life coach, listed my priorities, and promptly removed… nothing.
There are so many things I want to pursue that I can’t imagine cutting anything. It’s asking a lot that I’m not adding anything.
So, I’ve struggled to show the boyfriend that I am committed to us, that I’m willing to put in the time, that I want to spend time together. Actually, that might not be true. I think all I’ve really done is figured out ways to carve out pieces of the week where I can relax or do some work with him. At any rate, this is a new class of balancing act for me – the work/life balance.
Huh? Work-what balance? To me, life and work are fairly seamlessly integrated. I’m not sure what I’d rather be doing on a Sunday besides sitting in my favorite café with a hot chocolate, blogging my guts out. Who wouldn’t want to be integrating a printer into a wireless network on a Tuesday evening? I can honestly say that most nights I would rather be slinging coffee than watching television on the couch.
Instead of saying “Life? What life?” I have “Work? What work?” Unfortunately, it does take up a lot of time though, and I wonder at the end of the day what kind of energy I have leftover for my relationship – for love. I would say the majority of nights I dive headlong into my bed and I’m literally lights out before the BF flips the switch.
So what does this new work/love balance thing mean? I’m not really sure. I can’t say I’ve got it figured out. Perhaps it’s a sign of my youth, but mostly fear swirls around it. If you’re in love, should you place a higher value on that rather than your work? Should one or the other be the entrée and the other the side dish? Is it a matter of finding a person who makes you want to stop spending so much time on your work, makes you think it’s the higher value automatically? Is my relationship to my work and career so perverse that I should just give up on love altogether?
In all honesty, I am sometimes struck with the fear that my work is my only one true love in life. I have no doubt that God made me and business out of the same clay, sprinkling entrepreneurship in my blood like stars in the sky. It’s always there for me, ready to make my day, impatient when I’m away and greeting me with new ideas and excitement. Where does love fit into my already-existent love affair with work?
I glance at the title of my website, WorkLoveLife. People have asked me if that’s how I prioritize the three, if it means anything special. Honestly, it was the only combination of those three words available for a domain name. But, maybe that is it’s significance in my life – at the end of the day, I make work, love and life fit together the only way available to me.
Labels: career, dating, entrepreneurship, love, priorities, relationships, stress, work, work-life balance, work-love balance
posted by Holly Hoffman at
5:46 PM
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6 Comments:
Well I have certainly made career compromises for my current relationship that I would have said were out of the question prior to meeting him, but then again every one of those compromises has made me happier about not only my relationship, but also my career, which has been nice.
But it's tough to get in everything that you want to do, especially if you're sleepy by 9:30 or 10 p.m.! It only convinces me more that there will never be a spot for children in my life. There are too many other things I want to do.
Let us know how it goes! We all struggle.
Let yourself off the hook Holly.
I counted a fair few 'shoulds' in this post, and falling into the trap of wondering how things should be, what you should be doing and how your priorities should look is only gonna make things spiral around even more.
I just love the idea of finding someone who makes me want to give things up to spend more time with them, but although the romantic in me wants that the realist in me thinks it's more likely not to happen that way.
There's no one answer, priorities change over time as do your feelings. What's a priority for you this week might not be next week, next month or next year. What's important is that you're aware of what's working and isn't working based on what's most important to you right now. The rest is just fluff.
One last thing - be careful not to look at 'balance' as an end in itself. It isn't. Balance is a strategy you can employ as you go from one place to another, it's not a destination.
Oh Holly. I've been married just over a year now, and I still don't balk at admitting that my work is my top priority.
I can't help it. Work doesn't necessarily feel like work to me, and heading off to my computer every day is something I'm downright excited to do.
In addition, I feel that our busy schedules actually add to our relationship. Neither of us have ever wanted to be part of a couple that couldn't function apart. And our limited time together means we always have so much to catch up on.
On the flip side, things were a bit ridiculous for a while there. We were like two ships passing in the night and, when it's that extreme, it doesn't make for a healthy relationship.
So I started scheduling once-a-week date nights, making sure our relationship was still a priority to the both of us. The fact that we have to schedule such things doesn't phase us. Heck, we have to force ourselves to eat and sleep, too. We're just that into our work.
Don't beat yourself up for being passionate about what you do. You just need to find someone who can handle sharing that type of lifestyle with you. In the meantime, keep scheduling in small amounts of time together where you can spare it. Eventually, it will seem less like an obligation, and more like something you look forward to as much as your work.
@honey: Sometimes it's just nice knowing that other people go through it... and come out alive. ;)
@steve errey: Thanks for the reminder. I do a lot of "shoulds" in my life when I need to just focus on what's working. The irony is that I don't think our relationship is in any danger. He hasn't said anything, anyway. I just worry that I'm weird & different & that it's going to create a problem or that he's unhappy. Another reader pointed out that I need to ask him. Hello! I haven't even asked him if he's OK with the amount of time we spend together. And you're right - whatever works for us, works for us.
Sometimes I think I am supposed to be balanced and so I do aim for it. I admit that there are days I feel just fine running around like a chicken with my head cut off. But too many in a row will literally cut me down. That's when balance is needed, like you say, as a tool.
@stephanerd: "Heck, we have to force ourselves to eat and sleep, too. We're just that into our work." Me to a T! I actually have a daily checklist that among things like run, meditate, take out trash, includes things like breakfast, lunch, dinner, water... LOL. I have to schedule water. Luckily, I think he's the kind of guy who can put up with that.
Passion is time-consuming. So, thanks for reminding me that I'm not a neurotic workaholic (necessarily) and that I'm not so different.
"But, maybe that is it’s significance in my life – at the end of the day, I make work, love and life fit together the only way available to me."
Holly, you aren't alone. Sometimes the best you can do is just get everything in.
And I've decided that balance doesn't exist. When you devote time to one thing, that's time that can't be devoted to anything else.
The trick is to be ok knowing that everything will get done....sooner or later.
From what I see, you are doing just fine. You just can't be so hard on yourself (ahem, this is the pot calling the kettle black, btw. I know this is easier said than done.)
As far as figuring out how to keep an enjoyable relationship and love going, I'd suggest The Five Love Languages, if you haven't read it. It provides a good insight into love and relationship, and practical ways to communicate your love for another.
For someone grieving, healing, and changing Life, balance is sought and achieved with acceptance of moments. Finding peace internally in each moment will help over all reach a balance in Life. I don't think it's trying to devote an appropriate amount of time and attention to different facets of Life. Live each moment.
I'm not saying don't plan or schedule, but listen to Life, your love and mostly your true self (not the voice in your head). If you listen, you will feel more connected and in harmony with Life.
Experience and growing is what it's about, not the order in which you list priorities.
Peace.
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