Comments on: On codependency and discovering the obvious

By: Chad

Chad — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 09:34:00 +0000

This was good to read… I’ve been single for almost 4yrs and recently started a VERY fulfilling relationship but, in the times apart from her, I feel different.. I never felt this way before and I’ve realized it’s a co-dependence that has failed the few dating experiences I’ve had since my last relationship. I honestly know in my heart of hearts that this budding relationship has great potential to be mutually beneficial in the LT/ST, but I can’t figure out for the life of me what happened in the last 4yrs since my last LTR that made me this way! It worries me because, as you described, I’m plagued with the feelings of “what if I’m not good enough”. I know she’s accepted me for me but I still have the need to want to try to drastically improve my life to feel worthy of her.

I want to tell her that I’m this way and this runs in my head every minute I’m not with her, but that seems to be too much… I don’t want to reveal weakness but I don’t want to lie to her and pretend I feel 100% because I don’t. Any advice?

By: Your Ill-fitting Overcoat

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 22:08:00 +0000

I feel like a still-wet painting on the blank canvas that life-changing experience gave me. I’m afraid I’ll be smudged, or worse – that I’ll paint over it to match what I think that man wants.

That's exactly how I always feel at the start of a new relationship. You described it perfectly.

By: Andrea

Andrea — Sat, 08 Nov 2008 20:59:00 +0000

Great post! I have the same patterns, waterfalling from one relationship to the next. It’s easier to try to fix someone else’s problems than face your own head-on sometimes. CODA (codapendents anon) helped tremendously. I also found out that I was a love addict (there’s a 12 step program for that too, although a great book helped me through that. Reading it gave me many, many “a-ha” moments. Congratulations on your sobriety too!

By: Anonymous

Anonymous — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 01:54:00 +0000

Thank you for sharing! I have experienced many of these emotions/fears myself and am also highly accomplished in my career. It’s comforting to know I’m not the only one!

By: Lance

Lance — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 04:12:00 +0000

It looks like your term codependency is a lot like what I term insecure. Insecure about being alone, not finding someone, not being good enough, etc etc. I was also a serial monogamist and what I’ve come to realize in the last couple of years is that I’m a pretty cool dude with or without a SO. That took a lot of growth and maturing on my part, but it finally happened and I’m in a much better place because of it. You can thank social artistry for that transformation.

One thing people bitch at me all the time is that I won’t be able to form attachments or become intimate with someone because I’m always dating or finding new chicks. That’s just not true…I’m perfectly ready to be intimate, I’m just a lot more selective, and my way of being selective is to date a bunch of people until I find someone I really like.

By: Sma

Sma — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 07:11:00 +0000

Hmm this post reminds me a bit of the one about being a “Whole person”. And I agree just the same..it all makes perfect sense but sometimes it’s hard to put into practice, at least for me.

I can deal with the concept for one person..say a BF or something..I remind myself not to think I need them. But this dependency thing can apply to many areas of life..friends, places, family..things we are familiar with which we kind of depend on being there ..they give us stability. We can probably say we want all those things instead of needing but I’m not sure if that’s even possible..doesn’t there have to be a limit? Are there things we can be allowed to need? Or maybe it’s just the mentality I’ve gotten whilst growing up.

But what if we have to give those things up? Lose friends/change life..move from one place to another..not being able to have any stability or getting attached to anything because they can so easily be lost. I’ve done that a lot all my life, and it’s not been my choice. Even changed countries. And it’s fine for some things..I get used to change. I accept it. But sometimes it can get too much..everything has limits. I wonder what your limit would be, Holly.

By: a little bird

a little bird — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 04:51:00 +0000

aw, congrats hon : ) that’s so awesome. I always love reading your blog! keep up the great writing…

By: Marta

Marta — Sun, 06 Jul 2008 22:17:00 +0000

My friend, Michelle, put it best one day when listening to my relationship woes. “You’re a fixer,” she said to me.

As you know, the last two men in my life had low self-esteem and depression. I felt like I was Man #1’s mother most of the time, and Man #2’s therapist/life coach. After Michelle told me I was a “fixer,” I thought about our parents’ relationship. It scared me to death.

I truly believe co-dependency is a trait that we learned. It took me a while to realize this. I was so mad at Mom after “the divorce.” But now I know that unfortunately, it just took her that long to realize this herself. I’m so glad that we are breaking the cycle.

By: Holly Hoffman

Holly Hoffman — Sun, 06 Jul 2008 21:22:00 +0000

@honey: Can you elaborate on that last bit? Do you mean that it’s easier to become codependent, or that it is OK to be codependent? And how is it easier to be so in a healthy one as opposed to an unhealthy one?

@norcross: I ended up talking to my sponsor about all of this, and she actually thinks that what’s bothering me isn’t codependency at all, which she says is obsessing over someone else’s behavior. She thinks I’m exhibiting classic Adult Children of Alcoholics fears, primarily the fear that once you find out “who I really am” you won’t want me. Either way, it looks like my work in sobriety just took on a new turn.

By: Norcross

Norcross — Sun, 06 Jul 2008 20:51:00 +0000

understand the feeling, but I've always been the "lack of emotion" guy that women seem to hate. other than my wife, that is.

just remember, real codependency isn't Person A needing Person B, its Person A needing Person B to need them