Comments on: I Do – For Seven Years http://worklovelife.com/2008/06/i-do-for-seven-years/ Just another WordPress weblog Sat, 08 Jan 2011 18:03:06 -0700 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.2 hourly 1 By: Doreen http://worklovelife.com/2008/06/i-do-for-seven-years/comment-page-1/#comment-178 Doreen Sat, 21 Jun 2008 22:32:00 +0000 http://holly.andrewnorcross.com/?p=42#comment-178 As a female married for 7 1/2 years, any marriage, relationship or friendship breaks down without work, respect, compromise and communication whether the commitment is legal, religious or by choice. <br/>My sister just got divorced after a 7 year relationship, 5 married. Is it the 7 year itch? No, it was the fact that all the above were MIA. <br/>Love isn't enough. In my marriage, we both often wonder why does he/she stay with me if yada, yada, yada? It's the choice we make everyday. A relationships with another person is a huge personal choice, just like sobriety. It doesn't work unless you work it at 1,2,3,7,10,20 years - you get the idea. <br/><br/>If both people are committed, it can and will work as the 7th year comes and goes...although we do have plans to "renew" our vows at 10 years,hee-hee! Ironic! As a female married for 7 1/2 years, any marriage, relationship or friendship breaks down without work, respect, compromise and communication whether the commitment is legal, religious or by choice.
My sister just got divorced after a 7 year relationship, 5 married. Is it the 7 year itch? No, it was the fact that all the above were MIA.
Love isn’t enough. In my marriage, we both often wonder why does he/she stay with me if yada, yada, yada? It’s the choice we make everyday. A relationships with another person is a huge personal choice, just like sobriety. It doesn’t work unless you work it at 1,2,3,7,10,20 years – you get the idea.

If both people are committed, it can and will work as the 7th year comes and goes…although we do have plans to “renew” our vows at 10 years,hee-hee! Ironic!

]]> By: Hot Alpha Female http://worklovelife.com/2008/06/i-do-for-seven-years/comment-page-1/#comment-177 Hot Alpha Female Sat, 21 Jun 2008 02:09:00 +0000 http://holly.andrewnorcross.com/?p=42#comment-177 Hmm this is really interesting and i can see the pro's and con's for each side<br/><br/>Like i can imagine having a conversation with a girlfriend which says "Well he is married at the moment, but his contract expires in like a month ..."<br/><br/>When you see that it just looks ridiculous.<br/><br/>N then there is the issue of kids. Like usually a marriage of seven years there are bound to be some kids involved ... what happens to them? Will it then become a social norm to have multiple dads, biological and by law?<br/><br/>N then comes the issue of people wanting to bail out as soon as they hit a rough patch ... or having this mentality of "waiting it out" for the contract to finish.<br/><br/>I think that it does defeat the purpose of marriage which is about commitment and growing with the person .. going through all this crap together.<br/><br/>At the same time ... its like .. i totally see the benefits as well.<br/><br/>Because i think in relationship sometimes u end up outgrowing someone. Or you find that u married for the wrong reasons.<br/><br/>This means it gives you more life chances to meet a different range of people.<br/><br/>But then why get married in the first place?<br/><br/>Hot Alpha Female<br/><br/><a HREF="http://www.hotalphafemale.blogspot.com" REL="nofollow">www.hotalphafemale.blogspot.com</a> Hmm this is really interesting and i can see the pro’s and con’s for each side

Like i can imagine having a conversation with a girlfriend which says “Well he is married at the moment, but his contract expires in like a month …”

When you see that it just looks ridiculous.

N then there is the issue of kids. Like usually a marriage of seven years there are bound to be some kids involved … what happens to them? Will it then become a social norm to have multiple dads, biological and by law?

N then comes the issue of people wanting to bail out as soon as they hit a rough patch … or having this mentality of “waiting it out” for the contract to finish.

I think that it does defeat the purpose of marriage which is about commitment and growing with the person .. going through all this crap together.

At the same time … its like .. i totally see the benefits as well.

Because i think in relationship sometimes u end up outgrowing someone. Or you find that u married for the wrong reasons.

This means it gives you more life chances to meet a different range of people.

But then why get married in the first place?

Hot Alpha Female

http://www.hotalphafemale.blogspot.com

]]> By: Jerilyn http://worklovelife.com/2008/06/i-do-for-seven-years/comment-page-1/#comment-176 Jerilyn Thu, 19 Jun 2008 03:06:00 +0000 http://holly.andrewnorcross.com/?p=42#comment-176 It is an interesting concept but it doesn't address the complexities of having children. Surely having a child with someone you thoughtfully chose to marry would affect the way you view life, especially while that child is still dependent. How difficult it would be for a child to have a new parent every 7 years, your parent(s) redefined by their new partner(s). <br/><br/>And if you were on a 7-yr contract, would the psychological effects allow you to really want a child? How would something like this affect future generations? It is an interesting concept but it doesn’t address the complexities of having children. Surely having a child with someone you thoughtfully chose to marry would affect the way you view life, especially while that child is still dependent. How difficult it would be for a child to have a new parent every 7 years, your parent(s) redefined by their new partner(s).

And if you were on a 7-yr contract, would the psychological effects allow you to really want a child? How would something like this affect future generations?

]]> By: Honey http://worklovelife.com/2008/06/i-do-for-seven-years/comment-page-1/#comment-175 Honey Tue, 10 Jun 2008 23:35:00 +0000 http://holly.andrewnorcross.com/?p=42#comment-175 I think the best thing you can do to prevent divorce is wait. Statistics show that people with advanced degrees and people over the age of 30 have a MUCH lower rate of divorce than others. <br/><br/>I'm not sure it has to do with intelligence, but rather that people who are determined enough to seek and complete such degrees, and who are independent enough not to rush into relationships but rather define their lives through themselves and their accomplishments, make better partners.<br/><br/>By the time we can afford to get married, the BF and I will fit both criteria. Woot! I think the best thing you can do to prevent divorce is wait. Statistics show that people with advanced degrees and people over the age of 30 have a MUCH lower rate of divorce than others.

I’m not sure it has to do with intelligence, but rather that people who are determined enough to seek and complete such degrees, and who are independent enough not to rush into relationships but rather define their lives through themselves and their accomplishments, make better partners.

By the time we can afford to get married, the BF and I will fit both criteria. Woot!

]]> By: Chris Gammell http://worklovelife.com/2008/06/i-do-for-seven-years/comment-page-1/#comment-174 Chris Gammell Tue, 10 Jun 2008 15:31:00 +0000 http://holly.andrewnorcross.com/?p=42#comment-174 Hi Holly,<br/><br/>I had heard about this coming up in Germany and the post, but I really like your take on it. In fact, I even forwarded the article to my girlfriend, possibly to my detriment. I think that a lot of people our age are questioning the institution of marriage; personally, I know I agree with the commitment, but I dislike the stigma. I feel like people think they HAVE to dislike their spouse, just based on media and how married people speak of the aspects of marriage you describe (disrespect, boredom, etc). Anyway, great post, and I'll be back to read more of your blog soon!<br/><br/>~Chris Hi Holly,

I had heard about this coming up in Germany and the post, but I really like your take on it. In fact, I even forwarded the article to my girlfriend, possibly to my detriment. I think that a lot of people our age are questioning the institution of marriage; personally, I know I agree with the commitment, but I dislike the stigma. I feel like people think they HAVE to dislike their spouse, just based on media and how married people speak of the aspects of marriage you describe (disrespect, boredom, etc). Anyway, great post, and I’ll be back to read more of your blog soon!

~Chris

]]> By: Lance http://worklovelife.com/2008/06/i-do-for-seven-years/comment-page-1/#comment-173 Lance Tue, 10 Jun 2008 06:07:00 +0000 http://holly.andrewnorcross.com/?p=42#comment-173 @Monica: Yeah, I certainly don't think that the majority of marrieds get married because they want to have their special day, but I've certainly heard this sentiment on the list of reasons from a couple of my divorced friends. Small sample size, but kind of insidious. <br/><br/>I like the idea of the 7 year contract more and more because as you grow as an individual (say from age 23 to 30), you can plan to make adjustments to your "contract" when it's time to renew. I talk about sex a lot, so I'm just gonna throw this out there, but say you turn 30 and your sex life sucks. (I've got plenty of married friends with this problem.) You decide to spice it up with some swinging or a once-per-year visit to a professional. Add that to the contract. <br/><br/>For something a bit less shocking, maybe write in the new contract that the partners are allowed to take a 4 month break and travel solo around the world and do some inner growth. Who knows, but the contract re-up becomes both a functional and spiritual renewal and updating of the original pact. @Monica: Yeah, I certainly don’t think that the majority of marrieds get married because they want to have their special day, but I’ve certainly heard this sentiment on the list of reasons from a couple of my divorced friends. Small sample size, but kind of insidious.

I like the idea of the 7 year contract more and more because as you grow as an individual (say from age 23 to 30), you can plan to make adjustments to your “contract” when it’s time to renew. I talk about sex a lot, so I’m just gonna throw this out there, but say you turn 30 and your sex life sucks. (I’ve got plenty of married friends with this problem.) You decide to spice it up with some swinging or a once-per-year visit to a professional. Add that to the contract.

For something a bit less shocking, maybe write in the new contract that the partners are allowed to take a 4 month break and travel solo around the world and do some inner growth. Who knows, but the contract re-up becomes both a functional and spiritual renewal and updating of the original pact.

]]> By: Jenn http://worklovelife.com/2008/06/i-do-for-seven-years/comment-page-1/#comment-172 Jenn Tue, 10 Jun 2008 01:37:00 +0000 http://holly.andrewnorcross.com/?p=42#comment-172 If anyone reads fluffy romance novels, Jayne Ann Krentz (writing under the pseudonym Jayne Castle) has a series of books that are set on a different futuristic world where they have one-year "Marriages of Convenience" (or MCs) and lifetime "Covenant Marriages". MCs can be renewed as many times as the couple wants but Covenant Marriages are almost impossible to get out of. However, if a couple in an MC has kids, everyone expects them to sign a Covenant. There doesn't seem to be any real stigma associated with MCs, they are celebrated with big parties (at least the first time) but of course, the protagonists in the books always find their soulmate and end up in a Covenant Marriage. I just remember that my first thought was that our current society could really use this type of distinction! If anyone reads fluffy romance novels, Jayne Ann Krentz (writing under the pseudonym Jayne Castle) has a series of books that are set on a different futuristic world where they have one-year “Marriages of Convenience” (or MCs) and lifetime “Covenant Marriages”. MCs can be renewed as many times as the couple wants but Covenant Marriages are almost impossible to get out of. However, if a couple in an MC has kids, everyone expects them to sign a Covenant. There doesn’t seem to be any real stigma associated with MCs, they are celebrated with big parties (at least the first time) but of course, the protagonists in the books always find their soulmate and end up in a Covenant Marriage. I just remember that my first thought was that our current society could really use this type of distinction!

]]> By: Uma http://worklovelife.com/2008/06/i-do-for-seven-years/comment-page-1/#comment-171 Uma Mon, 09 Jun 2008 21:18:00 +0000 http://holly.andrewnorcross.com/?p=42#comment-171 I think that this is an interesting concept. As I was reading your post, I immediately thought about the idea of a pre-nup. <br/><br/>A lot of people are critical of the idea because when you bring up the idea of signing this agreement, you are stating that if the marriage doesn't work, you will be covering your ass (in regards to money). Idealists (or romantics if you want to say so), would say that by doing this, you are ignoring the 'til death do us part' part and expecting the marriage to not work. And that's not love is supposed to be about.<br/><br/>Personally, I agree that marriage takes work and that renewing your vows or contract seems to be a smart move. In a way, whenever the contract is about to expire the two of you are forced to focus on your relationship and what issues yuo may be having - some of which you may both be ignoring. This way, if you really do love each other, you can focus on the problems and sort them out.<br/><br/>The problem with the 7 year contract is that you may hurt your partner when you bring it up. If they don't see eye-to-eye and if he or she believes that it should be a lifetime commitment with the goal of staying that way forever, the contract may be a big problem. I think that this is an interesting concept. As I was reading your post, I immediately thought about the idea of a pre-nup.

A lot of people are critical of the idea because when you bring up the idea of signing this agreement, you are stating that if the marriage doesn’t work, you will be covering your ass (in regards to money). Idealists (or romantics if you want to say so), would say that by doing this, you are ignoring the ’til death do us part’ part and expecting the marriage to not work. And that’s not love is supposed to be about.

Personally, I agree that marriage takes work and that renewing your vows or contract seems to be a smart move. In a way, whenever the contract is about to expire the two of you are forced to focus on your relationship and what issues yuo may be having – some of which you may both be ignoring. This way, if you really do love each other, you can focus on the problems and sort them out.

The problem with the 7 year contract is that you may hurt your partner when you bring it up. If they don’t see eye-to-eye and if he or she believes that it should be a lifetime commitment with the goal of staying that way forever, the contract may be a big problem.

]]> By: Monica O'Brien http://worklovelife.com/2008/06/i-do-for-seven-years/comment-page-1/#comment-170 Monica O'Brien Mon, 09 Jun 2008 16:50:00 +0000 http://holly.andrewnorcross.com/?p=42#comment-170 Holly, love the post.<br/><br/>Lance, I don't know about your theory that weddings are for VIP treatment of the couple. People have weddings for lots of different reasons, and while I think some people have weddings for themselves, it's not the majority of people.<br/><br/>Growing up, I never pictured my dream wedding. When my actual wedding came around, my mom planned nearly all the details. I picked out some of the major things, like the church and the reception hall. But it was my parents and husband's parents who were adamant about our wedding... and they had more guests than us there!<br/><br/>I can't really complain because they paid for a good portion of it also. But weddings are so complicated, it's hard to say why people have them, why they get bigger than what they need to be, etc. It's partly because everyone wants their way and attaches sentimental value to things.<br/><br/>Personally if I ever have a renewal of vows it will be small. I didn't want the craziness of my wedding reception and I don't want to experience a day like that ever again. That's not to say I didn't enjoy my wedding day, but in the end all that mattered to me was the guy I was standing next to. Holly, love the post.

Lance, I don’t know about your theory that weddings are for VIP treatment of the couple. People have weddings for lots of different reasons, and while I think some people have weddings for themselves, it’s not the majority of people.

Growing up, I never pictured my dream wedding. When my actual wedding came around, my mom planned nearly all the details. I picked out some of the major things, like the church and the reception hall. But it was my parents and husband’s parents who were adamant about our wedding… and they had more guests than us there!

I can’t really complain because they paid for a good portion of it also. But weddings are so complicated, it’s hard to say why people have them, why they get bigger than what they need to be, etc. It’s partly because everyone wants their way and attaches sentimental value to things.

Personally if I ever have a renewal of vows it will be small. I didn’t want the craziness of my wedding reception and I don’t want to experience a day like that ever again. That’s not to say I didn’t enjoy my wedding day, but in the end all that mattered to me was the guy I was standing next to.

]]> By: Holly Hoffman http://worklovelife.com/2008/06/i-do-for-seven-years/comment-page-1/#comment-169 Holly Hoffman Mon, 09 Jun 2008 13:59:00 +0000 http://holly.andrewnorcross.com/?p=42#comment-169 @milena: I suppose seven years has to do with the "Seven Year Itch" phenomenon. Although, times are a-changing, and it appears that while the average lifespan of a marriage is 10 years, most that survive the 3-4 year mark usually last longer than 10 years. Also, this would only apply to civil unions. Those taking the "Till Death Do Us Part" vows would still be married in the traditional sense - or as you call it, the Cadillac of marriages. ;)<br/><br/>@Lance: I'm with you - I would much rather start my married life with savings rather than blowing $10K (and upwards!) on a wedding. I love a good wedding, too. But I think I'd rather elope and make that a private moment for only me and my beloved, have a great sexcation, and throw a little party when we got home. <br/><br/>Some proponents of this seven-year contract actually think it would hurt the wedding industry - a lesser commitment might be less to celebrate. Then again, with your idea of the mini-wedding, it might balance out. <br/><br/>And, I agree about the excuse for VIP treatment. I have seen too many women get married for the wedding... @milena: I suppose seven years has to do with the “Seven Year Itch” phenomenon. Although, times are a-changing, and it appears that while the average lifespan of a marriage is 10 years, most that survive the 3-4 year mark usually last longer than 10 years. Also, this would only apply to civil unions. Those taking the “Till Death Do Us Part” vows would still be married in the traditional sense – or as you call it, the Cadillac of marriages. ;)

@Lance: I’m with you – I would much rather start my married life with savings rather than blowing $10K (and upwards!) on a wedding. I love a good wedding, too. But I think I’d rather elope and make that a private moment for only me and my beloved, have a great sexcation, and throw a little party when we got home.

Some proponents of this seven-year contract actually think it would hurt the wedding industry – a lesser commitment might be less to celebrate. Then again, with your idea of the mini-wedding, it might balance out.

And, I agree about the excuse for VIP treatment. I have seen too many women get married for the wedding…

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