Off the Market?
This past week I’ve been grappling with what Love is exactly. Not the kind between friends and family, but the kind between two people in a relationship. Is it codependency? Is it having a partner in crime? A best friend you have hot sex with? Someone who can teach you something that you can in turn teach also? Is it an ethereal feeling that no one can pinpoint because it’s different for everyone? Is it forever or is it fleeting and something else carries you through the rest of the years?
I have no idea, to be honest. But I think I’m falling in love. And it’s got me nervous.
It would just be insane to say that I am actually in love at this point. We’ve been seeing each other for about a month. But to say I am in the process is true enough.
I’ve been hesitant to give a follow-up to my online dating post for several reasons, but it had a bit of a cliffhanger ending I suppose because my friends, family and readers have been asking for an update on the status of Date #4.
::Sap alert::
Even I groaned when I first heard myself say it. As a dyed-in-the-wool Sag, I am not prone to expressions of love or sentiment, nor do I always know how to handle them. Plus, let’s face it; I’m a bit of a commitment phobe. I really wasn’t looking for a relationship when this whole thing started with the online dating experiment. Just fun, just dates. Then Date #4 came along.
I knew I was in trouble after that second date. We ate great food and had some phenomenal conversation. Attraction was clearly mutual. It was definitely unexpected. I was nearly knocked off my feet when after mentioning my thesis he said, “Oh, Heidegger? I studied him a bit. What aspect of his philosophy was your thesis on?” Swoon. When he defended Nietzsche’s later thought, I was struck silent. Damn, I thought, he’s gonna keep me on my toes. Nerd love, I can’t help it.
Still, we kept it light, fun, casual. I was upfront and honest with him about not wanting anything serious, and he was cool with it. That lasted until this weekend. I could feel it happening. There was nothing wrong with him. I keep waiting for it to pop up, so we keep spending time together, though still only once or twice a week since we both maintain full, productive lives. But still nothing. Even the big red flag kind of stuff – like the fact that he has a kid – it doesn’t bother me. He’s open and honest and sincere, which apparently is like my Kryptonite. I trust him.
So, what does it mean when I’m done being all serious and heavy about it? I figure I handle most things in my life one day at a time, so I’ll do this the same way. I’m not going to freak out that I’m going off the market, will end up married with 3 brats in suburbia, then divorced and out-of-shape and broke at 47 (personal nightmare). I just have to handle today, and today it feels really nice to be falling in love.
It’s a tough to put this out there. I feel a little embarrassed considering I’ve been such a die-hard single as of late. I’ve reveled in it; I’ve loved it actually. Part of me still doesn’t want to give it up, but I can spot a good adventure when I see one. And I never pass up an adventure.
I have no idea, to be honest. But I think I’m falling in love. And it’s got me nervous.
It would just be insane to say that I am actually in love at this point. We’ve been seeing each other for about a month. But to say I am in the process is true enough.
I’ve been hesitant to give a follow-up to my online dating post for several reasons, but it had a bit of a cliffhanger ending I suppose because my friends, family and readers have been asking for an update on the status of Date #4.
::Sap alert::
Even I groaned when I first heard myself say it. As a dyed-in-the-wool Sag, I am not prone to expressions of love or sentiment, nor do I always know how to handle them. Plus, let’s face it; I’m a bit of a commitment phobe. I really wasn’t looking for a relationship when this whole thing started with the online dating experiment. Just fun, just dates. Then Date #4 came along.
I knew I was in trouble after that second date. We ate great food and had some phenomenal conversation. Attraction was clearly mutual. It was definitely unexpected. I was nearly knocked off my feet when after mentioning my thesis he said, “Oh, Heidegger? I studied him a bit. What aspect of his philosophy was your thesis on?” Swoon. When he defended Nietzsche’s later thought, I was struck silent. Damn, I thought, he’s gonna keep me on my toes. Nerd love, I can’t help it.
Still, we kept it light, fun, casual. I was upfront and honest with him about not wanting anything serious, and he was cool with it. That lasted until this weekend. I could feel it happening. There was nothing wrong with him. I keep waiting for it to pop up, so we keep spending time together, though still only once or twice a week since we both maintain full, productive lives. But still nothing. Even the big red flag kind of stuff – like the fact that he has a kid – it doesn’t bother me. He’s open and honest and sincere, which apparently is like my Kryptonite. I trust him.
So, what does it mean when I’m done being all serious and heavy about it? I figure I handle most things in my life one day at a time, so I’ll do this the same way. I’m not going to freak out that I’m going off the market, will end up married with 3 brats in suburbia, then divorced and out-of-shape and broke at 47 (personal nightmare). I just have to handle today, and today it feels really nice to be falling in love.
It’s a tough to put this out there. I feel a little embarrassed considering I’ve been such a die-hard single as of late. I’ve reveled in it; I’ve loved it actually. Part of me still doesn’t want to give it up, but I can spot a good adventure when I see one. And I never pass up an adventure.
Labels: dating, love, online dating, relationships, sex
posted by Holly Hoffman at
3:26 PM
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8 Comments:
Congratulations! As a former commitment-phobe myself, I can understand. Things got serious with me and the BF absurdly quickly because he moved after our 3rd date for three and a half months...so it was kind of like, if we like each other enough to visit back and forth between different cities, we like each other enough not to see anyone else. But one day at a time is all you can do, and I think it's the best way to let relationships develop. Best of luck!
My favorite part...Nerd Love! Where do you get this stuff from! LMAO!
To da1starr: Where does she get this stuff? Holly has always loved nerds. Takes one to know one ;)
To My Lil Sista: I like the Kryptonite...Fly superman, FLY!
Haha, to be truthful the die-hard single thing was rubbing me the wrong way, and I know a strong part of you still endorses it. I'm currently a proponent of singleness myself, of personal development, of reclaiming my metaphysical (or whatever) existence as a individual working for myself and for the world---much like you, I felt---but I couldn't help but feel a little down when reading your posts, like you had super-feministically become averse entirely to romantic pursuit, that even your online dating routine implicitly and in some ways explicitly had the subtle infrastructure of ideological mulishness and the aim of a more than mindless sexual satiation. While I maintain my own, seemingly dissenting views on the latter, and I hope not to offend in relaying my perceptions---only perceptions, liable to subjective misconstrual, error, what not---, it's unconditionally great to hear that you've found someone interesting, something with meaning.
"We both maintain full, productive lives." That's a situation I envy right now. I am trying to develop myself in a way I've never found myself to before. I'm reading more than I even did in school, I'm making original music, I'm working on film scripts and ideas, I'm reclaiming my self. But it's to the disliking of the girlfriend. I don't spend as much time with her (though we see each other almost everyday and usually have about 2 hours of phone time a day), and it ends up in a lot of arguments, fights, making the time we spend together unenjoyable. But that's that.
Hell, Holly, what I'd give to find someone who could talk light philosophy (in your case, Heidegger is pretty heavy philosophy) in Corpus Christi in 'good faith'. CC is just a tough world for phil geeks. It's just common ground.
Congrats again, day by day is the way to go, life is about stories you can tell when you're old, so go after the good ones.
I always tell my friends, love will always pop up when you aren't looking for it, and that appears to be the case here. Congrats on finding a person that can share in your nerdiness and handle his own in an intellectual conversation-he gets cool points for that :)
I'm reading The Mastery of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz and the best thing I've read so far is that you have to be happy with/by yourself before you can be happy with someone else.
From reading your blog, I think you are there, sweetness! Your life is coming together nicely so, of course, someone comes along that can be happy with you and can add to your adventure. Kudos!
@Honey: Thanks for the warm wishes. I feel like I'm in a commitment phobia recovery program! ;)
@Da1starr: See the comment after yours from my sister. Ha! I have always loved nerds. It's a weakness.
@Marta: Yes, it does take one to know one... ahem!
@Patrice: Perhaps the die-hard single thing rubbed the wrong way because it was so new to me... The way you can tell when people are wearing new clothes. They look inordinantly clean and fresh-pressed. I didn't have to a chance to get comfortable in my single clothes, really.
I agree with you on reclaiming yourself. And I do think that's what's really important here - I was speaking with a friend earlier about why it is that we tend to let our self-worth get all wrapped up in a relationship, when we are really the sum of all our parts - career, friendship, spiritual, etc. That's a whole other ball of wax I think.
Maintaining our independent lives is really important to me, maybe because of the above reason. Your partner should never dislike your pursuit of your hobbies, in my opinion, not the way you're talking about them. (I did hate one boyfriend's commitment to golf - sorry, but you were never going to be the next Tiger.) Two hours of phone time per day is crazy, btw. And if you are arguing and not enjoying each other, then why are you together? I've never delighted in someone's company as much as I do in D#4's, and you better believe if I didn't this post wouldn't have been necessary.
Glad you're back in town. We should get coffee like normal people.
@monicarol: I always knew in the back of my mind that as soon as I was accepted my singleness and got happy with it that someone would come along. I agree with you - so many people I know struggle with love because they aren't just going about their lives. By not looking, you find, at least in my case!
Damn! Another good one got away! :p
Congrats.. It's tough to stay single in Texas. They always say it happens when you least expect it and/or when you're not looking for it. If you end up in a relationship, is it really the worst thing that can happen? Being in love can be the best feeling in the world and the hardest thing to get over. Yeah it's a catch 22. I say enjoy the ride as long as you can. Some spend years with out finding someone they feel comfortable with. I hate to sound cheesy... but maybe he - 'completes you'. (smile)
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