The Problem With "You Complete Me"

You are, no doubt, familiar with the movie Jerry Maguire and the famous climatic scene in which main character Jerry realizes that he loves his wife and tells her, “You complete me.” Happy ending. Everyone cries and goes home, looking for the person who will complete them.

Don’t get me wrong – I love a chick flick as much as the next gal. Sleepless in Seattle is in my top five movies of all time. What I have a problem with is the part where we all leave the theater with aching hearts wondering where our Toms (both Hanks and Cruise) are. Wondering where and when will we ever find the person who completes us.

The problem with “You Complete Me” is that it assumes that you are missing something. And, many people are missing something, something they seem certain will be fulfilled once they find The One. Everything our culture tells us points to this – eHarmony commercials, romantic film after romantic film, pop songs bespeaking woes of broken hearts with missing pieces. Unfortunately, no one is looking at what our society tells us, which is that it doesn’t work out. One in two marriages end in divorce. Not first marriages, all marriages. So, of all marriages that take place – first, second, third, whatever – of all of them, 50 percent end in divorce. Forty percent of the population is currently single. What does that tell you?

You don’t have to look far. Chances are someone in your family, immediate or extended, has been or is currently divorced and/or has been married multiple times. It exists in my family, for sure. So, what makes us think we’re different? That somehow the first one is going to stick? That any of them are going to stick? That we’re not going to wake up 10 years into our marriage (the average lifespan of a modern marriage) and get divorced? There you are in your 40s trying to figure out how to do something you’ve never been able to do – be alone.

I’m not saying not to get married, not in the least. I believe in marriage. I respect marriage. I respect both love and marriage enough to not look to either as a goal, a milestone that must be accomplished like some kind of checklist. I’m not looking for someone to complete me.

Missing Piece People
No doubt, you’ve dated a Missing Piece Person (MPP). Or, you have been or currently are one. I’ve been one. A Missing Piece Person is one who doesn’t exactly feel whole. Someone who is missing something, something they are certain a significant other can fulfill. The Missing Puzzle Piece to their lives. Missing Piece People want a relationship; they are looking to you to be the piece that completes them.

I dated a Missing Piece Person recently. He was a fine person. The fact that after two months of being together he had professed love, told me he was going to marry me, and took me on house-hunting trips with his real estate agent ‘just in case I wanted to move in’ did freak me out a bit. I’m not a commitment phobe, though, and figured these kinds of things work themselves out.

The breaking point came when it became clear to me that this man had a lot of room in his schedule he was expecting me to fill. My inability to give that kind of time led to the swift demise of the relationship. It was a relief. It had been too much pressure to be the thing he was missing.

It took that break-up for me to realize that I, too, was being a Missing Piece Person. I was waiting to do a lot of things until I met The One. After all, you don’t want to be too busy to date him, right? What if I started on a career path he couldn’t keep up with? What if I made a commitment that interfered with his plans? After all, once I met him everything was finally going to come together right?

When I became a Whole Person
The thing that really solidified this for me happened one gorgeous November morning. I remember exactly what I was doing – brushing my teeth – when I realized that I was OK with being single. Better than OK, I was happy. I stepped out of my bathroom and surveyed my little apartment. My furniture, arranged how I wanted it. My sheets, the color I chose with no question of whether or not they were gender-neutral. My day, laid out before me, whatever I wanted to do that day, a world of possibilities. I smiled.

Then my phone rang. MPP wanted to meet up. “I want to get back together,” he says, later that night. “Why?” I ask, suspicious. “I’m ready for the next phase of my life to start,” he says. It became clear to me that he had decided the next phase of his life was to date someone for a few months, buy a house together, get married and have kids. It was a phase that needed to be started. It was just missing one thing.

That’s the problem with You Complete Me. He didn’t want me. He wanted Someone. He wanted me to do what I could not possibly do – complete him.

Today, I am happy on my own. I have a million things going on in my life, great things, things I that fulfill me, totally and completely. I don’t seek out dates. I read something at LifeHack in the comments section something that really stuck with me. A commenter said, “... being with the other person has to be more fun than being by myself (you’d possibly be surprised at how rarely that’s true).” I echo that sentiment.

I started seeing someone recently. He is a Whole Person, a person who is definitely not looking for someone to fill a hole. Knowing that he spends time with me a.) because he enjoys it, and b.) in spite of his very busy schedule, makes it so much the better. And because we are both Whole People we see each other only once or twice a week, what our schedules allow.

Buddhism – Whole Person philosophy
One of the central tenets of Buddhism is that suffering in life comes from clinging to what is fleeting. Someone told me once that we are born alone and we will die alone, and the sooner I accept that as a truth, the happier I will be in my relationships. Shocking as it was to hear, I’ve found it to be true.

When I’m with someone now, I’m not trying to figure out if they would make a suitable life partner (you know the checklist: earning potential, desired number of children, ability to age well, etc.). I look at whether or not this person would be fun to experience things with. What would they add? What do they bring to the table? Do they like to do the same things I do? Do they come at it from a different angle? Can they teach me something?

I get a lot of backlash about being OK with being single and the possibility that it could be forever. I am reassured always – “Don’t worry, Holly, you’ll find HIM.” “You’re too sweet/smart/pretty to end up alone.” These are all meant well, I know. But I know it will get worse as I get older (like the post and comments at LifeHack) or more outspoken (like Ryan P. over at Employee Evolution). It seems the fear of being alone is so pervasive we can’t even stand to watch our peers be OK with it.

My point in all of this is that I don’t think we should need somebody, like “You Complete Me” suggests. Nor should we want somebody because our lives are boring or seem incomplete without Someone. We should be OK with the odds of it never happening for us, living whole lives realizing our potential, not holding back because we are holding out for the Missing Piece. It would be great if I found someone to experience it all with, but I’m whole already. Everything else is just gravy.

If you’re waiting for someone to complete you, do yourself (and a potential significant other) a favor – go complete yourself. Because Whole People are far superior dates that Missing Piece People, and they only date other Whole People.

Get whole.